• Bob sinned against Sue.
• Sue was hurt.
• Bob asked Sue to forgive him.
• Sue forgave Bob.
• They were reconciled…

But Not Really…

Though Sue forgave Bob she neglected to tell him that she was sinning against him because of what he did to her. She was hurt, but she also became angry at him for what he did. Though she understood that it is never right to sin in response to being sinned against, she did sin against Bob as a response to his sin. Sadly, she chose not to tell Bob about her sin against him.

Have you ever responded sinfully to someone who sinned against you? Through the years I have done this many times. Did you repent of your sin against the person who sinned against you? That is what I mean by double confession: (1) The one who sinned against you confesses and repents of his sin; (2) and you confess and repent of your sin against him. It’s a double confession.

Because we all are fallen people, living in a fallen world “double sinning” happens more often than you might think. A husband, for example, can be harsh or unkind toward his wife. The wife is truly hurt by his immaturity and harshness. But rather than completely working through all the ramifications of the sin, she begins to harbor anger in her heart toward her husband. The husband may confess his sin, but she never confesses her sin. In such cases, they are not truly reconciled. There is an “unresolved fracture” in the relationship that happens because she either dismisses, justifies, or ignores her sinful response to him.

But sin is sin and there is only one right response to sin: confess, repent, and reconcile. A mature and humble wife will let her husband know how she has sinned against him and will seek his forgiveness. This kind of attitude and response removes all hindrances in the relationship and they now have the possibility of enjoying the unencumbered fullness of what a “one flesh” union was meant to be.

Husbands, you can be a helper to your wife:

The wives I have talked to over the years have told me that it is easier for them to harbor their sin against their husbands because it is the path of least resistance. They have shared about how their husbands have been brutish and insensitive and, therefore, they don’t feel the liberty to discuss their sin against their husbands out of fear that they might retaliate in some way. This is a real fear. Here are two things a smart, wise, and mature husband could do to serve his wife in this area of fear:

1. Create a context of grace - Dear husband, you could go a long way in releasing your wife from her fear of you by creating a context of grace in your home. If you would encourage her from time to time, as well as invite her to bring critique into your life, you would make it easy for her to serve you. And after she brings her critique, you should encourage and express your gratitude to her for her care and affection for you. Your wife married you because she loves you. Treat her well. Be humble enough to let her help you with your deficiencies. She can be a helper to you if you would let her. (Genesis 2:18) Be kind to her.
2. Carefully draw her out after you repent - Understand your wife. (1 Peter 3:7) It is not unusual for any person to sin in response to sin. Many times you may discern that your wife has sinned in response to your sin. It’s how you respond, right? Love them enough to ask probing questions. Humbly draw them out regarding how they responded to your sin. While remembering you have a log in your eye, carefully ask if there is a speck in her eye. The context of grace that you have created will free her to be honest and transparent with you.

What if my husband does not repent of his sin?

Sadly, too many of our “Christian homes” are not confessing and repenting homes. The first five years of our marriage I never confessed any sin to my wife. Remarkably, it did not really occur to me. It was only when I was re-introduced to the Gospel did I realize, as the Gospel implies, that I’m a desperate, fallen man in need of God’s mercy on a daily basis. As God began to humble my self-righteous self, I began to see more clearly how I interrelated with others, especially my wife.

Today, our home is a joy-filled, encouraging, confessing, repenting home for the glory of God! But all homes are not this way and, in too many situations, the wife is willing to follow the humble leadership of her husband, but he does not lead biblically. I have written in other places how to respond to someone who refuses to repent, but suffice it to say here that 1 Peter 3:1-6 provides and excellent template for how a wife should respond to her unrepentant husband.

Reflective thoughts and probing questions:

1. This post is for any relationship, not just husbands and wives. When was the last time you confessed your sin to the person who sinned against you?
2. Are you more prone to focus on what was done to you or what you have done to Christ? Which are you generally more aware of?
3. Moms are regularly tempted to sin against their children when their children are not performing in a way the mom expects or desires. Mom, how often do you ask your children to forgive you for a specific sin that you sinned against them after you have responded to their sin in a sinful way?

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What are you more aware of when you think about correcting another person? Are you more aware of your sin or their sin? How you answer this question will have a real and practical effect on the person you are correcting.

Christ made an appeal in Matthew 7:3-5 that when it comes to addressing the sin of others it is essential that you approach them with the awareness that there is a log in your eye and a speck in their eye. He could not be more clear:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, Let me take the speck out of your eye, when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. – The Savior, (ESV)

All Correction is Speck Fishing

Anytime you are confronting and correcting an individual you are addressing a speck, not a log. And trust me, this is so easy to forget. Paul seemed to never forget who was the worst sinner he knew. (See 1 Timothy 1:15) Though he did not grovel in what he was, he never wanted to forget what he was. This is counter-intuitive thinking for the self-righteous Christian and the self-esteem advocates of our world.

But for Paul it was a healthy way to think about himself and others. This theological point was a key component when it came to correcting others. Rarely was he harsh or unkind or uncharitable to anyone. He was acutely aware of who the biggest sinner was.

I have asked many counselees over the years this question: “Who do you think is the biggest or worst sinner in the office right now, from my perspective?” I know that the correct answer to that question will guard my heart regarding how I think about myself and them. It will also mitigate temptations to sin through unkindness, harshness, uncharitable judgments, condescension, impatience, and general rudeness.

BTW, I have committed all of these sins with many people God has called me to serve through the years. I say this to my shame. And every time I sin in any of these ways it is because I get the log/speak dynamic turned around. The way I preach the Gospel to myself in order to adjust my heart rightly before I bring correction to another is by telling them the following:

I do not know what all you have done, but this is what I have done: I put Christ on the cross. And no matter what you have done, you have not done anything that comes remotely close to that sin which I have committed. (Remember, I am sharing this from my perspective, not theirs. If they are humble, they will want to argue the point and say that they are a worst sinner than I am. That is a healthy argument for two Christians to have.)

Let’s Get Practical!

Here are four tips that will serve you well if you make them part of how you correct others…

Examine Your Heart - make sure your motives are right. As noted in yesterday’s post it is essential that you have their best interests in mind, rather than your own. If you are not other-centered in your correction then you can pretty much be assured your correction will not go well for you or the person you are correcting.

Assume You Missed Something – we’re not omniscient. There have been too many times in my life when I assumed I had all the data needed to correct someone, only to find out after I corrected them that I did not know the whole truth. It happens more often than you might think. You and I are not God. Go ahead and assume you don’t know everything there is to know about the situation.

Ask Questions – if you assume you don’t have all the data, then you’ll more than likely ask the other person questions, rather than make statements. A wise man will ask questions rather than assume he already knows everything when correcting someone. Here are some sample questions:

• This is what I heard you say. Is that correct?
• This is what I heard. Tell me what I am missing?
• You know that I can miss things from time to time. Will you help me fill in the blanks so I can understand better?
• The other day I heard you say _________ and it sounded a bit harsh from my perspective, but I probably misunderstood. Can you help me with this? What am I missing?

All of the questions above approach the person with the “log in your eye” rather than telling him he has the log in his eye.

Confess your sins – a person who is humble enough to share their sinfulness with another person is releasing the other person from the fear of transparency. Once he knows you struggle, then he will be more than likely willing to let you know how he struggles. It is hard to confess your sins to a perfect person, unless that person is Christ. Let him know, with specificity, how you are flawed and watch him relax and open up right before your eyes.

If you plan to correct others, with the hope they will listen to your correction and respond by confessing their sin, then model it for them. Let them see you do what you want them to do.

In This Series

• The Art & Care of Correction: all in the family – 1.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: embracing conflict – 2.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confronting others – 3.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confessing your sins – 4.0

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George came in for counseling because his wife caught him looking at porn on the Internet. Initially George denied that he was looking at porn, though the history record on his computer revealed hundreds of porn links. George and Shari live alone and no one but George accesses his desktop computer.

After a conversation with their pastor, George admitted he had been looking at porn, but quickly inserted that he had only looked a few times in the past six months and that he could control it most of the time. He said he just slipped up due to pressures at work.

What George did not know is that Shari found out a couple of years ago about his addiction and had put accountability software on the two computers in the home. The pastor asked George and Shari to see you for on-going care and accountability through counseling.

During the counseling, George shared with you the same story he told his pastor. At that point, Shari pulled out a stack of history reports that showed a sordid Internet history over the past two years. George looked dumbfounded.

Application Questions

1. What would be your concerns about George and how would you work through them?
2. What potential concerns would you have for Shari and how would you counsel her?
3. Name three possible heart issues that could be going on with George. Why did you name these?

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The general rule-of-thumb is that the sphere of confession should be as big as the sphere of sin. This means you confess your sin to those you have sinned against, but not to those you have not sinned against.

Father First; People Second

As you know, all sin is a sin against God, hence all sin is confessed to God. Before you confess your sin to others, you go to your Father. The first order of business, regarding repentance, is to make things right with God. This, unfortunately, is forgotten more often than you might think.

For example, many times when we sin against another, we may be quick to apologize, repent, or confess to the human we offended, but we never go back and reconcile the relationship with God. We apologize to others, but we do not take the time to confess our sin to God.

All confession of sin begins at the throne of God. He is the one always sinned against when sin happens. However, at times we may also sin against others in addition to our heavenly Father. Remember, the sphere of confession is as large as the sphere of offense. If you have sinned against others, in addition to God, you should go to them to seek their forgiveness.

What About Private Sins?

Though you may not have sinned against another person, it is wise to let at least one other person into your secret temptations and sins. One of the main temptations with sin is to hide it or cover it up. Letting others into your world, though you have not sinned against them, is wise. It is unwise to blabber your sin issues to anyone and everyone, but it is just as unwise to keep your struggles completely to yourself.

Typically, the person with whom you share your temptations should be your spouse. Your spouse should be your best friend. If your spouse is not your best friend, you need to do some work on your marriage, so that he/she becomes your best friend.

Caveat – Though it is wise to share your temptations with your spouse, it is not wise to share the specifics of your temptations, particularly if it is in the area of lust. For example, a man’s wife should know that he is tempted toward lust, but it would not be wise to reveal to her every specific temptation with which he is struggling.

My wife is well aware that I am tempted to lust. Her awareness and grace-filled, God-centeredness helps to guard my heart. She knows that God has wired me to be attracted by the physicality of a woman. She also has a robust understanding of the doctrine of sin and, therefore, knows that sin has distorted this good thing that God has done for men.

My wife, fortunately, is grounded in God, and her temptations toward fear and jealousy are brought under the power, submission, and grace of God. This is huge and makes it easier for me to share when there are inappropriate situations.

There have been many situations where we have been with other women who revealed their cleavage and other body parts. The grace of God is so active in my wife’s life that I can talk to her about this. If she does not recognize the problem of immodesty, which is rare, I can talk to her about it. In some of these situations, she has had the opportunity to approach these ladies about their revealing, provocative, and/or inappropriate dress.

I thank God that I can not only go to my wife with my private struggles, but also that she is grace-filled enough to understand it and can truly complement her husband.

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The saying is “too little, too late.” If there were ever a true saying to apply to counseling, then this is it. Inevitably when I get the call or the email there has been so much trouble, pain, disappointment and anger accumulated, that it is nearly impossible for any counselor to sufficiently serve the person or couple through their trouble.

But I understand the temptation. It is very hard for me to tell my friends how I have sinned and where I have failed … again. It is not native within me to live in this kind of transparency. When Adam sinned he headed off to the bushes to find cover and hide. And even when he was confronted, he tried to side-step the issue by blaming his new, best friend.

How awful is that?

But I am like Adam. I want to live in the shadows, lurking behind the trees, sorta kinda being honest with myself and my friends. And unfortunately, in some cases things have to collapse in on me to draw me out into the light.

I get it.

• Do you have someone that you can tell your dirty little secrets to?
• How big is the gap between the person you know yourself to be and the highly edited version you present to your adoring public, hoping they will accept your presentation?

If you do not have someone you can trust to carry your most shameful temptations and failures, then let me encourage you to give me a call.

Let’s talk!

You need this for your spiritual life as much as you need air for your physical life.

Articles in this series

• Future Sin
• Cheer Up: You Were Worse Than You Remember
• Closing the Gap on Who I Really Am and the Person I Present Myself to Be
• Confession of an Impostor, Part One
• Confession of an Impostor, Part Two
• Confession of an Impostor, Part Three

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Here is a counseling tip for you: A humble counselee will confess more information than what you already know.

I’ve found a recurring theme in counseling over the years with counselees who are serious about changing their lives. They not only tell me what I know, but they humble themselves and tell me things that I do not know, even the embarrassing things. This is a wonderful thing.

Conversely I’ve had counselees who only tell me what I already know about them, but nothing more. They don’t tell me what I don’t know. Inevitably, as time goes by, I end up finding out additional information about them. When I bring this new information to their attention they may agree and even confess it, but they do not tell me anything more than what has been exposed.

Their confession of sin never outdistances what is already known by the counselor.

It would be far better for the individual to “give it up” so to speak right from the initial session. From a counselor’s perspective there can be so much time invested digging around to find out things that should have been communicated (Read: confessed) from the beginning.

It does make you wonder why they come for counseling in the first place if they are not going to be forthcoming.

Suppose I go to the hospital with a severe bleeding problem and the doctor asks me what is wrong. I tell him that I am bleeding out of my mouth. Of course he knows this because it is evident. But I choose not to tell him I have this habit of chewing razor blades. It would be odd not to tell him this important piece of information, especially in light of his potential ability to help me.

It would be far better to give the whole scoop. “Hey doc, I’m like the world’s biggest knucklehead. I like chewing on razor blades. And now I’m bleeding out of my mouth. Can you help me?”

This extra piece of information would be wonderful.

Listen to your counselees. Do they confess more than what you know? Or do you have to poke, prod and pull teeth to get them to tell the truth, the whole truth? The heart attitude of the people you serve will give you an indication of how the counseling may go.

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It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing.

Frederick Buechner from Telling Secrets, P. 3.

Thoughts on How to Build Relationally with Others

1. Fellowship! What is Missing in Most Local Churches – 6.0
2. Thoughts on Pursuing Others Relationally – 6.1

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