It has been said that Dean Smith was the only man alive who could hold Michael Jordan to under 20 points per game.

There is some truth to that statement because Smith knew that no man was greater than the game.

Smith understood the game of basketball better than Michael did–at least during Jordan’s college career.

I watched Michael from the very first moment he put on a Tar Heel jersey to play for my all-time favorite sports team.

I’m a full-fledged, card-carrying North Carolina basketball homer.

The first time I remember them playing was in 1968 when they lost to Lew Alcindor and the UCLA Bruins in the NCAA tournament.

That is how lifetime loyalties happen for little kids. I was nine at the time. I became a fan and to some degree vicariously lived out my childhood fantasies through Tar Heel basketball exploits.

When Michael arrived at Chapel Hill it became apparent that UNC’s success was going to continue. Some, including me, thought the game was about to be redefined. As far as overall athleticism and game skill he is arguably the greatest basketball player to ever step on the hardwood.

He was great in every facet of the game. He could jump higher, shoot better, defend well, and endure more than most anyone before or since. But it was his will to win that placed him a notch higher than the rest.

It seemed that Michael could almost, by the sheer force of his will, win a basketball game. I think most people who saw him would agree that he was a once-in-a-lifetime sports figure.

Because he was so great in nearly every facet of the game, many of us were surprised whenever his teams lost. In one sense Michael was like what Tiger Woods was like the first 10 to 12 years of his golf career. At the height of their respective games, they were seemingly unstoppable.

But the truth is they were stoppable. They could not transcend the game. Neither one of these world-class athletes could break the will of the game. In the end, they became a servant of the game rather than the game becoming their servants. Let me explain.

Calibrated by the game

A regulation NCAA and NBA basketball court is 94’ x 50’. There are five people on each team. In college there are two 20-minute halves. In the NBA there are four 12-minute quarters. Each player is allotted so many personal fouls before they are asked to leave the game. In addition to these rules of the game, there are many more.

Then there is the human element. The game requires nearly constant running. It also requires you to be in your optimum athletic shape. The ideal age to play your best basketball is somewhere between 22 and 35 years of age.

If you are younger, you still have a lot to learn. If you are older, you are on the downside of your prime. These are some of the unalterable calibrations of the game. There are rules to obey, physicality demands, a team framework, and time requirements. All of these things and more will calibrate any individual no matter how great they are.

Nobody is greater than the game. If you don’t respect the game by allowing the game to calibrate you, then all your skill, brains, and will to win won’t matter. You will not transcend the game–you are subject to it. In the end, you will go away just like everyone else and the game will remain.

If a computer was programmed to build the best basketball athlete in the world, it is possible that the computer would generate a specimen something like Michael Jordan. If the computer conjured up the perfect golfer, it would probably be Tiger.

Both of these athletes, no matter how great they were made to be, would not win all the time. When Michael entered the NBA it took him a few years to figure this out. Though he was head and shoulders better than the rest, he could not win championships by disrespecting the calibrations of the game.

It does not matter how great you are, if you don’t pay homage to the game then the game will not let you win. You just can’t break the rules of the game. Though many expected great things from him, he could not deliver…not until he realized that he was not greater than the game, but only a part of the game.

He had to be calibrated first. He had to work within the framework of the game. In time Michael figured it out. The game would not allow him to be a one-man show where he could do whatever he wanted to do.

He learned the game. He worked within the rules of the game and played according to the game’s strategies. And when he got in sync with the game, he became part of a group that turned the NBA basketball world upside down.

Calibrated by life

The lesson Michael learned is a hard lesson for all of us to learn. I struggled like Michael for years. I remember thinking as a youth that I knew better than those who were much older than me. I prognosticated that when my time came I would do it differently than all the rest.

Today I tell people I hit omniscience at nineteen. Omniscience is a fancy theological way of saying, “I knew it all.” I’ve since heard of other people who became omniscient a bit earlier than me. I suppose I was slower than my peers, though it’s not bad to know it all by nineteen, right?

The first person I remember knowing more than was my father. He was not a nice person to any of his children and I not only grew to dislike him, but I grew to believe that I knew better than him.

It was as though I was saying, “When I get older I’ll do it better than you did.” How foolish was that? You probably know where that kind of attitude got me. My problem was twofold: (1) I did not know what life was about and (2) I had no respect for the game–the game of life.

I would not be deterred. Life was not going to slow me down. When I got my chance, I knew it would be different from the examples who were paraded before me.

I thought my daddy was wrong–which he was in many ways, and I would do better. “Just give me my chance and I’ll show you,” I would muse in my heart. The day came when I got my chance. And one of the first lessons I learned was that my daddy was not as dumb as I thought he was.

My dad entered into life and life slapped him in the face. Eventually it knocked him down. I did not understand that until I entered into life and got slapped in the face. How can you know what you do not know?

When life did knock him down, he made a choice to crawl inside a bottle and not come out. I now know why he did that. If it were not for the grace of God I would have made a similar choice.

When my time came to step out on the hardwood it soon became apparent that the game of life was either going to make me or break me. No matter how hard I tried, I was not going to defeat it. In the beginning I tried to transcend the game. I was going to do it my way, even if it killed me. It nearly killed me.

Life is hard

Frank Sinatra used to sing, “I did it my way.” He did not. He may have tried to do it his way. He may have thought he was doing it his way. But in the end he did it like everybody else. He did it God’s way. Nobody does it their way. You can try to do it your way if you want to, but you will not win.

God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. – James 4:6 (ESV)

Michael had to learn to humble himself to the rules of the game if he wanted to win. He had to be calibrated by the game. He was calibrated. And he won. I had to learn (and I’m still learning) to be calibrated by the game too.

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. – Proverbs 14:12 (ESV)

• Are you having a rough time?
• Are you not in sync with the game?
• Are you getting slapped in the face?
• Are you being knocked down?

If you are, then you need to understand that this is part of the game. This is life. Life is hard. I’m not trivializing your troubles and most certainly not making light of them. I’ve had a boatload of trouble myself. I’m merely saying that this is part of the great game we are playing.

If we don’t get onboard with God’s plan, even if it takes us to Egypt, we’ll spend our whole lives kicking against something that we won’t defeat (Genesis 50:20). We must be calibrated by something that is greater.

A change in game plans

I remember going to see my friend Katie play a basketball game. She had been playing for years, but I never saw her play. She was about fourteen when I saw her play for the first time.

I remember it like it was yesterday. When her ACL snapped I thought I heard the pop from where I was sitting on the other side of the gym. Her life was changed forever.

Prior to that moment we all had a pretty good idea how things were going to go for her. Her life was mapped out. Pat Summit and a few other big name college coaches had sent her letters, hoping she would play on their team.

Katie’s college basketball career ended before it ever begun and I do not know why. The game of life re-calibrated her and sent her in another direction. That is how the game of life works.

She was an incredible basketball player. Her life-trajectory was defined. Her goals were clear. It all made sense. And then snap–it all went wrong in a split second. Or did it go wrong?

It’s in those moments where we have to realize that we’re not the center of the universe and the universe is not going to bow to our dreams no matter how hard we demand them. It will not. It cannot. That is not how it works.

Calibrated by God

The wise man will allow himself to be calibrated by God, regardless of what that means. He does this because he is wise. He has learned that he must submit to something greater than himself. He submits to the rules of the game. He chooses to work within the framework that God lays out and he will not try to do otherwise.

The end of the matter…Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil. – Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 (ESV)

The writer of Ecclesiastes thought a lot about life. He looked at nearly all the possibilities under the sun. After much thought and reflection, he gave his conclusion to the matter. His appeal for us is to choose wisdom, which means allowing the calibrating hand of God to shape our lives.

When Jesus thought about these things, He was even more clear. He gave us the secret to life when He said:

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind…And…You shall love your neighbor as yourself. – Matthew 22:37-39 (ESV)

That my friend is how the game is to be played. If you will allow yourself to be calibrated by these two things–love God and love others–then you will experience the best possible life imaginable.

It’s not about winning or losing. It’s not about being the best. It’s not about getting everything to go your way. Those things do no matter in the end. What matters is how you play the game regardless of what the game requires of you. That is all God asks.

Whether you’re a poor widow woman who can only muster up two copper coins (Mark 12:42) or an overly educated Pharisee (Philippians 3:4-7), it matters not to God. What matters to God is the quality of love you have for Him and for others.

If a love for God and others is what calibrates your heart then you have learned the secret of life and you will be a success regardless of where the game takes you.^[1]

1. ^[1] I heard sportswriter Bob Ryan talk about how the “game calibrates” a player and thought it was an interesting way of thinking about life, hence this article. ↩

How do you discern the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow?

Though the question may seem to be your run-of-the-mill Bible question, how you answer it will determine the quality of your life and your relationships.

Your thoughts on repentance will be the difference between life and death, restoration and dysfunction, and joy and sorrow.

In order to truly discern your daily practice of repentance it may even be wise to talk to a friend about this life altering question.

When God shows you that there is something wrong with you, what do you do?

How do you respond to Him?

When the Spirit is calling you out of a particular nonsense, what does change look like for you?

The Bible says the proper response to these questions is repentance.

Interestingly enough the very first point of the Ninety-Five Theses that Martin Luther nailed on the door of the Castle Church of Wittenberg on the eve of All Saints Day in 1517 said the following:

When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said “repent,” He called the entire life of the believer to be one of repentance.^[1]

Though this can sound bleak or overly introspective to some, it is not. What it really means is victory. Because of the conquering Gospel, we have the victory through Christ. Christians are the only people in the world who can continually repent.^[2]

Luther understood the Gospel of Jesus Christ and knew that the only way a person could make progress in the Christian life was through daily, active repentance. How goes it with you? Do you do this?

Just like the Gospel, repentance is an act of strength and wisdom (1 Corinthians 1:18-25). The richest men and women in the world are repenting men and women. They have discovered and are regularly applying the Christian’s secret weapon of active repentance.

For some Christians repentance is not good news at all. They see it as bleak and overly introspective. They don’t see the need and/or they do not want to do it. Others believe the Bible does not talk about repentance for the believer.

This latter group puts forth a teaching that we are no longer condemned and therefore we don’t have to repent. They would see repentance for the unbeliever and all the believer needs to do is to accept the forgiveness already provided.

Bible truth would not agree, but say that repentance is the key to saving grace and repentance is the key to sanctifying grace. From start to finish repentance is a necessary and on-going lifestyle for all believers. Tim Keller said, “All of life is repentance.”

Paul called Christians to repent

The letters to the Corinthians were Paul’s attempt to encourage the Corinthian Christians to change their ways. The biblical term for this is called repentance. He was writing to give those Christians a wake-up call–a call to repent.

It was in these writings where we come across the teaching of godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. In 2 Corinthians 7:8-11 Paul was writing to commend these Christians for their godly repentance. Here is what he said:

For even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it—though I did regret it, for I see that letter grieved you, though only for a while. As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting.

For you felt a godly grief…For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.

For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves innocent in the matter. – (ESV)

Paul previously wrote a stern rebuke to the Corinthians. In this letter that we call 2 Corinthians he is commending them because his confrontational letter helped bring them to godly repentance. These Christians genuinely changed.

This is what godly sorrow is. It produces a repentance that leads to spiritual life that has no regret. It is not a self-focused sorrow that leads to regret, but a sorrow that fully releases a Christian from the sins he committed.

What is worldly sorrow?

Worldly sorrow is different from the godly sorrow that Paul was commending the Corinthian Christians for. Worldly sorrow has non-repentive characteristics. Here are a few:

• Self-pity – I can’t believe I did this.
• Personal embarrassment – What are others going to think about me now?
• Shameful regret – I will never be able to forget what I have done.
• Unbelieving guilt – I can’t forgive myself.

Worldly sorrow simply put is feeling sorry for yourself, but not sorry enough to turn to God in true life change. If you are unsure about your repentance, then a good assessment question for you would be to think through how often you fall into any of the traps mentioned above?

The Corinthians did not respond with worldly sorrow. They walked out godly sorrow, which was manifested through moving from an ongoing self-centered lifestyle to a Gospel-centered way of thinking and living.

What is godly sorrow?

Turning from something that is bad, while turning to something that is good is the essence of repentance. You can say it this way: from/to. Repentance is a from/to dynamic. Note how the Corinthian Christians repented:

• They turned from loathing Paul to longing to see Paul.
• They turned from rejecting Paul’s apostolic authority to embracing him.
• They turned from being influenced by false teachers to indignation of false teachers.
• They turned from being proud and defensive of their sin to mourning over their sin.
• They turned from refusing to exercise church discipline to following Paul’s instruction to discipline an erring brother.

Repentance expresses itself as visible, tangible, and practical life change. It is a continual turning from a former way of life to a Gospel-motivated kind of life. We can do this because it is the victory we own because of the conquering Christ. Repentance is the blank check that we can cash anytime.

The reason this is important is because even though we have a new identity in Christ we still continue to sin. Yes, all Christians have been saved from the penalty of sin, which happened at salvation, but all Christians still need to be changed on a daily basis from the entangling power of sin.

Godly repentance keeps us walking in obedience and holiness. Repentance is the means by which we are continually saved from ourselves. It is a continual movement from what used to be to what should be. This kind of living is the central theme of the Christian life.

What is your life…like?

In Colossians 3:5-12 and Ephesians 4:22-24 Paul talks about repentance in a putting off-putting on framework. Though he is using different terminology in these letters, he is making the same appeal: Christians need to be changing on a daily basis. Daily repentance is what believers do. Unbelievers can’t practice daily change.

This means we live in a state of openness, transparency, and humility–giving God moment by moment opportunity to convict us. And because of His merciful confrontations we have the privilege of turning from our selfishness to a better representation of His dear Son.

We all live in the already, but not yet tension. We are already positionally perfect in Christ, but we are not yet functionally perfect. We were not made sinlessly perfect when He saved us. As the saying goes, “He’s still working on me.”

As you think about your need to change, how would you answer the following questions? If you have a close friend or spouse, how about if you guys talk through these questions.

• Would you say that you repent often, occasionally, seldom, or never?
• Are you more apt to talk about the sins of others or your sins?
• How often would you say you repent of your sins to other people–often, occasionally, seldom, or never?
• How often do you go to people and say,

“I’m sorry I have hurt you. It was a sin and I wronged you. I’m sorry I have wronged you. I don’t want to do it again. Will you forgive me?”

The Bible teaches us that this kind of thinking and practice should be a lifestyle. Parents, your kids need to know that you are the biggest sinner in your house (Matthew 7:3-5). If you want your kids to grow up with humble hearts, then you’re going to have to model repentance to them.

The life you live will have either a positive or negative influence on your children. Why not show them how to live out repentance? If you don’t, then there is a strong chance your kids could grow up to be self-righteous religious kids, who don’t know how to change because they have not seen an authentic example of what repentance looked like.

Genuine repentance

Sin takes no prisoners. That is not the way sin works. It comes to divide, kill, and destroy. It is relentless. If allowed, sin will kill a church, a small group, a family, a marriage, or a relationship.

It’s my choice. It’s your choice. We will either allow our sin to kill relationships or we will allow the Spirit of God to work through us to put sin to death so our relationships can be redeemed.

Personally, I need grace to be a quick repenter. Quick repenters are grace-empowered, humble people. They don’t play around with sin. They have a clear understanding of what sin is and they regularly practice repentance in their lives. For example:

• Repentance is not worldly sorrow or pouting, which is more concerned about the consequences of your actions than the possibilities of change.
• Repentance is not penance or some form of self-atonement where you have to pay for what you did. It’s not about good works outweighing your bad works.
• Repentance is not simply a confession where the person says he is sorry, but does not seek forgiveness. Saying “I sinned” is good, but not good enough.
• Repentance is not a partial confession where a person tells part of the truth, but not all the truth. True confession typically reveals more than what others already knew.
• Repentance is not self-centered motivation with the intent on getting some kind of reward because of the confession. The reward of repentance is a clean conscience and right relationships.
• Repentance is not damage control in order to save face or not suffer too many losses. The repentant man does not care about his losses. (See Luke 15:17-21)
• Repentance is not morbid introspection or going on a sin-hunt. You’re not called to hunt sin down, but to deal with it when it comes up. You won’t have to look for it, because it will come looking for you.

Genuine repentance carries a true heart-felt desire to change before God. It is crying out for Jesus. It is rest for the soul. It is a 180 degree life change. It’s an unflinching desire to repent because you want to make God’s name wonderfully great in your life and if possible you want to restore your relationships.

Genuine repentance listens to God’s Spirit right now–in this moment–and begins to turn from whatever foolishness is going on to a new life of Christ-centered obedience and holiness.

Food for talk

• How does your spouse lead or shepherd you through repentance–whether the spouse is the husband or the wife?
• Do you regularly repent?
• Spouse, how do you model repentance to your partner?
• Parent, how do you model repentance for your children?
• What has repentance looked like in your home?
• How do you need to change? If you need to change (repent), will you?
• How has your life, home, small group, and church moved closer to a “community of repentance?”

1. ^[1] These are my notes from a sermon preached at my church on 02.19.12, by Charlie Boyd. We’re working through 2 Corinthians. These notes are for 2 Corinthians 7:8-11. You can find all the sermons here ↩
2. ^[2] I am speaking of sanctification here. ↩

On Tuesday, February 28th I will be conducting a live Town Hall meeting for our Members.

It will be a discussion with a fellow Member about Becoming a Non-Profit Org (NPO).

If you are a Member and interested in joining this discussion, please go to the Member Site and click the registration button on the right hand side (yellow column).

There is limited seating, so please register early.

Just like our last Live Town Hall on Small Group Life, I will seek to record this for you.

If successful, I will place it on the Webinar Page of the Member Site. (You can find the Small Group Life Live Town Hall there now.) Here are some of the questions we will be covering.

1. What are some of the positives and negatives of a NPO over a for-profit organization?
2. How do you go about selecting board members?
3. Should I work another job while building up my NPO?
4. If so, then how do I know when it is time to quit my day job?
5. Is it wrong to struggle with giving up my day job benefit package?
6. Do I need to be on the board and if so, what position should I seek?
7. As the founder how can I maintain a position of leadership?
8. How do I go about fundraising?
9. Should I try to become a NPO by myself or are there some things I should hire out?
10. How do you obtain the legal designation of NPO–501(c)(3) status?
11. Miscellany questions from Members.

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While walking downtown Main Street the other day I met a beggar coming my way.

My mind hit a momentary pause button and then I re-indexed and ran a few thoughts through my head about how I should respond to this man.

As he came closer to me, he popped the question.

“Mister, can you spare a dollar or two. I haven’t had anything to eat since yesterday.”

I told him it would be a privilege to help him.

With a quick glance to my right, I pointed to the local Subway restaurant and told him I’d love to buy him a sandwich.

He said that he didn’t want a sandwich, but preferred I give him a couple of dollars to help him out.

I declined to give him cash and attempted to carefully explain that to him.

He was fixed on what he wanted.

I let him know that I could not help him that way, but would love to serve him.

He declined and continued on to his next prospect.

Within minutes of that encounter he became a fading event of my past, one of a million things I have done in my life that I hardly remember anymore. I was not perturbed, bothered, upset, or annoyed that he was working me.

It was just one of those events that happens to all of us. It was a quick opportunity to discern the Spirit and ask the question, “What would the Savior do in a moment like this?” You deal with it the way you believe God would want you to deal with it and you move on to the next thing that He has prepared for your day.

I did not dismiss this man or show a lack of care for him. It could possibly be analogous to the rich young ruler who wanted something from the Savior. The Savior encountered him and sought to serve him, but believed it would not be wise to give the young ruler what he wanted the way he wanted it.

When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich. – Luke 18:22-23 (ESV)

The rich young ruler did not want what Jesus was offering. He had another motive. I’m not sure if this young man ever became a Christian. Minimally he became a Bible illustration regarding salvation.

I don’t think I was unkind to the beggar-man. He asked for money for food. I offered him food instead. He decided that he did not want the food after all. He wanted the money. I believed I did what I was supposed to do. I went on with my day. I tried to care for him, but did not feel tempted to over-care.

When caring becomes over-caring

Brent has been my friend for many years. We went to high school together and then separated shortly thereafter as marriage, family, and work took us to different places around the country.

Years later we reconnected. During the intervening years Brent’s life went from good to bad. His wife was about to leave him, his children did not have a heart for God, and Brent’s head was immersed in the worldly cares of this life.

He wanted to meet to work through some of these problems. We met. And we met. And we met again. And again and again and again. We met for nearly six months.

During this time Brent proved to be stubborn and disinterested in the kind of change that was necessary to bring reconciliation to his family. He said he wanted to change, but he was not willing to do what it took to change.

I prayed and pondered many hours about how to help this man to change. I would present change this way and then talk about it another way. It didn’t seem to matter. Nothing worked for Brent.

Not being deterred, I would back up and start all over again with a totally new approach. That new fangled approach did not work either. Over time I started becoming critical of Brent. Initially I never said anything, but sensed my heart growing frustrated with him.

After awhile I began to go home and tell my wife about how difficult he was being–about how rough and challenging the counseling was going. As the weeks went by and my personal investment in his life grew, I began to grow impatient with him.

It wasn’t long before I became harsh and unkind toward Brent. Sadly, I actually had a growing disinterest in helping him. He was not listening. I was over-caring. The investment had grown deep and the change was not happening according to my expectations.

Being concerned – Being responsible

Have you ever over-cared for someone or something? Have you ever cared too much? If you are a Christian with the love of God in your heart, I suspect you have. Have you ever over-worried? Have you ever been over-anxious?

Let me ask the questions this way:

• Do you generally feel responsible for certain people?
• Or can you guard your heart from being responsible, but still show concern?
• Do you know the difference between being responsible and being concerned?

It is one thing to be concerned for someone regarding whether they change or not. It is a wholly other matter to be responsible for people–including your own children. I’ve illustrated the two positions with the stories above.

I am concerned – I was concerned for the beggar on the street, but I did not sense a responsibility to change him. I wanted him to change. I even thought about how I could serve him before he popped the question. But I did not feel like it was my job to make him change.

I did not act disinterested by showing no concern and I did not cross the line as though his change was my responsibility. I offered him some food and hoped to continue the convo by introducing Christ to him. He wanted one thing–money.

I am responsible – With Brent it was a different story. I crossed the line from being concerned to thinking it was my responsibility to change him. I treated him much different from the beggar in the street or the way Christ interacted with the rich young ruler.

I forget what my role was with Brent. It’s simple: my role for all people at all times is to be concerned, but I am not to be responsible for anyone. I cannot make people change.

Righteousness is not something that can be forced on anyone. It is a personal choice between an individual and God. This has been my story regarding how I have changed through the years. No one could make me change, except for God.

1. They could water.
2. They could plant.
3. But they could not give the growth.
4. Change is God’s job.

What then is Apollos? What is Paul? Servants through whom you believed, as the Lord assigned to each. I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. – 1 Corinthians 3:5-6 (ESV)

When the water boy sins

I am forever grateful for the people who have loved me enough to speak into my life. I love all water boys and seed throwers for Jesus. But I do not hold anyone responsible for my personal change.

Sometimes I can forget this very basic truth about the Gospel. Sometimes I can cross the line from being God’s water boy and seed thrower to trying to make a person grow–to change or what the Bible calls repentance.

When I forget my role, it is as though I believe I am responsible for their change. There is a world of difference between being concerned for someone and being responsible for someone. If I cross that line it won’t be long before I’m sinning against them.

You may ask, “How do I know when I have crossed the line from being concerned for those I help versus feeling responsible for them changing?”  That is the million dollar question and it’s easy to answer.

When I begin to over-care for a person there are certain things that begin to happen in my heart. Initially they are not discernible to the human eye, but if I don’t take these heart sins to God, they will soon manifest in behavioral sins that are clearly discernible.

What I try to do is keep an eye on my heart by sensing when I am caring too much. If these sins (below) begin to rear up then I know I have crossed the line from being appropriately concerned for someone to caring too much for someone.

The following is a non-exhaustive list of heart attitudes and behaviors that I commit when I’ve crossed the line. If any of these things happen to you, then may I suggest that you are caring too much–that you have forgotten your role in the change process:

• I’m tempted to become angry when a person does not change.
• I’m tempted to become critical when I think about him.
• I’m tempted to gossip about him to others.
• I’m tempted to be cynical and lose faith in God that he will ever change.
• I’m tempted to become impatient when I am with him.
• I’m tempted to exhibit more sadness than joy when I think about him.
• I’m tempted to uncharitably judge him because he won’t change.
• I’m tempted to worry or become anxious as though his lack of change is because of me.

When I sense these sinful temptations in my soul, then I know that my trust is slipping from the Savior of the universe to my own abilities, agendas, and preferences for this particular individual (think Brent here).

I am mini-Messiah, hear me roar

In short, I have become a Mini-Messiah. In those moments I have become a functional atheist–a man who believes the change process rests more on him and his opinion of how things should be than whatever God may be thinking or doing in a person’s life.

This is hardcore pride that must be repented from. In the case of me, I have to reposition myself within the framework of God’s purposes for that individual’s life.

If I do repent of my pride and realize that my main purpose is to water and to plant the seed while trusting God to bring the growth, then my human ability to serve my friend does not impede what God is doing in his life.

However, when I begin to feel more responsible than God wants me to feel, then I typically sin against the person–according to the list above. My sin then becomes a distraction in the helping process. My faith for change and the timing for change must be fully in God’s will, especially when I’m helping a seemingly unchangeable person.

For me, the tipping point is usually a person I have spent more time with rather than a person I will meet only briefly. That is why it was easier for me to not become emotionally attached to the beggar. He was a temporary encounter. That is also the reason I crossed the line with Brent. He was a long-term investment.

Typically people will sin against a person they have spent a long time praying for, pulling for, and generally helping and hoping that they will change. That is normal. The more time you put into somebody’s life, the more you expect them to change.

A lot of mothers are this way with their children. They are tempted to cross the line from being concerned and helping to taking it personal and getting in the way or becoming a distraction regarding what God might be doing in their child’s life.

It is one of the toughest lessons for a parent to learn. Can we discern and obey our roles in the change process, especially with our children? One of the triggers that will let you know if you have crossed the line is when you begin to sin. If you’re sinning, you’re not helping. Read my article I got angry at my daughter the other day if you want to read how not to parent.

If you are becoming more anxious, worried, fearful, fretful, impatient, frustrated, or some other sin, then you’re out of line and in the way. You must repent and trust God. This is one of the most remarkable things about the Savior. He was cool in all contexts. He shared His Word and went on His way.

He was not uncaring and He would not force His righteousness on anyone. If you would like to learn more about this idea of responsibility vs. concern, checkout my short 10-minute video that unpacks it for you.^[1]

1. ^[1] I first heard of this concept of “concern vs. responsibility” from Paul Tripp and gladly give credit to him for his wisdom and gifts that God has given him for His church. ↩

When Thomas came to counseling he was very angry with his wife, Jessica.

We talked through his anger and an assortment of other things too.

We talked and talked and talked and talked.

The bottom line was that he was angry with Jessica and he was not planning on changing his attitude any time soon.

Our counseling ceased shortly thereafter.

We remained friends and he remained determined to hold onto his unforgiveness toward his wife. Counseling is not about changing people, but about speaking God’s truth to people.

Whether they change or not is not so much dependent upon the counselor as it is dependent upon the person’s desire and intent on doing what God is asking him to do. Thomas did not want to do what God wanted him to do, at least not during the time we were meeting.

Eventually our counseling came to an end. You can only ask a person to “be nice” so many times. Either the person will seek to become nice or he will stop coming to counseling. In the case of Thomas, he stopped coming to counseling.

One year later

Last week I met with Thomas again. This was the first time I saw him in a counseling context in about a year. We met for reasons other than his marriage, but I did ask him about his anger toward Jessica. He paused. Then he said, “I’m not angry with her anymore. I knew I could not stay angry with her and make any progress in my marriage.”

Isn’t that the way it always goes? What I mean is this: how many people do you talk to like Thomas who truly do not know what to do about their problems? He knew all along that he was angry with his wife and that he needed to change his mind about his angry attitude.

There was no doubt that Jessica was doing some things wrong in their marriage, but that did not matter as far as Thomas changing. Would Thomas be able to stand before Christ and say, “I know I was sinning, but it was in part because of Jessica.” We know the answer to that question. The only excuse to sinning is, “I chose to sin. I am at fault. Nobody made me do it. It’s all on me.”

There were two issues at hand regarding Thomas and Jessica. One of them Thomas could control and one of them he could not. What he could control was whether he wanted to be angry at her. What he could not control was his wife’s choices.

Thomas decided that he would control what he could control. He repented of his anger toward his wife. His marriage is not perfect today, but it is better than it was simply because he decided to change (repent) his mind.

He quit saying but–the justifying conjunction that takes the edge off sin. He stopped invoking other rationalizations for why he was angry. He quit denying the truth about himself and his sin.

Coinciding this time with Thomas this past week was an email I received from a person who had been struggling similarly in sin. This Christian demonstrates how we all know when we’re sinning and even why we sin. What she said below could be mapped over any of our lives.

I was the person who wouldn’t change. Through the work of the Lord through the Holy Spirit and the tenacious and loving confrontation of a Christian sister, the Lord has granted me repentance for the bitterness that I allowed into my heart dating back many years. This spilled over into other areas of my life. My heart was stony and I knew it, but I was stuck in anger.

Will you decide to change?

Each of us have to come to that place where we are going to be honest with ourselves and possibly with others. If we choose to justify our anger or rationalize any of our sins away, we will not make any progress in our relationships, whether that relationship is with God or with others. Our problem is not so much about being dumb as it is about being honest.

Thomas and my email friend both knew what they needed to do. It was a matter of whether they were going to do it or not. Were they going to repent. The good news for them is that they decided that they were going to repent. And God gave them empowering grace for their humility–they changed.

I remember when I was sitting in jail as a 15-year old punk kid. Sometime during that five-day lock-up I decided that I was not going to continue to live the life I had been living. I determined while sitting in my 10 x 10 concrete walled room that I was not going to go in the direction I had been going. I was a pagan who repented the best I knew how.

The interesting thing about this was that I did not become a Christian until ten years later. Though I did not know God and was a decade away from knowing God, I began walking down the road to repentance that day while sitting in jail. I don’t know why it took so long to get to God. I don’t know why it took so long for me to get to the real truth.

It doesn’t matter to me now and it didn’t matter to me then since I did not know that there was a better truth out there. All I knew as a 15-year old kid was that I did not want to live the way I had been living. I made a decision to quit my foolishness. From that point forward I tried to do better.

I turned over new leaves. I make many resolutions. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and all the other things a person does in order to change his ways. I cut my hair. I clean up my language. I stopped smoking weed. I became a hard worker at work. I changed. This path of self-reformation eventually led me to God ten years later.

You’re not a victim – stop acting like it

The point is this: a person who truly wants to change will change without conditions. A person who wants to hem-haw about change and make excuses about change is not interested in changing, but is only talking about change from a damage control or what’s in it for me kind of way.

Initially Thomas came to me for counseling because he was in a bad marriage and his wife was not meeting all of his expectations. He had a legitimate gripe in some ways. His argumentation could be partially validated. But he was also wrong in other ways. He was guilty too.

However, during our time together he talked about change within the context of his wife changing too. He was essentially saying, “Yes, I know I need to change but my wife needs to change also.” That is not how change works.

I used a similar argument when I was a teenager. I could have given you a long list of reasons as to why I was the way I was. Though I knew my guilt and knew that I needed to change, I was able to make a strong case about all the injustices in my life. This kinda rounded the corners off my sin and positioned me for a victim-centered paradigm.

Because there was enough truth in my victimization, there were always people who were willing to show me sympathy. This allowed me to stay in my sin, while not feeling so bad about it. The truth was that I was just like Thomas. Though I had a good argument for what was happening to me, I also knew that I was guilty.

It took a 10 x 10 jail cell to drive that truth through my thick head. I don’t know what it took to drive that truth through my friend’s thick head, but he was right: he knew that he could not stay angry and progress in his marriage.

You’re not a victim so stop acting like it. Nobody has ever done anything to you that is more severe or more damning than what you have done to Christ. The sinless Son of Man died on a cruel tree to rescue you and me from our sins. It is unwise, unkind, and intellectually dishonest to strut around like a victim in light of Calvary’s truth.

Things are still the same

As you think about changing, be sure to adjust your heart about your motives for change. Your motives for change must be because you want to make God’s name great and nothing else. This is an essential key to change.

As I mentioned above when I began the road to change at fifteen I did not get to God until ten years later. My motive was simple: I wanted to change because I wanted to change. I did not say that I would change if my daddy changed or my brothers changed or my life circumstances changed. I changed because I wanted to change my ways. That’s all.

Therefore, if you need to change. Then change. Don’t over-complicate it or over-think it. Just change. Stop your meanness and change. Don’t put conditions on it. Don’t say, “I will change and after I do I expect this or that to happen.” Even as a pagan kid I knew better than that.

There were no conditions. I simply said I’m not going to walk the way I have been walking anymore. I’m gonna walk another way. Though I had no clue as to where that new way was going to lead me or what the results would be, it didn’t matter–I had to change. In my case part of the results was me eventually becoming a Christian.

When I initially made a decision to change virtually nothing else in my life changed at all. My brothers were still mean. My dad was still a drunk. My school teachers continued to judge me for my reputation as well as my family’s reputation. Nobody was reaching out to help me, but that was not the reason I began to change. I changed because I was tired of being the way I was.

Though I could not control what others were or were not doing, I could make a decision–I could change. Do you really want to change? If so, then this is what you need to do:

• Step #1 – Be honest. Quit playing the victim card. Tell the real truth about yourself. Don’t add any ifs, ands, or buts to the assessment of your life. For this one time in your life, you are permitted to make this all about you. Tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth about you.
• Step #2 – Tell a friend. Let someone else know how you need to change and why you need to change and hold them accountable for holding you accountable to change. Don’t let them off the hook. Make them speak into your life.
• Step #3 – Guard your heart. Watch yourself to make sure you’re not tempted to fall back into old patterns. You may desire for certain things to happen because you have changed. Your personal change does not mean others will do the same.
• Step #4 – Gratitude. Thank God daily because He gave you the desire to change and the power to change. Two of my brothers and my dad died because of their sin choices. I am very sad about that. But I am also very grateful that He changed me.

There may be some people in your life who never change, but that should not control you to the point that you won’t change. You can change if you want to. It’s your decision. You have the power to choose between a metaphorical 10 x 10 jail cell or to be free.

Confidentiality within a Christian worldview is a biblical anomaly.

What I mean is that it’s a cultural idea that has crept into the Christian world.

An anomaly is something that deviates from an expected norm (My computer dictionary).

Confidentiality in the Christian world deviates from the expected norm.

And what is the expected norm?

The expected norm is that Christians do not gossip, slander, or commit other sins of the tongue (Ephesians 4:29).

The expected norm is that Christians seek to build each other up or what the Bible calls edification (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

The expected norm is that Christians will use self-control and discretion regarding how they talk about others (Proverbs 12:18).

Yes, I am aware that all Christians do not live and abide by expected norms.

And when they don’t others are tempted to import cultural practices into their methodology as a way to solve problems and/or mitigate fear.

In the long run it does not solve problems, but can more easily convolute a situation. Interestingly enough, the Bible does not speak specifically to the confidentiality concerns of counseling. The reason for this is because counseling is not a Christian-historic norm either.

Historically, discipleship in the context of the local church, has been the biblical approach to helping others. For reasons that are outside the scope of this article, Christian counseling has in some ways and in some places supplanted the biblical norm of discipleship in the context of the local church, hence the perceived need for the confidentiality concept.

Because of this, the culturally informed practice of confidentiality has become the expected norm, even in the local church. It is amazing that many of us are more aware of cultural expectations and believe in them than biblical expectations. It’s like evolution trumping creationism. That would be an anomaly too.

In the spirit of accommodation, Christian counselors have taken the term confidentiality and fitted it with a more biblical definition. What we have in our Informed Consent Form at The Counseling Solutions Group, Inc. is generally how most Christian counselors explain their understanding and practice of confidentiality:

Information disclosed in counseling sessions will be held confidential only as the counselor believes the Bible or the State requires. Absolute confidentiality is not scriptural. In certain circumstances the Bible requires that facts be disclosed to selected others (Matthew 18:15-20).

If your church leadership should inquire, we will disclose to them only that information, which we believe, is necessary for them to effectively and biblically fulfill their responsibility to shepherd you. However, your counselor will inform you, if possible, of such decisions beforehand.

The Biblical norm

The biblical norm is different. The Bible does not have to accommodate because it has something better. It uses biblical language that is clear, to the point, not arguable, and releases any Christian to be free in how they share their problems with other Christians.

Here is a short list of biblical categories that safeguard any person from being sinned against regarding this idea of confidentiality: gossip, slander, unwholesome speech, biting and devouring, whisperers, and malice. This is just a sampling–there are more categories than these.

In fact, in James we have a whole chapter devoted to the tongue (James 3:1-18). There are at least 19 verses in Proverbs that talk about the tongue and I did not do a word search on mouth, lips, and speech in that practical book (Proverbs 15:2; 17:4; 18:21; 21:23).

The Bible has wildly anti-cultural and radical ideas about how we use our tongues. What the Bible offers is far better than what confidentiality offers. The ultimate trump card to stepping outside of biblical bounds is sin. It would be sin to transgress the expected speech patterns of the Bible. Christians are held to a higher law. God is very clear about how we talk to others and about others.

A funny story

I rarely share information about a counselee with my wife. It is my job to protect her from certain things and some of the things I hear in counseling would not bless her. I do not want her to know the gory details of people’s lives. It does not serve her and there is no good reason to share this kind of information with her.

My wife trusts me and quite frankly we have other things to talk about than the messiness of people’s lives. I’m not interested in talking about it and she’s not interested in hearing about it. And we don’t watch TMZ or Entertainment Tonight. Our garbage meter can only take so much before our souls grow weary.

A few years ago a lady walked up to Lucia and said, “Hi. I’m Rick’s ten o’clock on Tuesday mornings.” The lady assumed Lucia knew all things about her life. The truth was that Lucia had no idea who she was or anything about her life.

I told Lucia she should have rolled her eyes and said something like, “Oh my word. So you are that woman. My, my, my…” And then walked away, shaking her head.

There are times when my counselees will treat my wife oddly or differently, because they think she knows personal details about them. That’s not how it works in our home. Christ is the one we like to talk about. Typically, if we feel the need to talk about personal failure, we talk about our own.

Relational community or legal community

Confidentiality is more of a legal term that our culture uses to impose a stern methodology regarding how they talk to or about each other. I get that. They do not have Christ, so they are compelled to harness themselves with rigid standards. It is a fear-based approach to communication.

If communication was reduced to legal solutions, you could simply say you can’t say this or you won’t say that and the relationship could not progress past that self-imposed regulation. But the Bible is about growth and change rather than squelching discussions or relationships.

The Father was so intent on reconciliation that He sent his Son into the messiness of our lives in order to change us into something that is far better than we could ever imagine. Where confidentiality truncates relationships by hindering communication, the Gospel presses into our lives and teaches us how to talk openly and freely in order to change.

Confidentiality is clean, sterile, and has boundaries. The Gospel is messy and untamable and if it is not working redemptively in our lives then our conversations could only evolve to the depth and extent to which we are comfortable. It empowers us to go beyond our comfort zone.

The following is a short list of some of the better than behaviors the Christian has because of the Gospel. You’ll note that confidentiality either convolutes or cuts-off some of the grace gifts that belong to all Christians.

You’ll also observe how all of them speak to how the Gospel-centered man can inter-relate with others in such a way that it produces change, while further exploring the possibilities of ongoing and deeper unity in their relationships:

• Communication - God is a speaking God. We are made in His image and because of the Gospel all barriers have been removed and we now have the power, wisdom, and privilege to speak in redemptive ways similar to Him.
• Security - Because of the Gospel we are released from being concerned about what others think or say about us. God has saved and secured us in Him. God is for us. It should not matter what man thinks or says about us.
• Self-control - Because of the work of the Spirit in our lives, we can refrain from the angry sins of our tongue. Our culture does not have this kind of control because they are not Spirit-empowered.
• Discretion - God gives his children wisdom that is other worldly. We can know when and how to speak. “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” – Proverbs 25:11 (ESV)
• Gossip - The Christian is not allowed to sinfully pass on to one person the sinful information about another person when their motive is impure.
• Slander - The Christian is not allowed to bring discredit to another person’s reputation when their motive is impure.
• Edification - Because we have been built-up in Christ, through the Gospel, we have the joyful privilege of serving our brothers and sisters through enriching encouragement.
• Kindness - Our speech patterns should be filled with the hope of the Gospel. A servant is always seeking ways to serve others. Kindness is an essential tool in the Christian’s toolbox (Romans 2:4).
• Confession - We have the privilege of fixing our mess-ups. If we sin against someone with our tongues, we are not stymied. We can still press into each other because we can always reconcile (1 John 1:8-10).
• Forgiveness - Christians can overlook sinful communication because they have been forgiven. A forgiven man is always ready to forgive others regardless of what has been done to him. The Gospel neutralizes and removes sin.
• Reconciliation - Christians can go beyond confession and forgiveness, by reconciling with each other. Our sinful speech patterns do not permanently damage our relationships, but merely give us the opportunity to continue talking in deeper redemptive ways.

Because we are in Christ we have been given access to reconciling-relational-treasures that our culture has no access to or the ability to enjoy. We are not of the world and as you can see confidentiality cannot hold a candle to the possibilities that God offers us through the Gospel.

And there are many more ways the Gospel is far-superior to what the world provides in the area of inter-personal communication. I have merely given you the short list. What we have to decide is whether we really want to be separate from the world’s way of thinking and behaving.

Do we really want to be Christian in how we relate to each other? I do admit that confidentiality is easier and less messy as it pertains to how we relate to each other, but in the long run it kills inter-relational growth.

• Confidentiality separates people from people. The Gospel reconciles people to people.
• Confidentiality perpetuates a culture of fear. The Gospel builds a community of trust.
• Confidentiality tempts a person to say less. The Gospel frees a person to be transparent.
• Confidentiality hinders a man from the pursuit of humility. The Gospel emboldens a man in his fight against pride.

If I wanted others to think highly of me, I would conceal the fact that a shameful slaughter of the perfect son of God was required that I might be saved. But when I stand at the foot of the Cross and am seen by others under the light of that Cross, I am left uncomfortably exposed before their eyes.

Indeed, the most humiliating gossip that could ever be whispered about me is blared from Golgotha’s hill; and my self-righteous reputation is left in ruins in the wake of its revelations. With the worst facts about me thus exposed to the view of others, I find myself feeling that I truly have nothing left to hide. -The Gospel Primer

Confidentiality is impossible

Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? Of course you have. Don’t sweat it; I have too. Everybody has talked about other people without their awareness or their permission. You or I could not realistically function conversationally without talking about others without their awareness.

I talk about Hollywood stars, sports figures and family members regularly. I talk about people in my local church and other Christians who are part of the larger body of Christ, whether it is those who are dead or those who are alive.  I talk about people and you do too. The real question should not be, “Do we talk about other people?”

Here are the real questions we should be asking ourselves. Since we can’t keep ourselves from talking about people behind their backs, we should be more focused on assessing our motives for why we are talking about others :

1. What is the motive or intent of your heart when you talk about other people–to build them up?
2. What is your goal and purpose when talking about other people–to help them mature in Christ?
3. Do you care about or have affection for the people you are talking about–Romans 5:8?
4. Finally, in what way or how are you talking about other people–is it redemptively?

If we can’t answer those questions as suggested, then the problem is not so much about what we say as it is the motive of our hearts when we talk. If our desire is to love God and others most of all, then our hearts will have the appropriate governor that will guard our tongues.

If our motive is not about loving God and others supremely then it won’t matter if we believe in the cultural imposed standard of confidentiality or the biblically imposed standards regarding speech. We’re going to sin either way.

Mailbag - Rick, a friend at our church asked me about her son and his video game playing.

She wanted to know if I thought he was playing too much.

How would you answer her question? – Thanks

One of the perks of our Membership Site is that the members send in questions through our Forum regarding real-world things that they are dealing with.

Though we do not provide counseling through our Member Site, we do have a context–the Forum–where they can ask questions to our Membership Community.

Occasionally I will pull a question from the Forum and answer it in an article format, especially if I have not written on the subject they are inquiring about. This question on gaming is one such inquiry from a Member.^[1]

Yesterday I posted an article to help this Member with his question. Today, I want to delve into the question in a more practical way. If you have not read yesterday’s article, I suggest you take a look.

That article is called Why your son should play more video games. As you will notice I took a C. S. Lewis Screwtape Letters approach to that article. While it does not offer practical advice, it is a sober call to Christians regarding the inroads the gaming community has made into our families.

Today’s article takes a more practical approach to the video gaming problem. If the lady approached me with her question, the first two things I would want to do for her would be encourage her with hope, while addressing the real issue with her son–his heart. Let’s take a look at hope first.

Hope

I would want to reorient her mind around the goodness of God, while encouraging her in her on-going care for her son. What I mean is that I would want to offer her hope. This is always an essential starting point when dealing with problems in anybody’s life.

If she is coming to you asking a real-world question about someone–especially her son, then she is doing what all parents should do. She is being proactive. Also, she is seeking help in a place where God loves to provide help–her the local church.

She is coming to you, within your local church, asking for God’s answers for her problem. That is a counselor’s dream or what I call the counseling trifecta: (1) You; (2) Church; (3) God. She is asking the right person, in the right place, and in accordance to God’s Word. She needs to be commended and encouraged.

Heart

Secondly, I would want to let her know that video gaming is not the real issue. The behaviors in any person’s life are never the real issues. The real issues are always found in the heart. She will need to learn how to discern what is going on in her son’s heart.

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person. – Matthew 15:18-20 (ESV)

If she targets his heart, then she will be able to draw an accurate bead on the depth and severity of the real issues. Therefore, she will need to ask some X-ray questions that tap into his true self.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. – Proverbs 4:23 (ESV)

Exploring the mother

As you continue to progress with her, you will want to walk her through some of the things that she probably already knows. From my experience when someone asks a question like the one she is asking you, the person already knows the answer to the question. She is probably not an exception.

It is possible that she could be a worry-wart and is overly concerned about her child. She could also be a smother-mother who is choosing to parent her child out of fear rather than faith.

Whether she is anxious or fearful, she is probably right regarding her assessment of his video game participation since it is such an easy behavior to observe. Most parents are reasonable and they can generally tell when too much is too much.

Though she may already know the answer to her question, this may be her way of asking for help. It may be her way of getting the conversation started. She may also be seeking to get affirmation from you. She may want to be proven right. It could be that she has said something to her son and he “pushed back” on her by saying she was wrong, did not understand him, or something like that.

Maybe her husband is not onboard with her perspective and she is looking for a third-party to either dissuade her from her perspective or to affirm her perspective. Maybe her husband is not leading and she is crying out for help from you.

Nevertheless, after I give her hope and reorient her mind to the heart of the matter, I would want to explore the reasons she is asking this question. Not only will you find out the answer to why she is asking, but you will probably get some insight into the family dynamic which may be contributing to the gaming problem she is inquiring about.

Exploring the family

Now that she has been envisioned with hope, redirected to the heart of her son, and you have a good idea regarding her motive for asking you the question, you can start exploring the family dynamic with her. Before I begin asking about the son I would want to discern the overall family environment.

Where is the dad? – I’m gonna assume she is married. If not, then this assumption will help my larger audience who is reading this article. This may be the most important question you ask her.

Sadly, the majority of people who call for counseling are wives and mothers. The wife will call about her marriage and the mother will call about her children. I realize some guys are busy and they delegate the initial contact, but most of the time they quite simply do not lead. Too many times the work of parenting is left to the mothers.

A dad is the cornerstone of the family–humanly speaking. Even if he is not in the home, he plays an invaluable role. Regardless of where he is, he should be the leader in parenting the children.

Be sure to guard her heart when you ask about her husband. This could be a sore spot with her. While you want to explore this key point, you want to serve her as well. This could be discouraging to her.

What is their parenting model? – Every parent has a parenting model. They have values, goals, and practices. Though she may not be able to articulate what hers are, you will want to draw her out. How do they parent? What does it look like on a day-to-day and week-to-week basis? How active are the parents in the child’s life?

Have they built a video environment? – Sometimes parents will cave to the temptation of video gaming, T.V., sports, or other mediums in order to get a break from parenting or out of fear of saying “No” to their children. Carefully check this out.

Have they made it too easy for him to play games? If so, why so? There is a reason he is doing what he is doing and it will be important to know why it is happening. There may be something the parents will need to repent from. Maybe this is more than a kid problem.

What does their church life look like? - How active is this family in the local church? How active is the kid in the local church? I’m not asking how often do they show up per se, but do they value the local fellowship of believers and are they building as a family into that God-ordained community?

The expectation from the New Testament is for believers to be all in regarding their local assembly. You’re very familiar with Acts 2:42-47 so I won’t repeat that here, but as you know the NT folks were community-centric. Is there a breakdown here and if so, why so?

What is the relevancy of Christ in the family? - If Christ is not practically modeled by the parents, there is a good chance He will be rejected by the child. Too many times parents teach Christ, but they are weak in the area of modeling Christ. There is a world of difference in these two concepts.

What I mean is that non-modeling parents will do the cursory meal time prayer, go to church, and make sure everybody in the family has a Bible. They may even attend Bible studies and put their kids in Christian school in order to get them saved.

Where this breaks down is that it is missing a practical authentic example of Christ in the lives of the parents. Are the parents living out the Christ-life in measurable, observable, and undeniable ways? Paul said it this way:

What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. – Philippians 4:9 (ESV)

What has this child been learning, receiving, hearing, and seeing in each of the parents? If modeling does not precede our teaching then our teaching can quickly become vain to our children.

Be careful as you explore this with her, but by all means you must go here with her. Yes, she needs hope and encouragement, but you also need the most accurate assessment you can get if you want to effectively serve her. This kind of exploration is essential.

Exploring the son

I’m sure you can think of more questions in order to discern the overall family dynamic. I’m also sure that as you ask the questions above, the Spirit will illuminate your mind with more questions that will serve her. You obey the Spirit while trusting the Father for the results so she can get a clearer picture of what the Christ-life should look like.^[2]

Once you feel you’ve got a good bead on the general and specific dynamics of the home, you will want to try to key in on the son. The following are some questions I would want to ask her about him. You may find that it is a good idea to meet with the son after you discuss some of the things in this article. As to whether you meet with him or not will depend on what you find out from her and the parent’s ability to shepherd their son to Christ.

I’ll not elaborate on the reasons I am asking the questions below, since I think they are self-evident. What is essential though is that you serve her comprehensively. Many times a parent will be asking about the son while not thinking through the entire dynamic that contributes to the son’s problems.

The questions and thoughts I have outlined for you thus far will give her better peripheral vision on the entire family dynamic. Sometimes we parents can zero in on what we perceive to be the issue while missing some of the ancillary problems–like what some of the questions above can reveal to you.

As far as the son is concerned I would want to know:

1. The regular attitude of the kid.
2. His passion for spiritual things.
3. How responsible is he?
4. How are his grades?
5. How is he socializing with his family and peers?
6. What is the animating center of his life? …is it Christ? …or something else?
7. What is the maturity level of the kid?
8. Fill in the blank: I (the child) could be happy if I could _____________. (How would the mother answer this?)
9. Answer this question: Why do I play video games? (How would the mother answer this?)

Guard thy heart

In one sense video gaming is no different from anything else we do that can take the place of our preeminent Christ. We all do it and/or are tempted to do it. I’m no different from this kid. I’m tempted to pick my own preferential God-replacements.

More than likely the kid is struggling. He may be hurting and hiding from something. I would try to envision the parent to understand this to make sure her heart is properly guarded from frustration and impatience and most of all, self-righteousness.

My favorite passage along these lines is Matthew 7:3-5.

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (ESV)

No matter what somebody else is doing they are not worse than me–from my perspective. This helps to govern my heart when I’m serving others. We all stand in need of Christ. Sometimes the helpers can forget their need when they are helping a fellow struggler.

1. ^[1] Rick does read every question that comes through our ministry each day. However, due to the quantity of questions, he primarily responds to Member questions because of their partnership with our ministry. Thanks for understanding. ↩
2. ^[2] Discipleship should be a Trinitarian experience. ↩

Stevie is 13-years old and has been playing video games for the past four years.

He loves it.

He is on his best behavior when he is gaming.

And he is good at it to boot.

He is part of one of the largest communities in the world.

In 2010 there were over 500 million people spending at least an hour a day playing video games.

This number must go up. We can do better than this.

In 2010 the gaming community was only spending 3 billion hours per week playing video games.

I think with a little more effort, a lot more marketing, and better buy-in from parents, that number can and should go to about 21 billion hours per week.

And if it does, we would be on the verge of saving the world.

One of the reasons we have the problems we do today is because not enough people are playing video games.

The epic win

Today’s problems are due to low aspiration. People do not aspire to be all they can be. They are generally timid, afraid, insecure, and unwilling to take risks. But if we could convince our children to play more games in a risk free virtual world, then they would soon learn how to be more courageous.

In your average video game you can participate in the epic win. The epic win is a victory that you did not think was imaginable. In the virtual world you can go beyond real world obstacles, while exceeding all previous conceived aspirations.

The gamer is inspired to face all odds. He will do things in the virtual world that intimidates him in his real world. In the game world he can become the best version of himself. His hidden self will come out and only his virgin imagination will limit him. But that will soon go away as he fully presses himself into his virtual reality.

Real community

Real life cannot compete with the virtual world because in real life you’re more than likely to be overcome by what they call the impossible odds. Only in the virtual world will you find an accommodating community of collaborators that will inspire you to infinity and beyond.

The virtual collaborators are for you and they are driven to make you a success. It is their goal to not only tempt you to succeed, but teach you how to feel strong, victorious, courageous, and invincible. If they are for you, who can be against you?

The gaming community is far better than real life. Where else can you go to find such fellowship, where everyone is of one mind regarding their aspirations, pursuits, and goals?

Problem solving

Since the inception of World of WarCraft in 1994 gamers have spent more than 5.93 million years solving the problems of that role-playing game. Imagine a group of people spending 5.93 million years solving any kind of problem.

What we need to do is invent games that matter. We need more games where the kids can devote that kind of time solving real-world problems. How fantastic would that be?

You will never hear a parent agonizing over “little Johnny,” who won’t do his homework. Set him in front of a video game and envision him to solve the problems of the world and he will be absorbed for days.

Become a virtuoso

Currently the average kid in America will spend 10,000 hours playing online games by the time he is twenty-one. Think about this: if a kid has perfect attendance from the 5th grade through the 12th grade, he will have spent 10,080 hours in school.

Now juxtapose that with Malcolm Gladwell’s theory of success. He says that if you want to be successful, you need to spend at least 10,000 hours at the task. How cool is that?

Our kids are already wired to spend 10,000 hours gaming. There would be no coercion, manipulation, or begging and pleading. Just buy them a computer–a nice one–and World of WarCraft or something comparable.

He would have the potential of becoming a double-virtuoso. He would have the opportunity to excel at school. And he would also be able to excel at World of WarCraft. If he bombs out at school, you can pretty much guarantee he won’t bomb out at World of WarCraft.

The blessing of gaming

“What’s in it for me?” you may ask. That is a good question for any parent who loves their child. No worries. The gaming community has already thought this through for you. Even though some parents have not considered a long-term trajectory for their kids, the gamers have.

They are ready and willing to step in where you are weak or too busy to parent. They have done market analysis and have assembled thousands of focus groups where kids were allowed to play all they desired.

They took their studies and their games back to the laboratories and what they now provide for kids is far more tantalizing and tempting that what the average parent could possibly provide.

For example, below are four keys that will change your kid’s life. If you promise to buy them the games and make them do the grunt work of gaming, you will be able to mold your kid into something to be envied.

Urgent optimism

This is kinda like the golfer’s fantasy. You know…the guy who always believes he will straighten out his hook or slice on the next hole. If he happens to be on the 18th, he always knows there will be another day. He never loses hope.

This is the addictive nature of video games. You never lose hope. Now compare that with the real world. Aren’t we ready to pack it in and quit at the first sign of opposition?

Like the addicted golfer, gamers always believe the epic win is at hand. It’s just around the corner. One more minute, one more turn, one more try and I can conquer this thing.

Isn’t that what you want? Don’t you want your child to never give up? Don’t you want him to think the glass is half full and not half empty? Don’t you want him to press on against all odds? If so, then teach him how to be a gamer.

Social fabric

Gamers trust each other. They play together. They stay until the game is over. It is a real community where they inspire each other to win. There is rarely the negative, critical, down-in-the-mouth kind of person in the gaming community.

They are upbeat, positive, genuinely interested in the other person and genuinely excited when their friend achieves what they could not. Rather than being discouraged about their lack, they redouble their efforts by trying harder.

There are few communities in the world that are like this one. Hand-slapping and high-fiving are the norm. Everybody is for everybody and nobody is left out. All you need is a game. It’s a game-centered universe that is electric.

Blissful productivity

In the world where you and I live we get the afternoon blues. There are also Mondays and Fridays: the former is dreaded and the latter can’t get here quick enough. Not so for gamers.

When a boy is full-throttle into gameplay his world stands still. He’s never tired or worn out. He is producing at a level that would embarrass the average blue or white-collar American.

He will pinch himself, shake himself, or splash water on his face to stay awake. He can’t get enough of his work. Even after 14 hours straight he will go to bed at 3AM thinking about how he can manage another hour or two before people start bothering him with real work.

He is happy because he is a fully optimized human being when he is playing games. He has become the self-actualized man. He has become all he could possibly be, but he’s still motivated to become more.

Epic meaning

The obvious question that you may be asking is how can you harness this kind of raw human power that will not blink at an obstacle, but will persevere against all odds? That’s easy: he’s on an epic mission.

He is trying to be something that he can’t possibly be in his real life. Being human is boring. Being virtual is out of this world. He is bringing meaning to his life, even though it is virtual-meaning.

And what’s the harm? It’s a better solution than porn. It’s far better than checking out of life through crack. Which would you prefer your son doing: (1) Porn; (2) Crack; (3) Gaming?

That’s what I thought. Plus only gaming can give you (1) Urgent optimism; (2) Social fabric, (3) Blissful productivity; (4) Epic meaning.

What is your life?

Can you offer such things to your children? Does your life model anything close to what the gaming industry offers? I do wonder from time to time what my children are observing in me.

Though they cannot articulate the things I have written here, they can certainly sense them. They can observe me and if the Gospel does not impact me the way it should, I think they would be tempted to find a better offering, even through video games.

How are you doing regarding the gaming community’s four keys:

Urgent optimism – Do you have persevering grace that motivates you to press on against all odds?

For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. – 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (ESV)

Social fabric – Do you eagerly look forward to and participate in the community of God?

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. – Hebrews 10:24-25 (ESV)

Blissful productivity – Are your children and friends positively impacted by the joy-filled grace of God in your life?

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory. – 1 Peter 1:8 (ESV)

Epic meaning – How are your friends and family impacted by the “meaning” in your life?

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. – Matthew 28:19-20 (ESV)

Have you lost your mind?

I wonder how many of my regular readers thought something like this: “Rick must have lost his mind. I can’t believe he is promoting gaming as an acceptable parenting model.”

No, I have not lost my mind. I took a Screwtape approach to this article. I began to think about how bold, progressive, and unashamed the gaming world is when it comes to promoting their product.

I wondered how many parents were aware of the epic battle for their child’s soul. The gaming guys are serious. While we nitpick each other to death or squabble over which way a hair should be split, our culture is having a field day, while raking in the dough at the expense of our children.

What is more scary is that they are fully convinced of their mission. Occasionally I’ll watch TED Talks, a progressive teaching venue for the culture. These talks are wildly popular and when I ran across this one from the gaming industry, I was reminded all over again about the battle.

The video is 20-minutes. It will take you about seven minutes to figure out that this lady is dead serious. And when you realize this, it will sober you about their mission. The facts, numbers, and the outline in this article belong to her. I paraphrased the narrative.

Sandra has struggled all her life with people pleasing.

She said she could not remember a time when she was free from thinking about what others thought about her.

The way she dresses, the car she drives, the technology she carries, and the house she owns are all controlled to some degree by what others think of her.

A peek into her life

• She is fanatical about working out because of her keen awareness of what a “nice looking body” should look like.
• On a few occasions she has caught herself stretching the truth. She says she spins her stories because the real story doesn’t seem as interesting.
• She is fearful of bringing a bag lunch to the office because everyone else goes out to a local restaurant to eat. She’d rather go into debt than feeling like the odd man out.
• She has a low-grade anger toward her boyfriend because he pressured her to have sex with him. She believed he would leave her if she didn’t have sex. She needs to be loved by someone. Having a boyfriend is one of her ways of feeling significant.

Her biblical counselor quickly discerned that her problem was fear of man (Proverbs 29:25). The counselor told her she needed to be more concerned with pleasing God rather than others.

From there, the counselor laid out a plan of prayer, Bible study, and service oriented activities in order for her to practice a lifestyle of pleasing God.

The mistake the counselor made was not carefully unpacking what pleasing God meant to an idolator like Sandra. Sandra is an idolator who has been living a performance-driven, people pleasing lifestyle.

When she was told that she needed to be more willing to please God than man, it was not a difficult thing for her to do. People pleasing was what she knew best. Unfortunately, she was not told what pleases God so she did what she has always done–she ratcheted up her obedience.

Who can please God?

And a voice came from heaven, You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased. – Mark 1:11 (ESV)

Christ pleases God. Anything the Son does pleases the Father. Jesus came to do the will of the Father and He completed that task perfectly. The Father received the finished work of the Son and now a way has been made for us to please the Father by accepting the Son’s work.

Without faith it is impossible to please him. – Hebrews 11:6 (ESV)

A Christian, who is living by faith in the works of the Son, is pleasing God. Pleasing God is not about what we do, but about believing in the only One who could authentically please the Father. Even on our best day, with our best works, we would not be acceptable to God.

We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. – Isaiah 64:6 (ESV)

Sandra is a Christian. However, she is not seeking to please God by trusting (faith) in Him. She is still performing, but this time she is performing for the Father, hoping to get a good grade.

Rather than accepting what is pleasing to God–the works of the Son, she tries to please Him by her obedience. For example, she says she feels more spiritual by going to church. She believes her activity for God gives her more of God. She feels more spiritual when she is doing.

She also says that if she misses her prayer time, Bible reading, or a church meeting she feels less spiritual. She will read her 4.25 chapters each day, even while brushing her teeth so she can check it off.

Sandra is convinced that if she has her morning prayer time and things go well for her during the day, then she will partially contribute God’s favor on her based on her prayer-time-obedience.

As you might imagine, if she does not have her prayer time and things do not go well for her during the day, she feels as though her lack of prayer (disobedience) caused her day to go bad. Sometimes her friends affirm her theology of legalism when they observe her bad day and say, “You must not be prayed-up today.”

As you can see, when her biblical counselor gave her a list of things to do in order to please God, Sandra initially was excited about the list. Any people pleasing, self-reliant, performance-driven person would be.

However, as time went by, she could not juggle her list of spiritual disciplines with the rest of her life. Eventually discouragement and depression set in–she could not keep up. From her perspective, God was not pleased with her–basing this on her poor performance.

According to Sandra’s functional theology she could control God’s pleasure by what she did rather than what the Son did. Her understanding of Christ’s work was limited. She believed the Gospel was for her salvation, while her obedience was the primary thing needed for her sanctification.

What about obedience?

Obedience is obviously hugely important to any Christian. However, the key is to make sure that your obedience is not an effort to please God, but a response to your faith in God. This is the context when Paul told the Corinthians that:

We make it our aim to please him. – 2 Corinthians 5:9 (ESV)

Paul was trying to get the Corinthians to understand that pleasing God was a walk by faith rather than by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). The context for the passage was Paul’s appeal to get them to trust Christ rather than the things that they could see. (See 2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

If the Corinthians were trusting Christ in the way that Paul was outlining, then they would be pleasing God too. Pleasing God is about faith. Obedience is another matter. Obedience is the biblical response from a person who is trusting Christ.

Don’t you think it pleases God when you trust (faith) Him? And because you trust Him, you obey Him. The logic would flow like this:

1. I trust God.
2. God is pleased that I trust Him.
3. Because I trust Him, I obey Him.

Sandra needs to start over. She needs to understand what pleasing God means. It means to trust Him, which she is not doing. If she trusted Him she would not be trying to please Him. Contrariwise, she is trusting her works and if her works are satisfactory, according to her estimation, then God is pleased with her.

God has a good opinion of her if she is trusting His Son for salvation. This truth must be inculcated into her brain. Because she is a Christian she is in Christ and she cannot be any more in Christ.

Being more obedient does not make her more in Christ. When she was regenerated God was pleased with her and His pleasure in her does not ebb and flow.

She must guard her heart from the subtle deception that what she does through obedience can merit a better standing before God. For Sandra this is amazingly huge. She is an insecure, people pleasing, co-dependent, performance-driven person.

Warning: If you are not daily affected by Christ’s finished work on the cross you can subtly slip into an obedience lifestyle thinking that what you do pleases God as though there is some kind of merit you can achieve through your obedience.

Obedience is born out of faith in Christ

As Paul was teaching us in Corinthians, obedience is what a person does who is trusting Christ. Obedience is not something you work at as though you need a list. Obedience comes from the ontological realities of the heart. It is the logical and expected life of a person who is born again.^[1]

James teaches us this in chapter two of his book. If you are a Christian the fruit will grow. Faith without works is dead (James 2:17). Works is an assumption and expected response for the believer.

Some may argue that this is quietism or passive obedience. If that is the argument, then the point has been missed entirely. That would be like saying because I am a human I will passively grow. That is silly.

You will not passively grow. You must make real obedient choices to eat if you want to grow. You must decide what to eat with discernment and wisdom if you want to grow healthy. The reason you make those real choices is because you are a human rather than a chair or stump or some other inanimate object.

The reason you choose obedience is because you are a Christian. Obedience is what Christians do, but to frame it as pleasing God is not in line with the Gospel. Paul had strong words for that when he wrote to the churches of Galatia (Galatians 1:6-9).

Gospel-motivated obedience

I like the term Gospel-motivated works as a way to define obedience. I would want to direct Sandra regarding her motive for obedience rather than merely trying to get her to be obedient.

Her counselor did not do this. She was attempting to get Sandra to switch the object of her obedience from man to God–rather than pleasing man, she needed to please God. She should have sought to help her to switch her motive for obedience.

Jesus would say, If you love me, you will keep my commandments (John 14:15). Of course you would. That is an assumption. The operative phrase is if you love me. The reason we love Christ is because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). It would breakdown like this:

1. Christ loved us
2. Therefore we love Him
3. Out of that love we obey

If you have been affected by Christ’s obedience on your behalf, then you will love Him, and because you love Him you will keep His commandments.

Sandra was relieved and encouraged to know that she did not have to please God to gain His good opinion. She began to understand that her standing before God was as secure today as it was when He first acted upon her.

However, because her life had always been wrapped up in people pleasing, she was unclear as to what Gospel-motivated obedience looked like. This kind of thinking was a complete paradigm shift for her. Her legalism lulled her into rote behavior.

Sandra was trying to break the mold, but still perplexed as to how to practically obey God just for the joy of it. This is where her new counselor began to teach her about Gospel-motiavated obedience.

That was done by looking at how the Bible writers connected practical obedience to the Gospel. Here is a short list:

Gospel Motivated Mercy - Then his master summoned him and said to him, You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you? - Matthew 18:32-33 (ESV)

There is an assumption from the Master that this guy should have remembered what happened to him in the courtroom. If he had remembered the Gospel, he would have gone out and modeled (obedience) that same kind of Gospel-mercy to the man who owed far less than what he owed. The Master was asking him a rhetorical question that could be paraphrased this way:

Because I had mercy on you through the Gospel, you should have done the same to your friend. You should have been obedient. That is what I would expect from any of my children and that kind of obedience born out of faith would please me.

Gospel-Motivated Forgiveness - Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV)

Here Paul is teaching us that our motive for obedience is tied to the Gospel. We should not be bitter or angry or slandering because of the model we see through Christ who forgave us (the Gospel). A person who understands the Gospel rightly will forgive–a proper act of obedience.

Gospel-Motivated Love - Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… – Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)

A husband who understands the Gospel will love his wife sacrificially. He will learn her, love her, and then properly lead her. His sacrifice (obedience to God) for her would be unending and his affection for her would be unceasing. In short, he would be like our dying Savior.

Gospel-Motivated Humility - Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy. – 1 Timothy 1:15-16 (ESV)

Paul considered himself to be the chief of sinners. He was #1 in his book. He who is forgiven much is thankful much. The most thankful Christians are those who never forget that God did not get a good deal when He got them. Humility is an act of obedience, born out of a right understanding of the Gospel.

Gospel-Motivated Suffering - For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. – 1 Peter 2:21 (ESV)

Peter connected personal suffering as a thing that brings pleasure to God, particularly when our suffering is not because of our sin. It is the Christian’s privilege and opportunity to share (obedience) in the sufferings of Christ. The more we understand the Gospel, particularly the suffering aspect of the Gospel, the more we will be motivated to glorify God while we suffer.

Connecting the Gospel to obedience

For the first time in Sandra’s life she was beginning to make Gospel-connections to her practical life. She was understanding that the Gospel was not just for salvation (Justification), but the Gospel was the power she needed to live for Christ (Sanctification).

Today, she reads her Bible with a new pair of glasses as she recently said. Sometimes she gets frustrated when she thinks of all the years of cross-less Bible reading and cross-less living, but she quickly recovers by reorienting her heart back to the finished work of Christ. Sandra is free in Christ!

1. ^[1] Ontological means “state of being,” or who I really am. Because I am a Christian, I obey. ↩

This past summer I had the privilege of spending some time with my friend Todd Friel in his recording studio in Atlanta.

Two days and twenty plus hours later we had talked through over 250 of my articles on marriage.

Todd’s group at Wretched Radio did the hard work of editing and packaging and for the past few months they have been selling like hotcakes.

This past November our friends at Answers in Genesis put together a 73-page discussion guide to go along with the marriage CDs.

You can purchase the guide for $10 in our store.

Take a look at the table of contents here.

You can purchase the CDs here.

One word- WOWZA!

Here is some of the feedback thus far:

1 – After emailing you last week asking if Drive by Marriage would be beneficial for me, I downloaded it and I think that is the best purchase I have ever made for my home and my heart!

2 – I found that this presentation has attacked my natural inclination, views and mindsets I had towards marriage.

As I listened to these lectures, I found myself squirming in my flesh because I realized that naturally I do not want to sacrificially love my spouse, especially when such a love is not reciprocated.

I do not naturally want to respond graciously towards my spouse who sins and see them in the light of Jesus’ death on behalf of a sinner just like me.

Yet at the same time I am comforted, realizing that me becoming like Christ will involve a head-on collision between my flesh and will and that of God’s will.

And that is why Drive By Marriage has challenged me by changing how I think towards my wife and in turn has affected how I love her. This is indeed pointing a generation to a picture of marriage by God’s design.

3 – I would very much like to personally thank you and Rick Thomas for the gift to us that you have given in Drive By Marriage.

After 13 years of marriage, my wife and I are only now learning how to apply the Gospel in our relationship instead of law.

4 – One word- WOWZA! Got DBM last night. Already through the first 5 lessons. By far, the best Drive By series yet. What a blessing! I’m calling it “Drive BUY Marriage” It’s a must have.

5 – I started listening to the Drive By Marriage series four days ago. I finished today. Wow. This is SO good, SO helpful, SO gospel-centered, SO Christ exalting, SO sin mortifying, SO “I’m the CHIEF of sinners” reminding, SO freeing, And I am SO grateful for this, I truly am.

I know that this will not only benefit me in my relationship with my husband, but in my relationship with every other person…and especially in my relationship with the Lord, as I truly seek to exalt His Name.

I know, I know, this is marketed as a Drive By for Marriage, but truly, this applies to every relationship for the Christian; hands down.

I am in an unequally yoked marriage, so I know that my husband will not be trying to implement these Biblical truths. Nonetheless, I would highly recommend this to EVERY person, married or not, equally yoked or not.

It has been SO helpful, and I have had MUCH more JOY and FREEDOM in the last few days since…

6 – Drive By Marriage is one of the most useful marital tools I have come across for Christians at any stage or season in marriage. I will be using it as a supplemental tool with all of my clients desiring marriage counseling.