Many years ago an elderly lady in our church approached me about a complaint she had with a friend of hers. Her friend was an “irritant” and she wanted me to do something about it. Though I do not remember who this lady was or exactly what her complaint was, I’ll never forget her reaction when I told her that in the spirit of Matthew 18:15-18, she needs to go and confront her friend.

Let’s just say my dear friend was terrified. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped slightly and she whispered something to the effect of “I can’t do that.” The thought of confronting another person about their sin is one of the more difficult things for Christians to do.

After all these years of bringing negative observations into people’s lives as a counselor, I still struggle with this obligation to others and obedience before God. As I told my dear friend, this is not so much about bringing correction to your friend as it is about honoring your heavenly Father. As Mordecai told his cousin Esther,

And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this? -Esther 4:14 (ESV)

Though Esther was not bringing critique to the king, she did need to “step up to the plate” and honor God in a very difficult situation by saying some hard things. I have made a strong argument throughout this series that God uses the context of community to help us grow in our sanctification. And because of the inevitableness of saved sinners, sinning against one another, there will always be opportunities to honor God by carefully and lovingly confronting others.

A few days later my dear friend came back beaming. She obeyed the “go” imperative of Matthew 18 and God surprised her with grace and a restored friendship. Those two old ladies remained friends and deepened their affection and care for each other.

Confrontational Tips

The following are a few good tips that will serve you as you seek to serve your friends:

Affection – you should not confront a person who you do not have affection for. If I confront a person who I do not “carry in my heart,” there is a good possibility that I will not confront them carefully or lovingly. Read 1 Corinthians 1:1-9 and note the affection that Paul had for the Corinthian church, prior to his confrontational letter to them. As you read the text, you will see and feel the affection this man had for the Corinthians. He genuinely loved them. My elderly lady friend loved her friend. This was one of the reasons it went so well. Be very careful about confronting folks that you do not have affection for.

Thanksgiving – Paul said that he spent time before God, thanking God for the Corinthians. (1 Corinthians 1:4). Are you thankful for the person you are about to correct? Does the person know you are thankful to God for them? Gratitude to God for the person you are about to correct will make a huge difference regarding how you correct them. And the person you correct will be able to discern your gratitude for them as they experience your love and care of them by your correction.

Patience – the Gospel informs us that God was very patient with us as it pertained to how and when we changed.

When we finally learn something after years of trying we can easily be tempted to impose our own unrealistic self-righteous timetable on others in order to change them. – C. J. Mahaney

Typically when I am impatient with an individual it is because I’m asking them to change in an area that I have somewhat mastered. However, I typically do not think about or let them know that I may have spent 5, 10, or 15 years growing in and applying grace to that particular situation. When this kind of self-righteousness grips my soul, I have to preach the Gospel to myself by reminding myself how patient God is with me.

Encouragement – always begin your time of correction by encouraging the person you are about to correct. Most assuredly they have done something right. Right? Even Paul was able to encourage the Corinthians! Identify evidences of God’s gracious activity in their lives and let them know about it. Are the people you generally correct more aware of your correction or your encouragement? The Lord loves the people he corrects. He corrects in a context of grace and love. What is the primary context in which you correct people? (See Hebrews 12:6)

Think the best - in Philippians 1:6 we learn that God will complete what he began in all Christians. God is a finisher! Are you more prone to be discouraged or complain about an unchanging Christian or are you more prone to rest and trust in God to finish what he has begun? In the heat of the moment it is imperative that we preach the Gospel to ourselves. It may seem bleak and they may be irritating, and change seems such a long way off, but God is a finisher. Can you rest and trust in his good work in the life of the person you are correcting?

In This Series

• The Art & Care of Correction: all in the family – 1.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: embracing conflict – 2.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confronting others – 3.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confessing your sins – 4.0

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1. The Bad News: we are sinners who live and sin alongside other sinners in a fallen world.
2. The Good News: the gospel is the perfect solution for sinners who sin in a fallen world.

I realize this will not surprise most of you to hear this, but I will say it anyway: we are not in heaven yet! The implication is that when God saved you (assuming you are a Christian), you were not entirely sanctified. You have not reached perfection. From a Christian worldview, we understand complete sanctification to happen only when we reach heaven.

The sobering reality for all of us is that the time between God saving us and God bringing us to our eternal home is a “getting progressively sanctified kind of life.” With that in mind, there are at least two ways we can respond to the doctrine of sin as it intersects with the doctrine of man in this life:

1. We can deny that sin exist in our lives.
2. We can embrace this sobering reality by aggressively fighting sin in the context of friends who are trying to do the same for the glory of God.

Deniers, Avoiders, and the Fearful

Occasionally you will hear someone say the Gospel is for our salvation and the Gospel is for our sanctification. I firmly believe this statement is true and would further assert that this statement is necessary for any Christian to live wonderfully and victoriously in this life. However, when I or anyone else says the Gospel is for our salvation and the Gospel is for our sanctification, there is an unspoken and undeniable implication that sin is involved in some way.

The Gospel means there is sin. If there were no sin then there would be no need for the Gospel. The introduction of the Gospel (Christ) came after sin entered the world. (See Genesis 3:15) If Adam had not fallen in the Garden of Eden, he and we would not need a redeemer. But we do need a Redeemer and He (Christ) implies sin and sin implies Him (the Gospel).

Most people understand and readily accept this truth when it comes to their salvation. They know they need to be saved from their sin. However, where the rub generally comes into play is how we think and live in-between the time God regenerated us and the time he takes us to heaven. My response to this concern is revealed in the statement, “The Gospel saves us (redemption) and the Gospel sustains us (sanctification).” We never come to a place in our lives, pre or post salvation where we do not need the Gospel.

Therefore, the implication is the same: I need the Gospel to fight sin! Whether I need to be saved or sustained, I need the Gospel. Over the years I have run into three general categories of people who struggle with the “sin is present with us” idea:

The Deniers - this group of sincere Christians simply say that sin does not exist once you become a Christian. They say, “I am dead to sin.” This is a gross misinterpretation of Scripture and is a product of legalism. Legalists try very hard to separate themselves from sin. They misinterpret John’s understanding of worldliness by teaching that worldliness is in the world as opposed to being in the person. John placed worldliness in the heart. You can read more on this in my article Where in the World is Worldliness.

In order for the “deniers” to be true to their theology, they have to do a lot of ignoring or re-catergorizing or justifying their sin. It is not a tenable position and it leads to personal frustration and relational conflict.

The Avoiders – this group puts their fingers in their ears and screams, “Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-” ad infinitum. They are sincere and really want to live for Christ just like the deniers want to live for Christ. Sadly, they are stricken with the same…dare I say it…put your fingers in your ears…SIN!!! There! I said it. If you say you have no sin, you make God a liar and the truth is not in you. (Those are John’s words to Christians in 1 John 1:8. not mine.)

In order to be an avoider you, too, have to re-categorize, ignore, and rationalize your sin away. The avoiders generally go from conflict to conflict, rarely ever resolving their conflicts.

The Fearful – this group knows they sin, but they try very hard to ignore it because they don’t want to be found out for who they really are. Transparency is a frightful proposition for them. To be open and honest about their most personal struggles is not a “best case scenario” to them. This is also called self-righteousness.

Many times these people come from discouraging and condemning situations. For example they may have had harsh dads or they were part of a legalistic religious culture. They run to grace, but over-react by denying the truthfulness of their sinfulness. They honestly can’t juxtapose sin and grace the way Paul did. (See 1 Timothy 1:15-16)

To ignore sin is to neutralize the Gospel

To avoid, deny, or respond fearfully to the real and objective sin in your post-salvation experience, is to mock and devalue the Gospel. To say you have no sin is to say you have no need for the Gospel. This is a dangerous and heretical position for any believer or unbeliever to take.

If an unbeliever did not believe in sin, he would have no need for the Gospel. Jesus did not come for the “healthy.” He came for the sick. If the believer did not believe that he sins, then he, too, would not need the Gospel. And this brings us to the value and beauty of small groups for those of us who sin. Sanctification is a community event, a shared life between fellow sinners who have been saved by the grace of God. A small group which embraces the reality of sin and the potential of conflict will position itself to be able to resolve its conflicts in ways that glorify God.

Reflective Questions to Ponder

1. Do you sin?
2. Do you believe you need others to help you walk through your sin?
3. Do you believe others need you so you can help them walk through their sin?
4. If you said “yes” to the three questions above, then how are you setting the example by personally confessing your sin to others as well as others knowing and experiencing your care for them when they sin? See 1 John 1:9 & James 5:16.

In This Series

• The Art & Care of Correction: all in the family – 1.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: embracing conflict – 2.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confronting others – 3.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confessing your sins – 4.0

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Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

I’m thinking that people will never come to the place where they will stop being disagreeable with each other. Lucia has come to realize that after many years of living with me, that we will not be able to always agree. We both came to terms with this many years ago. Because of this realization, we have made allowances for certain fights in our home to continue unresolved.

A Tolerable Fight Plan

Fight #1 – Who is the biggest sinner in our home - Paul died. Therefore, his chief or foremost sinner seat was vacated. I concluded many years ago that I was the biggest sinner in our home. However, when I bring this up to Lucia, she argues the point. She believes she is a bigger sinner than I am.

We have talked about this over the years and cannot seem to come to a resolution. We’ve had others speak into our conflict, but they have not been helpful in reconciling the matter. I say it is me; she says it is her. Now that our children are getting older, they are weighing in on the argument by insisting that they are bigger sinners than either one of us. Sometimes it can be frustrating. Everybody has an opinion and they all are different.

Just the other night I asked my family, “Who’s the biggest sinner in our home?” Lucia said she was. Tristen, my 8-year old, said that she was. Haydn, my 6-year old, had no comment. While Ansa Katherine, my 4-year old, said, “Daddy, I’m the littlest sinner in our home.”

We have agreed to disagree. That is all I can say about it. The good news is that sometimes it is difficult to get in other fights that we are tempted to fight about, because when we all assume the role of the chief sinner, it is hard to accuse, think the worst, offend, or generally dislike the other person.

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little. -The Savior, Luke 7:47 (ESV)

Fight #2 – You are not allowed to “out-serve” the other person – You’ve probably heard of “one-upmanship.” What we have in our home is more like “one-downmanship.” We call it a “race to the bottom.” An example of this was 1998 when I made my first trip to California, while I was working on my MA in counseling.

Lucia called the head of administration for my program in Cali, without my knowledge, to set-up a surprise for me. She found out where I would be staying and made arrangements with the administrator to have a package delivered to me that contained all my favorite snacks. Lucia prepared and fully-supplied me with an abundance of munchies.

Lucia modeled the Gospel: she predetermined to lavish blessing on me. She did the hard work of preparing the things I liked. She shipped them to California without my awareness. She connected with someone at my school to make sure I received the package. The administrator came to a room full of college students and asked, “Is there a Rick Thomas here?” I asked what was up and she said there was a package for me. I thought it quite odd, since no one other than my wife, knew I was there. I was stunned by her love.

The only negative in that situation was that I was not in a place where I could “out-serve” her. She beat me to the punch. According to house rules, “out-serving” is not tolerated. I am not in our marriage to be served, but to serve. Therefore, I could not let her act of kindness go without a proper response.

For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. -The Savior, Mark 10:45 (ESV)

Sometimes I win. Other times, she wins. Neither one of us are comfortable letting the other person out-serve the other. It’s a tolerable tension.

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Earlier this week I posted the christianaudio free download of the month. It was Mark Driscoll’s Religion Saves audiobook. After the post went up on my public website and the link went out through my various social media sites, I lost a few “Friends” or “Followers” or “Fans” on these various networks. (For those of you not familiar with these terms, they are the terms the social media sites use to describe those who view the sites. They are not the terms I would use.)

One Christian, after receiving the free audiobook offer, said, “I have lost respect for you” because of my choice to help distribute this book for christianaudio. He also said he had lost respect for John Piper because of his association with Mark Driscoll.

Big, Stunning and Divine Activity on the Behalf of Another

Quite frankly, I was surprised and saddened by this kind of response. What I know about Mark Driscoll is that he is my brother. He is one of the Father’s kids. God, in eternity past, decided Mark would be his kid. The Father chose to grant Mark faith to trust him and at some point in Mark’s life, God regenerated him.

The Father executed his Son in order to save Mark. Christ chose to give his life up so Mark could be rescued. It seems to me that if the Father and Son would go to that length in order to secure Mark’s soul for eternity, that it would not be wise for me to have such an attitude toward him.

What If Someone Treated Your Boy That Way?

If someone thought similarly about my son I, as my son’s father, would be grieved. God chose to adopt Mark Driscoll. I might not approve of Mark’s style. I might not approve of some of his secondary doctrines. But I do believe he is the Father’s kid. And for that I can rejoice. I can also rejoice in that he seems to not only understand the Gospel, but presents it clearly.

Isn’t this what Paul said about his brothers whom he did not perfectly align with?

Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former proclaim Christ out of rivalry, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice. Paul, Philippians 1:15-18

For the record

I podcasted Mark for over a year because he was a very popular Christian pastor, speaker, and author. Because of my desire to serve my friends, I wanted to know what this guy believed. Though his style is not my style. Though he has an integrated view of sanctification, as it pertains to biblical counseling. Though he is often harsh and crude regarding his presentation style. Mark Driscoll believes in and teaches a pure Gospel: I can rejoice in this.

I was podcasting him when he went through the lectures that are in the christianaudio book offer. I thought the material was good and would serve my friends and network. Needless to say, I was taken aback when I received such a response toward me because of my desire to promote the Gospel through one of the Father’s kids, who does things a bit differently than I do.

I have been encouraged over the years to see people like John Piper, John MacArthur, and C. J. Mahaney seek to serve Mark Driscoll by being his friend. It further encourages me to see a staunch cessationist like MacArthur come alongside a dedicated continuationist like Mahaney. But I reserve my greatest gratitude for my Savior, who daily exercises patience toward me as I work out my own doctrinal weaknesses and stylistic quirks.

Christ will never “Un-friend” me or disrespect me because of who I hang with. The Savior has insight, patience, and discernment for those who do not perfectly line-up with him. He also understands: In his day, the religious had big-time problems with those he hung with.

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