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Case Study: His Confession Was Not Greater Than His Exposure

Case Study: His Confession Was Not Greater Than His Exposure

George came in for counseling because his wife caught him looking at porn on the Internet. Initially George denied that he was looking at porn, though the history record on his computer revealed hundreds of porn links. George and Shari live alone and no one but George accesses his desktop computer.

After a conversation with their pastor, George admitted he had been looking at porn, but quickly inserted that he had only looked a few times in the past six months and that he could control it most of the time. He said he just slipped up due to pressures at work.

What George did not know is that Shari found out a couple of years ago about his addiction and had put accountability software on the two computers in the home. The pastor asked George and Shari to see you for on-going care and accountability through counseling.

During the counseling, George shared with you the same story he told his pastor. At that point, Shari pulled out a stack of history reports that showed a sordid Internet history over the past two years. George looked dumbfounded.

Application Questions

  1. What would be your concerns about George and how would you work through them?
  2. What potential concerns would you have for Shari and how would you counsel her?
  3. Name three possible heart issues that could be going on with George. Why did you name these?

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Past Sins – 3.0 Sphere of Confession; Sphere of Offense

Past Sins – 3.0 Sphere of Confession; Sphere of Offense

The general rule-of-thumb is that the sphere of confession should be as big as the sphere of sin. This means you confess your sin to those you have sinned against, but not to those you have not sinned against.

Father First; People Second

As you know, all sin is a sin against God, hence all sin is confessed to God. Before you confess your sin to others, you go to your Father. The first order of business, regarding repentance, is to make things right with God. This, unfortunately, is forgotten more often than you might think.

For example, many times when we sin against another, we may be quick to apologize, repent, or confess to the human we offended, but we never go back and reconcile the relationship with God. We apologize to others, but we do not take the time to confess our sin to God.

All confession of sin begins at the throne of God. He is the one always sinned against when sin happens. However, at times we may also sin against others in addition to our heavenly Father. Remember, the sphere of confession is as large as the sphere of offense. If you have sinned against others, in addition to God, you should go to them to seek their forgiveness.

What About Private Sins?

Though you may not have sinned against another person, it is wise to let at least one other person into your secret temptations and sins. One of the main temptations with sin is to hide it or cover it up. Letting others into your world, though you have not sinned against them, is wise. It is unwise to blabber your sin issues to anyone and everyone, but it is just as unwise to keep your struggles completely to yourself.

Typically, the person with whom you share your temptations should be your spouse. Your spouse should be your best friend. If your spouse is not your best friend, you need to do some work on your marriage, so that he/she becomes your best friend.

Caveat – Though it is wise to share your temptations with your spouse, it is not wise to share the specifics of your temptations, particularly if it is in the area of lust. For example, a man’s wife should know that he is tempted toward lust, but it would not be wise to reveal to her every specific temptation with which he is struggling.

My wife is well aware that I am tempted to lust. Her awareness and grace-filled, God-centeredness helps to guard my heart. She knows that God has wired me to be attracted by the physicality of a woman. She also has a robust understanding of the doctrine of sin and, therefore, knows that sin has distorted this good thing that God has done for men.

My wife, fortunately, is grounded in God, and her temptations toward fear and jealousy are brought under the power, submission, and grace of God. This is huge and makes it easier for me to share when there are inappropriate situations.

There have been many situations where we have been with other women who revealed their cleavage and other body parts. The grace of God is so active in my wife’s life that I can talk to her about this. If she does not recognize the problem of immodesty, which is rare, I can talk to her about it. In some of these situations, she has had the opportunity to approach these ladies about their revealing, provocative, and/or inappropriate dress.

I thank God that I can not only go to my wife with my private struggles, but also that she is grace-filled enough to understand it and can truly complement her husband.

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If You’re Going to Sin in Six Months, Please Call Me Now

If You’re Going to Sin in Six Months, Please Call Me Now

create-a-goalThe saying is “too little, too late.” If there were ever a true saying to apply to counseling, then this is it. Inevitably when I get the call or the email there has been so much trouble, pain, disappointment and anger accumulated, that it is nearly impossible for any counselor to sufficiently serve the person or couple through their trouble.

But I understand the temptation. It is very hard for me to tell my friends how I have sinned and where I have failed … again. It is not native within me to live in this kind of transparency. When Adam sinned he headed off to the bushes to find cover and hide. And even when he was confronted, he tried to side-step the issue by blaming his new, best friend.

How awful is that?

But I am like Adam. I want to live in the shadows, lurking behind the trees, sorta kinda being honest with myself and my friends. And unfortunately, in some cases things have to collapse in on me to draw me out into the light.

I get it.

  • Do you have someone that you can tell your dirty little secrets to?
  • How big is the gap between the person you know yourself to be and the highly edited version you present to your adoring public, hoping they will accept your presentation?

If you do not have someone you can trust to carry your most shameful temptations and failures, then let me encourage you to give me a call.

Let’s talk!

You need this for your spiritual life as much as you need air for your physical life.

Articles in this series

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I Should Be Confessing More Than What You Already Know

I Should Be Confessing More Than What You Already Know

Kids_Talking2Here is a counseling tip for you: A humble counselee will confess more information than what you already know.

I’ve found a recurring theme in counseling over the years with counselees who are serious about changing their lives. They not only tell me what I know, but they humble themselves and tell me things that I do not know, even the embarrassing things. This is a wonderful thing.

Conversely I’ve had counselees who only tell me what I already know about them, but nothing more. They don’t tell me what I don’t know. Inevitably, as time goes by, I end up finding out additional information about them. When I bring this new information to their attention they may agree and even confess it, but they do not tell me anything more than what has been exposed.

Their confession of sin never outdistances what is already known by the counselor.

It would be far better for the individual to “give it up” so to speak right from the initial session. From a counselor’s perspective there can be so much time invested digging around to find out things that should have been communicated (Read: confessed) from the beginning.

It does make you wonder why they come for counseling in the first place if they are not going to be forthcoming.

Suppose I go to the hospital with a severe bleeding problem and the doctor asks me what is wrong. I tell him that I am bleeding out of my mouth. Of course he knows this because it is evident. But I choose not to tell him I have this habit of chewing razor blades. It would be odd not to tell him this important piece of information, especially in light of his potential ability to help me.

It would be far better to give the whole scoop. “Hey doc, I’m like the world’s biggest knucklehead. I like chewing on razor blades. And now I’m bleeding out of my mouth. Can you help me?”

This extra piece of information would be wonderful.

Listen to your counselees. Do they confess more than what you know? Or do you have to poke, prod and pull teeth to get them to tell the truth, the whole truth? The heart attitude of the people you serve will give you an indication of how the counseling may go.

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It is important you know my dirty little secret.

It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing.

Frederick Buechner from Telling Secrets, P. 3.

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