Recently I posted a Case Study on Honoring Parents When You Are Married. This is a common question that counselors have asked me over the years, hence the recent case study.
In addition to the study, here are some other thoughts to think through regarding honoring your parents after you are married.
The first thing I would recommend is for the children, who are married, to talk about what is going on between them and the parents to make sure both are on the same page. The primary concern, initially, is unity in the marriage before you address how you should honor your parents.
It is important for the younger, married couple to realize that their marriage covenant pre-dates the Law. Genesis 2:24 pre-dates the 10 Commandments in Deuteronomy 5, which speak about honoring. God gave the Law because of our sinfulness. If there were no sin, then this would not be an issue. But because there is sin, God laid down some instructions on how to live.
But before there was sin, God spoke to us about leaving and cleaving. You get a hint about this “pre sin” concept in Mt. 19 when Jesus spoke on divorce. The Law for divorce was given because of hard hearts, he said. But it was not that way in the beginning, as he continued to teach in Mt. 19.
Therefore, there is a stronger case for leaving and cleaving than stretching honor to mean you must always obey your parents regardless of how it impacts your marriage.
After you are married, the husband and wife are subject more to one another than their parents. There are many Scriptures about the couple’s priority to one another, e.g. Ephesians 5:22ff; 1 Peter 3:1ff, etc.
In Ephesians 6 where it talks about “obeying the parents” it is generally understood to mean minors or young children in the home, though I wouldn’t make a strong case for it, but the logic of the text certainly points to that. And to interpret it otherwise would run into conflicting and contradicting passages and our hermeneutic of non-contradiction wouldn’t allow for that.
To honor is a good thing. But one must define what that means. If a mother was demanding time and/or manipulating the daughter for example, then the daughter could not honor her mother any more effectively than to walk her through this non-biblical thinking.
What greater honor can you bestow on me than to help me walk in biblical thinking. We must outdo one another in showing honor and I wouldn’t feel too honored by you if you knew I was thinking wrongly about Scripture or sinning or misapplying Scripture and you didn’t try to help me.
In some situations, if the parents persist in pressuring the children to do more than what Scripture expects, then I would seek, if possible, to get the local church involved. It is a wise and humble person who wants others to speak into their lives. And there is no better context for this than the local church.
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