Bob sinned against Sue.- Sue was hurt.
- Bob asked Sue to forgive him.
- Sue forgave Bob.
- They were reconciled…
But Not Really…
Though Sue forgave Bob she neglected to tell him that she was sinning against him because of what he did to her. She was hurt, but she also became angry at him for what he did. Though she understood that it is never right to sin in response to being sinned against, she did sin against Bob as a response to his sin. Sadly, she chose not to tell Bob about her sin against him.
Have you ever responded sinfully to someone who sinned against you? Through the years I have done this many times. Did you repent of your sin against the person who sinned against you? That is what I mean by double confession: (1) The one who sinned against you confesses and repents of his sin; (2) and you confess and repent of your sin against him. It’s a double confession.
Because we all are fallen people, living in a fallen world “double sinning” happens more often than you might think. A husband, for example, can be harsh or unkind toward his wife. The wife is truly hurt by his immaturity and harshness. But rather than completely working through all the ramifications of the sin, she begins to harbor anger in her heart toward her husband. The husband may confess his sin, but she never confesses her sin. In such cases, they are not truly reconciled. There is an “unresolved fracture” in the relationship that happens because she either dismisses, justifies, or ignores her sinful response to him.
But sin is sin and there is only one right response to sin: confess, repent, and reconcile. A mature and humble wife will let her husband know how she has sinned against him and will seek his forgiveness. This kind of attitude and response removes all hindrances in the relationship and they now have the possibility of enjoying the unencumbered fullness of what a “one flesh” union was meant to be.
Husbands, you can be a helper to your wife:
The wives I have talked to over the years have told me that it is easier for them to harbor their sin against their husbands because it is the path of least resistance. They have shared about how their husbands have been brutish and insensitive and, therefore, they don’t feel the liberty to discuss their sin against their husbands out of fear that they might retaliate in some way. This is a real fear. Here are two things a smart, wise, and mature husband could do to serve his wife in this area of fear:
- Create a context of grace - Dear husband, you could go a long way in releasing your wife from her fear of you by creating a context of grace in your home. If you would encourage her from time to time, as well as invite her to bring critique into your life, you would make it easy for her to serve you. And after she brings her critique, you should encourage and express your gratitude to her for her care and affection for you. Your wife married you because she loves you. Treat her well. Be humble enough to let her help you with your deficiencies. She can be a helper to you if you would let her. (Genesis 2:18) Be kind to her.
- Carefully draw her out after you repent - Understand your wife. (1 Peter 3:7) It is not unusual for any person to sin in response to sin. Many times you may discern that your wife has sinned in response to your sin. It’s how you respond, right? Love them enough to ask probing questions. Humbly draw them out regarding how they responded to your sin. While remembering you have a log in your eye, carefully ask if there is a speck in her eye. The context of grace that you have created will free her to be honest and transparent with you.
What if my husband does not repent of his sin?
Sadly, too many of our “Christian homes” are not confessing and repenting homes. The first five years of our marriage I never confessed any sin to my wife. Remarkably, it did not really occur to me. It was only when I was re-introduced to the Gospel did I realize, as the Gospel implies, that I’m a desperate, fallen man in need of God’s mercy on a daily basis. As God began to humble my self-righteous self, I began to see more clearly how I interrelated with others, especially my wife.
Today, our home is a joy-filled, encouraging, confessing, repenting home for the glory of God! But all homes are not this way and, in too many situations, the wife is willing to follow the humble leadership of her husband, but he does not lead biblically. I have written in other places how to respond to someone who refuses to repent, but suffice it to say here that 1 Peter 3:1-6 provides and excellent template for how a wife should respond to her unrepentant husband.
Reflective thoughts and probing questions:
- This post is for any relationship, not just husbands and wives. When was the last time you confessed your sin to the person who sinned against you?
- Are you more prone to focus on what was done to you or what you have done to Christ? Which are you generally more aware of?
- Moms are regularly tempted to sin against their children when their children are not performing in a way the mom expects or desires. Mom, how often do you ask your children to forgive you for a specific sin that you sinned against them after you have responded to their sin in a sinful way?
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