Back when Lucia and I had a general dislike for each other, we found talking to be a chore, particularly around things that mattered. As I have written in other places, I did muster the courage to shoot the “pink elephant” in the room. I told her that I did not like her, that I did not have a clue about how to lead her, and that I was not real sure I wanted to lead her.

I then asked her and God to forgive me for being such a jerk, and from that ominous beginning we began rebuilding our marriage…again. One of the issues I was confronted with first was the fearful inability of looking her in the eye. I not only did not know how to talk to her, but I didn’t want to look her in the eye.

Functional Catholicism

The reason is that some of the time I tend to act like a “functional Catholic” rather than a Gospel-centered believer. This comes out when I sense the need to pay some kind of penance for my actions because the grace of God through His death on the Cross is not enough for my sin. Therefore, the lingering effects of my sinfulness hovers around my heart and keeps me in this guilty stupor.

This kind of self-righteousness focuses my attention on everything I have done wrong rather than what Christ has done right to free me from my sin. My self-pity and self-righteous anger at myself truncates my leadership in the home. It is in those moments that I need a serious “Gospel-fix.”

Practical Rebuilding

While I’m waiting for my “fix” to kick-in, I’m still unsure how to talk to my wife. So what did we do? We did it in the dark. We found that late at night, while in bed, with the lights off was the easiest time for us to learn how to talk to each other about things that mattered. There was no eye contact, just two selfish people trying to do it in the dark. In time, we learned how to bring our conversation into the light.

God has been remarkably kind to us. We have since become best friends and Lucia is the one person I want to talk to more than any other person. We can do it in the dark and anywhere else for that matter.

If you’re having talk trouble, read these articles and ask God to give you a place to begin…

1. Communication 101 … Talk Trouble
2. Communication and the Universal Mute
3. Communication Inhibitors
4. You Can’t Handle the Truth – Jack Nicholson

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Jayne is the “go to” gal in her church. Everybody likes her and when someone is struggling and in need of a friend, Jayne is the one who gets the call. Seemingly, her children are “part of the furniture” at the church building because they spent a good portion of their lives at the building.

All is well in the world of Jayne. …as long as you don’t look backstage, behind the curtain. There you will find the darker side of Jayne. Should you look behind the curtain, here is some of what you would see.

The Invisible Man

Jayne’s husband is passive and preoccupied. Joe does not lead his family. He and Jayne have been coexisting in their home for nearly 19 years. Joe gave up on the marriage a long time ago. He did make a few feeble attempts to lead his wife when they were first married. But he didn’t know how to lead her and his weak and unwise attempts led to argumentation. In time, Joe checked out of the marriage, though he stayed in the home. His primary role has been to provide for the family, which he does very well. Joe is a good, but lazy man.

Rebels with a Cause

Zachary & Elizabeth have become more than a handful for their parents. During the early years it was easy for Jayne to “handle” them as she performed her myriad of duties for the church. She could easily shuffle them into the children’s ministry while she taught her women’s bible studies, counseled, led kid’s events, or fulfilled whatever leadership type roles they offered her. Now that Zach and Liz are teens, they are not as impressed with mom’s “love for God” or her “devotion” to the church. Their simmering disdain for both has reached the boiling point. Early on it was unobserved rolling of the eyes when much was made of Jayne’s passion for God. Now it’s full-blown anger.

To Tell the Truth

You can imagine the shock of some of Jayne’s friends the other day when they saw her yelling at Joe in the hallway of the church building. No one had ever seen the darker side of Jayne. It was understood that Joe was a silent partner when it came to church and church functions. But that was Joe and no one seemed to mind. Besides, it is not polite to pry into other people’s business. And why would you? They must be doing something right, look at Jayne. Her love for God was well known

As for the kids: they were the cutest two little munchkins you’d ever want to meet. Their clothes were perfect. They excelled in Bible drills. The church seemed to be their life. What the “non-prying” adults did not know was that the dad had checked out and the kids were modeling the hypocrisy of their mom. But for the kids, it was only for a season. Zach & Liz were marking the days until they could get out of their private, dysfunctional family.

Just before Elizabeth’s seventeenth birthday Joe and Jayne found out that their daughter was pregnant. They didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. Initially Jayne tried to keep it under wraps. Later she attempted to talk Liz into a quiet abortion. She threatened Joe if he told anyone about the plans, but they could not keep it under wraps any longer. Jayne’s worst fear had come upon her. She was about to be found out for who she really was.

Application Questions

1. How would you counsel this family?
2. How would you re-envision the church about biblical priorities for the home?
3. How would you implement your practical plan for the church regarding question #2?

Also Read These Related Articles

1. Too Much Church, Daddy. Too Much Church
2. Too Many Bible Studies, Pastor. Too Many Bible Studies, 1.0
3. Too Many Bible Studies: Here’s What We Do, 2.0
4. The Best Bible Study Ever, 3.0
5. The Missing Element in Bible Studies, 4.0

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George came in for counseling because his wife caught him looking at porn on the Internet. Initially George denied that he was looking at porn, though the history record on his computer revealed hundreds of porn links. George and Shari live alone and no one but George accesses his desktop computer.

After a conversation with their pastor, George admitted he had been looking at porn, but quickly inserted that he had only looked a few times in the past six months and that he could control it most of the time. He said he just slipped up due to pressures at work.

What George did not know is that Shari found out a couple of years ago about his addiction and had put accountability software on the two computers in the home. The pastor asked George and Shari to see you for on-going care and accountability through counseling.

During the counseling, George shared with you the same story he told his pastor. At that point, Shari pulled out a stack of history reports that showed a sordid Internet history over the past two years. George looked dumbfounded.

Application Questions

1. What would be your concerns about George and how would you work through them?
2. What potential concerns would you have for Shari and how would you counsel her?
3. Name three possible heart issues that could be going on with George. Why did you name these?

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My pastor spends over 20-hours each week studying God’s Word in order to serve up an incredible sermon each Sunday morning. He has been trained to do the work of sermon crafting. He is an exegete of God’s Word. He has a gift for communicating God’s Word in ways that we can understand.

And, above all else, he is growing in his understanding and application of the Gospel, the most important part of any message, because it is the main point of the Bible. A portion of his Bible sermon prep is praying to God for help regarding the meaning of the text he plans to preach as well as insight on how to apply the passage to the people he brings care to throughout the week.

These are some of the reasons that make this time on Sunday morning the best Bible study of the entire week. Additionally, my pastor has been doing this for over two decades. I have never heard of a Bible study leader spending this much time and effort in the preparation of a Bible study.

Though every Christian teacher has a responsibility to teach accurately and clearly (James 3:1), none are held to the standard of a pastor (Hebrews 13:17).

God has given him the responsibility to bring guidance and care to our church and the Father will also hold our pastor accountable for how he brings care to our local church. (See Hebrews 13:17) What he does on a week to week basis is serious business. I think if the Lord of the universe was going to hold me accountable for how I cared for a group of people, like he does my pastor, then I would take it very seriously. And, in fact, he does.

This is why Lucia and I have such a high view of the Sunday sermon. We believe that our pastor has his thumb on the pulse of the church and he knows what we need. He is our shepherd and we are his sheep. If he is speaking, we want to be carefully listening to what God has directed him to say to us.

Therefore, we clear the deck so to speak, in order to make plans to be at the church meeting, and afterwards to make personal and practical application of the sermon to our lives. You can read more about how we have traditionally applied the Sunday meeting to our lives by clicking on Preparing for Game Day.

We put a lot of time in not only preparing for the Sunday sermon, but afterwards, applying the Sunday sermon to our lives throughout our week. I want to listen to the shepherd, take copious notes, talk to my bride about the sermon, listen to it again via itunes, and make very specific and practical application to our family. All this work related to the sermon preached each Sunday is one reason we don’t attend a church that preaches a sermon three times per week. I’m not that smart to process that much information. It is also why we do not commit to other Bible studies, though we have sat in on Bible studies from time to time. (I do podcast five other churches each week and listen to each of their sermons, but not with the intensity and purpose that I listen to the one at our local church.)

Other Related Posts

1. Too Many Bible Studies, Pastor. Too Many Bible Studies, 1.0
2. Too Many Bible Studies: Here’s What We Do, 2.0
3. The Best Bible Study Ever, 3.0
4. The Missing Element in Bible Studies, 4.0

Other Posts in our “Too Much” Series

1. Too Much Church, Daddy. Too Much Church
2. Too Many Bible Studies, Pastor. Too Many Bible Studies, 1.0
3. Too Much Skin, Girl. Too Much Skin 1.0
4. Too Much Production, Worship Leader. Too Much Production

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Twelve years ago a lady, who I will call Jane in this story, knocked on my office door. She was in tears. She had just finished her weekly women’s Bible study. The Bible study was good and the fellowship was nice, but my friend was in tears.

At that time I could not connect sad tears with a women’s Bible study. But she explained it by her question to me:

Would you talk to my husband?

That was it. That was all she said. I had known her and her husband for a few years. Her husband was passive, quiet, untrusting of others, and rarely engaged with God. Jane had spent a couple of hours at the church building with her lady friends watching a video of a woman teaching on some topic. She enjoyed the video teaching as well as her lady friends.

At some point during her Bible study, she began to think that there was something missing in her life and what she had perceived as good was becoming less and less satisfying. She began to see her weekly Bible study as her surrogate husband. (A surrogate is a person or thing that replaces another, while carrying a similar role and function.)

It’s not Un-biblical, but Sub-biblical

Jane began to realize that there was something inherently wrong with what she was doing. She was not saying that the women’s Bible study was unbiblical, but it was a sub-biblical context that had slowly become a replacement for her husband. Richard, her husband, was not leading his wife spiritually, particularly in the most important way that a man can and should lead his wife.

She was not “throwing the baby out with the bath water” as far as Bible studies were concerned, but God was kindly pressing into her conscience that there was a better way to get what she wanted: intimacy with God and intimacy with others.

Bible studies are not unbiblical, even though you can’t make a strong case for them from the Bible. What you can make a strong case for is studying the Bible. The various contexts for studying the Bible have morphed or changed over the years. That’s not necessarily the problem.

Some husbands have fallen asleep

The Bible does make a clear case for a husband to love, nourish, cherish, honor, serve, and lead his wife. What better way can a husband accomplish these good things than by personally discipling her into a deeper and practical relationship with the Father? I realize some husbands would try to make a case for their discipleship leadership skill through delegation. They delegate the responsibility of discipling, to varying degrees, to women’s Bible studies.

A women’s Bible study can be a supplement to your wife’s spiritual growth, just as a book, or blog post, or the other wonderful mediums we have in our culture that can serve us in our sanctification. The real issue for Jane was not the supplemental contexts that God provides as a “means of grace” to her life. The real issue for Jane was who’s responsible to guide her?

Jane’s husband was not only disconnected from what she was doing and learning, but was not providing any kind of guidance. Jane was, for the most part, pursuing God without the other half of her one-flesh union. Richard was not asking questions about what she was learning. He was not helping her apply what she was learning. Other than knowing she attended a women’s Bible study some time on Tuesday, he was unaware of what the “video teacher” was telling his wife?

Jane’s friends were more intimate with and knowledgeable of Jane’s problems than Richard was. This is why Jane was standing in my office, in tears.

Application Thoughts for the Main Men in Jane’s Life

1. Husband – what is your wife learning?
2. Husband – are you aware of what she is learning and then asking her specific and practical questions about what she is learning?
3. Husband – are you helping her apply what she is learning to her life?
4. Husband – are  you pursuing God as much or more than your wife, so you are able to lead her?
5. Husband – talk to your wife about this blog post. (Wife – if he is not reading this blog post, then send it to him and humbly appeal to him to sit and talk with you about it.)
6. Pastor – what is the point of the Bible studies provided by your local church? Do they create problems as described in this article? How do you know?
7. Pastor – what is your plan for capturing the heart of the men in your church, in order to help them lead their wives?
8. Pastor – how are you teaching these men, by your example, to lead their wives in this most important area?
9. Pastor – are your Bible studies getting in the way of drawing the husbands and wives together spiritually?
10. Pastor – what contexts do you have where the husbands and wives can study together, rather than separately, in order to give the husbands contexts to practice leading their wives spiritually?

Other Related Posts

1. Too Many Bible Studies, Pastor. Too Many Bible Studies, 1.0
2. Too Many Bible Studies: Here’s What We Do, 2.0
3. The Best Bible Study Ever, 3.0
4. The Missing Element in Bible Studies, 4.0

Other Posts in our “Too Much” Series

1. Too Much Church, Daddy. Too Much Church
2. Too Many Bible Studies, Pastor. Too Many Bible Studies, 1.0
3. Too Much Skin, Girl. Too Much Skin 1.0
4. Too Much Production, Worship Leader. Too Much Production

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

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Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

When you are about to disciple or counsel someone, where do you begin as far as developing a plan for discipleship?

• How do you get started?
• Where do you begin?

As in all things, your starting point will have a significant impact on your end point.

Got Affection?

Any discipleship of an individual must be preceded by a divine affection for that individual. It is not wise to care for another person if you do not feel an extraordinary affection for the person you are providing care for. If someone is seeking to care for me, I want to be assured of their affection for me. Do they view me the way God does?

In the “soul care business” there is no place for careless or thoughtless care.

Perspective Determines Affection

Affection for others is rooted in our perspective of others. If you view the person you are counseling the way God views them, then your perspective is correct and you are at the right starting point to begin the counseling process.

In 1 Corinthians 1:4-9 we see, read, and feel Paul’s attitude and affection for a group of unruly and proud people. Paul’s attitude and affection were two key components in his approach to caring for these people. The attitude and affection that Paul had for the Corinthians were rooted in his divine perspective of the Corinthians.

I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge—even as the testimony about Christ was confirmed among you—so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. -1 Cor. 1:4-9

Paul’s affection for this very difficult church was a profound declaration of the grace of God in his life and an outstanding template for us to think about as we approach the wonderful work of discipleship or counseling.

How is Your Heart Toward Unruly People?

The beginning of our counseling—as Paul models for us in the Corinthian letter—should be similar; meaning the motive of our hearts should be tethered to a divine perspective, which will give us extraordinary affection for those we serve.

Therefore, whether your friend needs correction, the way Paul eventually corrected the Corinthians, or your friend needs other forms of soul care, you should model Paul’s attitude and affection for the Corinthians before you begin the counseling process.

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Your Initial Response to Their Correction

Thank you so much for being courageous enough and grace-filled enough to bring correction to me. I now know that you love me because of your willingness to fight through your own fear of man issues to adjust me. The Bible is true, faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are profuse. Thank you for not being my enemy. You are demonstrating your friendship and affection for me by correcting me. For that, I am grateful to God for you.

Now Your Turn to Correct Them

Though I am thankful for your correction and realize you have brought some things to my attention that I need to work on, I feel compelled to let you know that your observations are somewhat incomplete. You have only mentioned two things that I need to change, that trouble you. It saddens me to inform you that you are working with incomplete data. You really do not know me as well as you think you might know me.

You see, we have not known each other that long. We only met a few months ago. The real bad news, and what you are not aware of, is that I have been sinning much longer than the time we have known each other. The honest truth is that I have sinned so much in my life that it would be impossible for me to recount to you all of the sinning that I have done.

I do not say this proudly, though I realize I am being humble right now, and I am somewhat proud of the fact that I’m trying to be humble. I am such a rotten sinner that I can sin even when I’m trying to walk in humility, as in this response to you. I suspect that if I could pile-up all the sin that I have done in my life, that it would far surpass any sinning that you have done and it would far surpass what you think you know about me.

And Now, the Worst News of All

Here’s the honest truth: You do not know the whole truth. I’m a lot worse than you think. You only mentioned two things, but I’m far worse.

I killed Christ.

Not only have I sinned in the ways you have just mentioned to me. Not only have I sinned far beyond what you are bringing to my attention. But it was because of me that the Father executed his Son on the Cross. It was because of me that the Savior silently and humbly chose to go to His Cross.

The things you know about me, that are wrong and I need to change, do not compare to what I have done to my Lord. Though I am very grateful for your courage and grace to bring my sin to my attention, I am more aware of what I have done to the Son of God.

The Best News of All

Please do not misunderstand me. I am not downplaying what you have brought to my attention. It is precisely because of my awareness of my sin against my Lord, that I am going to aggressively repent of these new sins you shared with me. It is this awareness of my worst sin that brings me hope for these lesser sins. My Savior will not only forgive me of these new sins, but he will give me the grace I need to overcome them, because he chose to forgive me initially, when he regenerated me.

He is the Gospel and in the Gospel I have hope.

So thank you for reminding me of the Gospel once again and I pray you will not hold back when you see me dishonoring my Lord. I have the power to change through Him who saved me. I just need friends like you to help me see where I need to change.

Rick

Other Related Articles

1. How to Respond to Criticism
2. Five Tips for Arguing Well
3. Are You Better at Being Right or Wrong
4. Exposed by the Cross
5. Cross-Examination: the final answer for all counseling questions

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It is impossible to live and not argue or disagree with another person. From birth to the grave, disagreements are part of our life. The odds are so stacked against us that you will not be able to get through life without conflict. Because this is true, it would be good to learn how to argue or disagree with others.

Here Are Five Helpful Tips To Help You Disagree Well

Expect the Obvious - A right understanding of the doctrines of man and sin will bring your expectations down to a realistic level. There are no authentic, innate, self-righteous people in the world today. We all are sinners. No one has escaped the curse of Adam. I think when we are surprised by another person’s sin, we have forgotten the obvious: sin is the one thing we do very well. I am not making a case for you to sin more or making light of sin, but I am stating the obvious: we are sinners.

Be Suspicious – The only time when suspicion is allowed is when you are suspicious of yourself. Jesus told us in Matthew 7:3-5 that if you realize the log is in your eye, then you are in a good place to engage another sinner. I am well-aware that I’m self-deceived and because of this, I’m typically not understanding the conflict correctly. A person who is humbly suspicious of himself is a person who has true understanding.

Remember Who You Really Are - This one thing I know: I killed Christ. Because of my sin, the Father executed His Son on the Cross. Because of my sin, the Son willingly chose to die on the Cross. It was my sin that put the Son on the Tree. I am the biggest sinner I know. All of the things that have been done to me do not compare to what I have done to Him. All other sins cannot compare to the sin I have committed. Paul understood this, even at the end of his life. He also understood that his great God showed mercy on him, the chief of sinners. Most assuredly, I can extend a similar mercy toward others.

Ask Questions - Typically I charge into conflict making statements, rather than asking questions. I’m rarely suspicious of my tendency to be self-deceived and, therefore, I state my opinion with insufficient data. More times than not it would have been better for me to ask more questions before stating my opinion. Because of my high opinion of my views and the rightness that I generally feel, I tend to not ask enough questions, choosing rather to make more statements.

Little to Die Over - As I reflect over my past arguments, it is hard to remember any of them that were important enough to sin against God and others. I remember as a kid getting into an argument with my four brothers over a Snickers Bar. We were very poor and on that day we had only one candy bar. One brother measured the candy with a ruler, but did not divide the five parts equally. An argument ensued. Sadly, many of my arguments have not evolved much beyond the trivialities of dividing a candy bar.

How Can You Respond to this Article?

Perhaps you are currently in a disagreement with another person. Let me ask you some questions, based on the five tips above and encourage you to respond to God first and then to the person you’re in conflict with:

1. Expectations: Are you really surprised your offender has done wrong? (Assuming they have done wrong.) Can you extend grace? If not, why not? If not, then you have totally missed the point of the Gospel.
2. Suspicious: Are you more suspicious of yourself? …or your friend? If you are genuinely more suspicious of yourself, then will you respond in grace to your offender?
3. Remember: Who is the biggest sinner you know? If you say anything other than yourself, then you have some heart-work to do. But if you really believe you are the worst sinner you know, then you can extend mercy to your offender, because mercy has been extended to you. This is the point of the Gospel.
4. Questions: Do you really think you have all the facts? Ask yourself if you are missing anything. Assume you are. Get more data. Ask more questions. Make less statements.
5. Trivialities – How important is it for you to be right? How important is the issue you are arguing over? Is this really a hill to die on?

Will you go to the person you are in conflict with and seek to reconcile the relationship? This is the point of the Gospel.

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Earlier this week I posted the christianaudio free download of the month. It was Mark Driscoll’s Religion Saves audiobook. After the post went up on my public website and the link went out through my various social media sites, I lost a few “Friends” or “Followers” or “Fans” on these various networks. (For those of you not familiar with these terms, they are the terms the social media sites use to describe those who view the sites. They are not the terms I would use.)

One Christian, after receiving the free audiobook offer, said, “I have lost respect for you” because of my choice to help distribute this book for christianaudio. He also said he had lost respect for John Piper because of his association with Mark Driscoll.

Big, Stunning and Divine Activity on the Behalf of Another

Quite frankly, I was surprised and saddened by this kind of response. What I know about Mark Driscoll is that he is my brother. He is one of the Father’s kids. God, in eternity past, decided Mark would be his kid. The Father chose to grant Mark faith to trust him and at some point in Mark’s life, God regenerated him.

The Father executed his Son in order to save Mark. Christ chose to give his life up so Mark could be rescued. It seems to me that if the Father and Son would go to that length in order to secure Mark’s soul for eternity, that it would not be wise for me to have such an attitude toward him.

What If Someone Treated Your Boy That Way?

If someone thought similarly about my son I, as my son’s father, would be grieved. God chose to adopt Mark Driscoll. I might not approve of Mark’s style. I might not approve of some of his secondary doctrines. But I do believe he is the Father’s kid. And for that I can rejoice. I can also rejoice in that he seems to not only understand the Gospel, but presents it clearly.

Isn’t this what Paul said about his brothers whom he did not perfectly align with?

Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former proclaim Christ out of rivalry, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice. Paul, Philippians 1:15-18

For the record

I podcasted Mark for over a year because he was a very popular Christian pastor, speaker, and author. Because of my desire to serve my friends, I wanted to know what this guy believed. Though his style is not my style. Though he has an integrated view of sanctification, as it pertains to biblical counseling. Though he is often harsh and crude regarding his presentation style. Mark Driscoll believes in and teaches a pure Gospel: I can rejoice in this.

I was podcasting him when he went through the lectures that are in the christianaudio book offer. I thought the material was good and would serve my friends and network. Needless to say, I was taken aback when I received such a response toward me because of my desire to promote the Gospel through one of the Father’s kids, who does things a bit differently than I do.

I have been encouraged over the years to see people like John Piper, John MacArthur, and C. J. Mahaney seek to serve Mark Driscoll by being his friend. It further encourages me to see a staunch cessationist like MacArthur come alongside a dedicated continuationist like Mahaney. But I reserve my greatest gratitude for my Savior, who daily exercises patience toward me as I work out my own doctrinal weaknesses and stylistic quirks.

Christ will never “Un-friend” me or disrespect me because of who I hang with. The Savior has insight, patience, and discernment for those who do not perfectly line-up with him. He also understands: In his day, the religious had big-time problems with those he hung with.

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Shari is a bitter and insecure lady. Her life has gone from one broken relationship to another. Five years ago she met Kennon and had a world-wind dating relationship. They were impure in their relationship, but rationalized what they were doing by hastily marrying. Though friends had reservations about Kennon and Shari getting married, no one spoke into their lives because the couple kept themselves at arm’s length from helpful, caring relationships.

Their marriage was doomed from the beginning. Shari’s criticalness and insecurity fed into Kennon’s own cravings for respect and affirmation. After four years of marriage, Kennon began a flirtatious relationship with a woman at work. Within six months Kennon was involved in full-blown adultery.

Kennon’s sins are numerous and he is fully responsible for how he has chosen to sin against God and his wife. Through counseling he has admitted his numerous sins and has repented. Currently he is seeking to walk out his repentance by addressing his own sin issues that predate his relationship with Shari, as well as the numerous sins he has committed in their marriage.

His humility and repentance have been inspiring to others.

Shari, on the other hand, is not repentant at all. She is angry, accusative, and divisive. The anger toward and the hurt from Kennon blinds her to how she has been an “accomplice” in his sin. The spear she has been sharpening for years is now stabbing her in the heart.

Shari has a nagging, critical, and condemning tongue. Her own craving for approval and acceptance chokes the life out of her relationships. No one, not even Kennon, can endure a relationship with her. Unfortunately, she cannot see how her attitude has helped push her husband out the door and into the arms of another woman. Eventually, she pushes everyone away from her.

No one familiar with this story condones what Kennon has done, but it is quite obvious to all that it took two to destroy the marriage. Unfortunately the pain that Shari now feels was, in part, self-afflicted.

This is one of the hardest counseling situations to counsel: a person who has been hurt by another’s legitimate sinfulness, but yet has contributed in real, sinful ways to her current chaos. The pain which she feels blinds her to her own role in destroying the marriage.

Application Questions:

1. How would you counsel Shari?
2. How would you counsel Kennon?
3. Ask a trusted friend how you are perceived: are you generally considered an encourager or not? Ask your spouse, children, parents, and friends to “grade your tongue.”

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