Many years ago an elderly lady in our church approached me about a complaint she had with a friend of hers. Her friend was an “irritant” and she wanted me to do something about it. Though I do not remember who this lady was or exactly what her complaint was, I’ll never forget her reaction when I told her that in the spirit of Matthew 18:15-18, she needs to go and confront her friend.
Let’s just say my dear friend was terrified. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped slightly and she whispered something to the effect of “I can’t do that.” The thought of confronting another person about their sin is one of the more difficult things for Christians to do.
After all these years of bringing negative observations into people’s lives as a counselor, I still struggle with this obligation to others and obedience before God. As I told my dear friend, this is not so much about bringing correction to your friend as it is about honoring your heavenly Father. As Mordecai told his cousin Esther,
And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this? -Esther 4:14 (ESV)
Though Esther was not bringing critique to the king, she did need to “step up to the plate” and honor God in a very difficult situation by saying some hard things. I have made a strong argument throughout this series that God uses the context of community to help us grow in our sanctification. And because of the inevitableness of saved sinners, sinning against one another, there will always be opportunities to honor God by carefully and lovingly confronting others.
A few days later my dear friend came back beaming. She obeyed the “go” imperative of Matthew 18 and God surprised her with grace and a restored friendship. Those two old ladies remained friends and deepened their affection and care for each other.
Confrontational Tips
The following are a few good tips that will serve you as you seek to serve your friends:
Affection – you should not confront a person who you do not have affection for. If I confront a person who I do not “carry in my heart,” there is a good possibility that I will not confront them carefully or lovingly. Read 1 Corinthians 1:1-9 and note the affection that Paul had for the Corinthian church, prior to his confrontational letter to them. As you read the text, you will see and feel the affection this man had for the Corinthians. He genuinely loved them. My elderly lady friend loved her friend. This was one of the reasons it went so well. Be very careful about confronting folks that you do not have affection for.
Thanksgiving – Paul said that he spent time before God, thanking God for the Corinthians. (1 Corinthians 1:4). Are you thankful for the person you are about to correct? Does the person know you are thankful to God for them? Gratitude to God for the person you are about to correct will make a huge difference regarding how you correct them. And the person you correct will be able to discern your gratitude for them as they experience your love and care of them by your correction.
Patience – the Gospel informs us that God was very patient with us as it pertained to how and when we changed.
When we finally learn something after years of trying we can easily be tempted to impose our own unrealistic self-righteous timetable on others in order to change them. – C. J. Mahaney
Typically when I am impatient with an individual it is because I’m asking them to change in an area that I have somewhat mastered. However, I typically do not think about or let them know that I may have spent 5, 10, or 15 years growing in and applying grace to that particular situation. When this kind of self-righteousness grips my soul, I have to preach the Gospel to myself by reminding myself how patient God is with me.
Encouragement – always begin your time of correction by encouraging the person you are about to correct. Most assuredly they have done something right. Right? Even Paul was able to encourage the Corinthians! Identify evidences of God’s gracious activity in their lives and let them know about it. Are the people you generally correct more aware of your correction or your encouragement? The Lord loves the people he corrects. He corrects in a context of grace and love. What is the primary context in which you correct people? (See Hebrews 12:6)
Think the best - in Philippians 1:6 we learn that God will complete what he began in all Christians. God is a finisher! Are you more prone to be discouraged or complain about an unchanging Christian or are you more prone to rest and trust in God to finish what he has begun? In the heat of the moment it is imperative that we preach the Gospel to ourselves. It may seem bleak and they may be irritating, and change seems such a long way off, but God is a finisher. Can you rest and trust in his good work in the life of the person you are correcting?
In This Series
- The Art & Care of Correction: all in the family – 1.0
- The Art & Care of Correction: embracing conflict – 2.0
- The Art & Care of Correction: confronting others – 3.0
- The Art & Care of Correction: confessing your sins – 4.0
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