The following is a counseling session I had with a friend. It is long and meant for more reflective time rather than a quick read. I get many requests for counseling and counselor equipping and thought this would be a good way to serve you guys. Here are a few caveats however:
- Counseling “notes” miss a lot of data. For example, the Q & A does not come through as much as what actually happened in the counseling session. Counseling is not meant to be a monologue, but a dialogue. This session was not a monologue, though a simple reading of this text has that feel.
- This session was an “in process” session, meaning it was the sixth or seventh session I had with my client. All sessions, along with numerous emails, have been the equivalent of nearly 25 hours of conversation. I say this so you know that some of the things discussed in this session are said in the context of established friendship. Once the relationship is more established you can deal more with the real idolatry of the heart, which I chose to do in this session.
- Names and situations have been changed in this study to flatten it out in order to serve my friend.
- This session was done with a counselor-in-training sitting in. My CIT took the notes, wrote this summary and emailed it to all three of us.
- Lastly, what made this session successful was the humility and repentance of my friend. Without God’s grace intervening there would be no “success” in counseling. My friend is walking in God’s grace, which is modeled by Cheryl’s humility and on-going repentance.
SESSION NOTES
Cheryl you recapped some of what has been happening in your life since the last meeting and after describing some of the events of the last couple weeks, you asked Rick, “What do you think is the weirdest part of what I did?”
Rick responded that your behavior seemed erratic and then he drew a zig-zag diagram, up and down on the page (good to bad, bad back to good) reflecting your behavior. When he asked you why that might be, you responded that you are often unsure what to think or how to respond to people.
After exploring your response, Rick asked if you struggle more with guilt or fear and then spent the rest of the session explaining a biblical view of guilt based on your answer.
GUILT
The Bible gives us an accurate picture of how to live. And when we live within what the Bible teaches, we do not experience guilt. However, if we don’t live within this teaching, we do experience guilt.
Your understanding, Cheryl, of right and wrong is much different than what the Bible teaches. In fact, you place burdens on yourself that are beyond what the Bible would teach as right and wrong. Therefore, you have a lot of unnecessary guilt.
Rick drew another diagram on a piece of paper of a lot of rocks and called them your guilt rocks. Some of these “rocks” are God, Friends, Children, Extended Family, Rick, Me, People in Church, Co-Workers and more. Rick drew them looking like rocks to show that they are heavy, like rocks, and weigh you down. Ultimately this can cause depression, which is a definition of depression and something you mentioned you struggle with.
He explained that these “rocks” become your authorities. Their voices tell you when you’re doing right or wrong from their perspective, and guilt is produced depending on what they tell you. Because you are controlled by these voices, you live in guilt that is not legitimate, causing you to be insecure (Fear of man) and further causing your behavior to be erratic, depending on their approval or disapproval of you.
You are like a pinball that moves and responds according to who is blaming you, telling you how you should do and the like.
The solution to illegitimate guilt is to listen to the one Voice that has all authority, the voice of God. He defines what is right and what is wrong and as your thinking lines up with his, you will be able to discern what you are responsible for and what you’re not responsible for, eliminating your insecurity and your erratic behavior.
INSECURITY
Rick drew another line on a piece of paper. It looked something like this:
INSECURITY —-XX————————————————— GOD.
(You are the big XX’s! And GOD is the goal. There are hindrances that are keeping you from God. Guilt is one of them. Insecurity is another. And Insecurity is a “kissing cousin” to Guilt. They almost always go hand-in-hand.)
James 1:5-6 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.
Insecurity, guilt, fear and doubt are sins that need to be repented of in order to get to God. From here, Rick began to unpack insecurity, which is biblically called Fear of man as seen in Proverbs 29:25.
Insecurity Defined
Placing your faith, hope, confidence, trust, belief in something or someone that CAN be taken away.
There is at least one big thing in your life that you place hope in: A desire to be accepted or not rejected. And you know your friend’s approval can be “taken away.” They can “love” you or “hate” you and that is important to you. So you measure and over-interpret what they say. This creates insecurity and they have ultimate control over you. If they accept you, then you are golden. If they reject you, then you are waffling.
However, your insecurity is not consistent because you are secure in some contexts that you excel in. You are insecure in other contexts that are new or you don’t excel in. An example of one you excel in and are therefore “secure” is in your work. You are insecure with people “out of your class” or who you think have it more together or are more spiritual.
The common denominator and focus of your confidence (or faith) in each of these contexts is yourself. What you can do or what you can’t do. Because your confidence is in yourself, it is a sin. This is self-centered as opposed to God-centered thinking and living. This is a specific thing to repent of. As long as your confidence is in yourself you are going to be insecure, because ultimately security in yourself is a mirage as well as illogical.
SECURITY
Security Defined
Placing your faith, hope, confidence, trust, belief in something or someone that CANNOT be taken away. And there are only two things that can never be taken away:
- The Written Logos, God’s Word
- The Living Logos, God Himself
In new situations you will always be concerned that you might not get it right. The answer is to put your confidence (security) in something or Someone that CANNOT be taken away and then it doesn’t matter if you mess up.
Security Illustrated
Then we looked at Matthew 14:29-31, the story of Jesus calling Peter out of the boat to walk on the windy water. His command to Peter was one word: “Come.” No explanation and not a lot of information. Just “Come.”
You are secure in your boat but God is calling you to have faith in him and to walk out onto the water. You must trust that when you start to sink (and you will in your own strength) you will cry out to him and he will IMMEDIATELY come to your aid.
“Peter cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’ Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him.”
This story is not about Peter or about Peter’s faith. It is about God and his goodness. His reputation was on the line.
Psalm 23:3, “…He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”
God takes care of us to make his name great, not ours. And when he helps us, we magnify his name. Our responsibility is to trust in him, watch him work in our lives and then praise him for what he has done. To trust in self is to put ourselves in direct opposition to God. He is a jealous God and will not allow his children to set-up other objects, concepts, people, or even ourselves as the primary thing we trust in.
This begs the question(s): Is God good? Will he save me? Will he take care of me? Can I trust him? Is he trustworthy?
Here is your answer: God is good.
How do we know this? There is one necessary place to look. It’s the Cross of Christ. This is the centerpiece of the Gospel. And the Gospel informs and proves God’s goodness forevermore. As you grow in your understanding of his goodness as understood through the Gospel, then you will grow more secure in Him.
Over the next few sessions we will unpack the Gospel as it pertains to salvation and all of life. The Gospel is more than just salvation. The Gospel is sustaining for all of life. And the more you grow in your understanding of who God is, as we view him through the lens of the Cross, the more you will find this to be true and that he is the only one you can rest in.
You can totally fling yourself on God. And through this on-going understanding of God, you will also grow in your ability to listen to his authoritative voice and not be swayed by what others say.
I know this is long! But it was a three-hour session and I took very detailed notes! I pray they are helpful to you.
Related articles
- A Note From a Reader
- A Counseling Case Report Form turned in by a Counselor-in-Training
- Post-Counseling Follow-Up Email, After the Counseling Session
- Actual Notes from a Counseling Session
