Looking for a solid local church can have many challenges and raise many questions. Anyone who has looked for a local church knows these challenges. While it can be a faith-filling experience, it can also be a difficult journey.

Occasionally I hear people say something like the following when they critique a local church,

I like that church, but it is too big for me. I’m looking for something smaller.

Though I think I understand their sentiment, it is an unusual critique from a New Testament perspective. Numerical growth in the NT was generally a sign of God’s blessing rather than an indication of a problem. The early church flocked to God and to each other as God added to their number.

Additionally, it is not unusual for an employee to enjoy the benefits and opportunities that come with a larger organization. You don’t normally hear the “large church rationale” regarding a job or a school, though I realize there are exceptions.

• This company is too large. I’m looking for a company with fewer employees.
• This school is way too big. I want to go to a school with just a handful of people.

(I’m aware that some large churches are not solid, conservative churches. The nature, vision, and values of those types of churches are outside the purpose of this article. Here I am speaking about large Gospel-centered, Christ-exalting churches.)

God adds people to his church according to his good purposes. A large local church is a church that God has chosen to bless by increasing its membership. If God’s blessing is on the church, then making God’s blessing a negative is not wise or biblical. Of course I’m not saying a small church is not experiencing God’s blessing; I am saying the size of the church is at times too much of a concern for some Christians.

You do not read of New Testament believers complaining about the size of their local church. There are more important things to consider when choosing a local church. I have written seven articles on how to find a good local church:

1. How to Find a Local Church, 1.0
2. The #1 Priority for Any Local Church, 2.0
3. The Second Question to Ask a Local Church, 3.0
4. You Better Believe Worship Matters, 4.0
5. Ministries, Programs & Amenities of Religion - 5.0
6. Fellowship! What is Missing in Most Local Churches – 6.0
7. Thoughts on Pursuing Others Relationally – 6.1

An employee of a large corporation typically has a small group of friends that he associates and works with. This is normal and expected. He does not feel the pressure to get to know every person in the organization. A good employee’s primary objective is to support the mission and values of the corporation within the smaller sphere in which he was hired to work.

A large local church should be viewed similarly. A large local church that is functioning biblically will have smaller contexts in which the members of the church can fulfill the “one another” imperatives of the NT. A small group is an excellent context for Christians to enjoy the benefits of body life, while supporting and fulfilling the greater mission of the church.

Application Questions

1. Is the size of the local church an important factor when you are looking for a local church? If so, why?
2. What are your top five values, in order of priority, when you are looking for a local church?
3. How are you experiencing authentic, reciprocal relationships in your local church while supporting the greater vision of your local church?

Related Articles in this Series

1. The Church: the dearest place on earth
2. A Bigger Vision: the local church – 1.0
3. A Bigger Vision: my church is too big! - 2.0
4. A Bigger Vision: the new category: church attender – 3.0
5. A Bigger Vision: let me care for you – 4.0

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• Bob sinned against Sue.
• Sue was hurt.
• Bob asked Sue to forgive him.
• Sue forgave Bob.
• They were reconciled…

But Not Really…

Though Sue forgave Bob she neglected to tell him that she was sinning against him because of what he did to her. She was hurt, but she also became angry at him for what he did. Though she understood that it is never right to sin in response to being sinned against, she did sin against Bob as a response to his sin. Sadly, she chose not to tell Bob about her sin against him.

Have you ever responded sinfully to someone who sinned against you? Through the years I have done this many times. Did you repent of your sin against the person who sinned against you? That is what I mean by double confession: (1) The one who sinned against you confesses and repents of his sin; (2) and you confess and repent of your sin against him. It’s a double confession.

Because we all are fallen people, living in a fallen world “double sinning” happens more often than you might think. A husband, for example, can be harsh or unkind toward his wife. The wife is truly hurt by his immaturity and harshness. But rather than completely working through all the ramifications of the sin, she begins to harbor anger in her heart toward her husband. The husband may confess his sin, but she never confesses her sin. In such cases, they are not truly reconciled. There is an “unresolved fracture” in the relationship that happens because she either dismisses, justifies, or ignores her sinful response to him.

But sin is sin and there is only one right response to sin: confess, repent, and reconcile. A mature and humble wife will let her husband know how she has sinned against him and will seek his forgiveness. This kind of attitude and response removes all hindrances in the relationship and they now have the possibility of enjoying the unencumbered fullness of what a “one flesh” union was meant to be.

Husbands, you can be a helper to your wife:

The wives I have talked to over the years have told me that it is easier for them to harbor their sin against their husbands because it is the path of least resistance. They have shared about how their husbands have been brutish and insensitive and, therefore, they don’t feel the liberty to discuss their sin against their husbands out of fear that they might retaliate in some way. This is a real fear. Here are two things a smart, wise, and mature husband could do to serve his wife in this area of fear:

1. Create a context of grace - Dear husband, you could go a long way in releasing your wife from her fear of you by creating a context of grace in your home. If you would encourage her from time to time, as well as invite her to bring critique into your life, you would make it easy for her to serve you. And after she brings her critique, you should encourage and express your gratitude to her for her care and affection for you. Your wife married you because she loves you. Treat her well. Be humble enough to let her help you with your deficiencies. She can be a helper to you if you would let her. (Genesis 2:18) Be kind to her.
2. Carefully draw her out after you repent - Understand your wife. (1 Peter 3:7) It is not unusual for any person to sin in response to sin. Many times you may discern that your wife has sinned in response to your sin. It’s how you respond, right? Love them enough to ask probing questions. Humbly draw them out regarding how they responded to your sin. While remembering you have a log in your eye, carefully ask if there is a speck in her eye. The context of grace that you have created will free her to be honest and transparent with you.

What if my husband does not repent of his sin?

Sadly, too many of our “Christian homes” are not confessing and repenting homes. The first five years of our marriage I never confessed any sin to my wife. Remarkably, it did not really occur to me. It was only when I was re-introduced to the Gospel did I realize, as the Gospel implies, that I’m a desperate, fallen man in need of God’s mercy on a daily basis. As God began to humble my self-righteous self, I began to see more clearly how I interrelated with others, especially my wife.

Today, our home is a joy-filled, encouraging, confessing, repenting home for the glory of God! But all homes are not this way and, in too many situations, the wife is willing to follow the humble leadership of her husband, but he does not lead biblically. I have written in other places how to respond to someone who refuses to repent, but suffice it to say here that 1 Peter 3:1-6 provides and excellent template for how a wife should respond to her unrepentant husband.

Reflective thoughts and probing questions:

1. This post is for any relationship, not just husbands and wives. When was the last time you confessed your sin to the person who sinned against you?
2. Are you more prone to focus on what was done to you or what you have done to Christ? Which are you generally more aware of?
3. Moms are regularly tempted to sin against their children when their children are not performing in a way the mom expects or desires. Mom, how often do you ask your children to forgive you for a specific sin that you sinned against them after you have responded to their sin in a sinful way?

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You cannot talk about the Gospel and not talk about change. Change is an understood and expected component of the Gospel. When a man is introduced to and affected by the Gospel, change becomes his life-long companion. I’m not just talking about the life-long change that begins at regeneration, but a comprehensive change process that affects every area of his life.

In 1984 God regenerated me. I was building a life as a machinist in a machine shop in a small town in North Carolina. I had no idea how my life was going to change. God not only regenerated me (changed me spiritually, from death to life), but he did much more. He changed my dreams, affections, desires, hopes, and plans. He gave me a new worldview and new friends. He changed me academically, vocationally, and geographically. God took my world and flipped it upside down.

Back in the day the Jews really had a hard time with the idea of a world flipping over:

But the Jews were jealous, and taking some wicked men of the rabble, they formed a mob, set the city in an uproar, and attacked the house of Jason, seeking to bring them out to the crowd. And when they could not find them, they dragged Jason and some of the brothers before the city authorities, shouting, These men who have turned the world upside down have come here also. -Acts 17:5-6 (ESV)

You run with God and he will turn your world upside down

Rather than make fun of these Jews, I empathize with them. I understand the turmoil in their souls. If all you have ever known is being redefined, challenged, changed, and redirected, it can be more than you think you can possibly endure. God is a game-changer. Sadly, the Jews rejected God’s plans and persisted in doing things their own way. Though they were wrong, I understand.

I have said, out of ignorance, that if I had known how my life was going to unfold, prior to becoming a Christian, that I might not have become a Christian. Thankfully God requires us to live by faith, not by knowing the plans he has for us. (Job 23:8-10)

Though my life has had its share of challenges, I am okay with the twists and turns that God has kindly brought into my life. Because suffering is inevitable for all, I had much rather go through personal suffering with God leading the way than without God.

Change is here to stay

Truly, it is illogical to think that change is not here to stay. We all experience it. We all know we will experience more of it. Change is not the issue, since it is an unalterable part of all of our lives. The real issue is where we place our faith in those moments when we are faced with change. If our faith is in ourselves, then we will live in fear, comfort, and a desire to control our lives, as we resist what God is doing in and through us. If our faith is in God, then we will live in courage, blessing, and the expectant hope that God will do wondrous things in our lives.

Small group life is one of those areas where change can be uncomfortable. Just when you get in a relationship groove and everyone is bonding, change happens.

Several years ago I was asked to lead a small group because the group we were in was bursting at the seams. I was okay with leading a new group, but I didn’t want a particular person in my new small group. Guess what? He was not only in my group, but I was told we were going to meet at his house.

I found out later that he was okay with going to a new group, but he did not want to be in a group that I was leading. He did not particularly care for me and I didn’t particularly care for him. It is not  that we didn’t like each other. We were doing fine on a superficial level, but to put us in a small group where we were going to have to do life together, well that’s was pushing it too far.

Today I was thanking God for my friend as He reminded me of him. Back then God did a wonderful work in both of our hearts: we became very good friends. Though we are not in the same church anymore, he will text me from time to time and say, “Hey, I’m in town. You want to do lunch?”

If there is anyway possible I can rearrange my schedule, I’ll do it to meet with him. I like and respect this man a lot. And I thank God that God is patiently relentless in changing me.

Questions & Reflective Thoughts About Change

1. Share with your small group one way in which change came into your life. Talk about how you initially resisted the change and how you walked out repentance. Then share with your group how God blessed you and others with the change.
2. When you hear the word change, what goes through your mind? Do you think about how the Gospel implies change and, therefore, God is up to something for your good? Or do you think about self-protection and control because you do not trust God and the changes he is bringing about in your life?
3. What is one way you resist God as it pertains to the changes you do not like in your small group?
4. If you do resist change, why do you resist it?

In the Never Say Comfortable Series

1. Never Say Comfortable: Gospel-motivated uncomfortableness – 1.0
2. Never Say Comfortable: 10 ways to freak-out your small group – 2.0
3. Never Say Comfortable: change is here to stay – 3.0
4. Never Say Comfortable: the birthing process – 4.0

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What are you more aware of when you think about correcting another person? Are you more aware of your sin or their sin? How you answer this question will have a real and practical effect on the person you are correcting.

Christ made an appeal in Matthew 7:3-5 that when it comes to addressing the sin of others it is essential that you approach them with the awareness that there is a log in your eye and a speck in their eye. He could not be more clear:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, Let me take the speck out of your eye, when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. – The Savior, (ESV)

All Correction is Speck Fishing

Anytime you are confronting and correcting an individual you are addressing a speck, not a log. And trust me, this is so easy to forget. Paul seemed to never forget who was the worst sinner he knew. (See 1 Timothy 1:15) Though he did not grovel in what he was, he never wanted to forget what he was. This is counter-intuitive thinking for the self-righteous Christian and the self-esteem advocates of our world.

But for Paul it was a healthy way to think about himself and others. This theological point was a key component when it came to correcting others. Rarely was he harsh or unkind or uncharitable to anyone. He was acutely aware of who the biggest sinner was.

I have asked many counselees over the years this question: “Who do you think is the biggest or worst sinner in the office right now, from my perspective?” I know that the correct answer to that question will guard my heart regarding how I think about myself and them. It will also mitigate temptations to sin through unkindness, harshness, uncharitable judgments, condescension, impatience, and general rudeness.

BTW, I have committed all of these sins with many people God has called me to serve through the years. I say this to my shame. And every time I sin in any of these ways it is because I get the log/speak dynamic turned around. The way I preach the Gospel to myself in order to adjust my heart rightly before I bring correction to another is by telling them the following:

I do not know what all you have done, but this is what I have done: I put Christ on the cross. And no matter what you have done, you have not done anything that comes remotely close to that sin which I have committed. (Remember, I am sharing this from my perspective, not theirs. If they are humble, they will want to argue the point and say that they are a worst sinner than I am. That is a healthy argument for two Christians to have.)

Let’s Get Practical!

Here are four tips that will serve you well if you make them part of how you correct others…

Examine Your Heart - make sure your motives are right. As noted in yesterday’s post it is essential that you have their best interests in mind, rather than your own. If you are not other-centered in your correction then you can pretty much be assured your correction will not go well for you or the person you are correcting.

Assume You Missed Something – we’re not omniscient. There have been too many times in my life when I assumed I had all the data needed to correct someone, only to find out after I corrected them that I did not know the whole truth. It happens more often than you might think. You and I are not God. Go ahead and assume you don’t know everything there is to know about the situation.

Ask Questions – if you assume you don’t have all the data, then you’ll more than likely ask the other person questions, rather than make statements. A wise man will ask questions rather than assume he already knows everything when correcting someone. Here are some sample questions:

• This is what I heard you say. Is that correct?
• This is what I heard. Tell me what I am missing?
• You know that I can miss things from time to time. Will you help me fill in the blanks so I can understand better?
• The other day I heard you say _________ and it sounded a bit harsh from my perspective, but I probably misunderstood. Can you help me with this? What am I missing?

All of the questions above approach the person with the “log in your eye” rather than telling him he has the log in his eye.

Confess your sins – a person who is humble enough to share their sinfulness with another person is releasing the other person from the fear of transparency. Once he knows you struggle, then he will be more than likely willing to let you know how he struggles. It is hard to confess your sins to a perfect person, unless that person is Christ. Let him know, with specificity, how you are flawed and watch him relax and open up right before your eyes.

If you plan to correct others, with the hope they will listen to your correction and respond by confessing their sin, then model it for them. Let them see you do what you want them to do.

In This Series

• The Art & Care of Correction: all in the family – 1.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: embracing conflict – 2.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confronting others – 3.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confessing your sins – 4.0

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Many years ago an elderly lady in our church approached me about a complaint she had with a friend of hers. Her friend was an “irritant” and she wanted me to do something about it. Though I do not remember who this lady was or exactly what her complaint was, I’ll never forget her reaction when I told her that in the spirit of Matthew 18:15-18, she needs to go and confront her friend.

Let’s just say my dear friend was terrified. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped slightly and she whispered something to the effect of “I can’t do that.” The thought of confronting another person about their sin is one of the more difficult things for Christians to do.

After all these years of bringing negative observations into people’s lives as a counselor, I still struggle with this obligation to others and obedience before God. As I told my dear friend, this is not so much about bringing correction to your friend as it is about honoring your heavenly Father. As Mordecai told his cousin Esther,

And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this? -Esther 4:14 (ESV)

Though Esther was not bringing critique to the king, she did need to “step up to the plate” and honor God in a very difficult situation by saying some hard things. I have made a strong argument throughout this series that God uses the context of community to help us grow in our sanctification. And because of the inevitableness of saved sinners, sinning against one another, there will always be opportunities to honor God by carefully and lovingly confronting others.

A few days later my dear friend came back beaming. She obeyed the “go” imperative of Matthew 18 and God surprised her with grace and a restored friendship. Those two old ladies remained friends and deepened their affection and care for each other.

Confrontational Tips

The following are a few good tips that will serve you as you seek to serve your friends:

Affection – you should not confront a person who you do not have affection for. If I confront a person who I do not “carry in my heart,” there is a good possibility that I will not confront them carefully or lovingly. Read 1 Corinthians 1:1-9 and note the affection that Paul had for the Corinthian church, prior to his confrontational letter to them. As you read the text, you will see and feel the affection this man had for the Corinthians. He genuinely loved them. My elderly lady friend loved her friend. This was one of the reasons it went so well. Be very careful about confronting folks that you do not have affection for.

Thanksgiving – Paul said that he spent time before God, thanking God for the Corinthians. (1 Corinthians 1:4). Are you thankful for the person you are about to correct? Does the person know you are thankful to God for them? Gratitude to God for the person you are about to correct will make a huge difference regarding how you correct them. And the person you correct will be able to discern your gratitude for them as they experience your love and care of them by your correction.

Patience – the Gospel informs us that God was very patient with us as it pertained to how and when we changed.

When we finally learn something after years of trying we can easily be tempted to impose our own unrealistic self-righteous timetable on others in order to change them. – C. J. Mahaney

Typically when I am impatient with an individual it is because I’m asking them to change in an area that I have somewhat mastered. However, I typically do not think about or let them know that I may have spent 5, 10, or 15 years growing in and applying grace to that particular situation. When this kind of self-righteousness grips my soul, I have to preach the Gospel to myself by reminding myself how patient God is with me.

Encouragement – always begin your time of correction by encouraging the person you are about to correct. Most assuredly they have done something right. Right? Even Paul was able to encourage the Corinthians! Identify evidences of God’s gracious activity in their lives and let them know about it. Are the people you generally correct more aware of your correction or your encouragement? The Lord loves the people he corrects. He corrects in a context of grace and love. What is the primary context in which you correct people? (See Hebrews 12:6)

Think the best - in Philippians 1:6 we learn that God will complete what he began in all Christians. God is a finisher! Are you more prone to be discouraged or complain about an unchanging Christian or are you more prone to rest and trust in God to finish what he has begun? In the heat of the moment it is imperative that we preach the Gospel to ourselves. It may seem bleak and they may be irritating, and change seems such a long way off, but God is a finisher. Can you rest and trust in his good work in the life of the person you are correcting?

In This Series

• The Art & Care of Correction: all in the family – 1.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: embracing conflict – 2.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confronting others – 3.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confessing your sins – 4.0

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1. The Bad News: we are sinners who live and sin alongside other sinners in a fallen world.
2. The Good News: the gospel is the perfect solution for sinners who sin in a fallen world.

I realize this will not surprise most of you to hear this, but I will say it anyway: we are not in heaven yet! The implication is that when God saved you (assuming you are a Christian), you were not entirely sanctified. You have not reached perfection. From a Christian worldview, we understand complete sanctification to happen only when we reach heaven.

The sobering reality for all of us is that the time between God saving us and God bringing us to our eternal home is a “getting progressively sanctified kind of life.” With that in mind, there are at least two ways we can respond to the doctrine of sin as it intersects with the doctrine of man in this life:

1. We can deny that sin exist in our lives.
2. We can embrace this sobering reality by aggressively fighting sin in the context of friends who are trying to do the same for the glory of God.

Deniers, Avoiders, and the Fearful

Occasionally you will hear someone say the Gospel is for our salvation and the Gospel is for our sanctification. I firmly believe this statement is true and would further assert that this statement is necessary for any Christian to live wonderfully and victoriously in this life. However, when I or anyone else says the Gospel is for our salvation and the Gospel is for our sanctification, there is an unspoken and undeniable implication that sin is involved in some way.

The Gospel means there is sin. If there were no sin then there would be no need for the Gospel. The introduction of the Gospel (Christ) came after sin entered the world. (See Genesis 3:15) If Adam had not fallen in the Garden of Eden, he and we would not need a redeemer. But we do need a Redeemer and He (Christ) implies sin and sin implies Him (the Gospel).

Most people understand and readily accept this truth when it comes to their salvation. They know they need to be saved from their sin. However, where the rub generally comes into play is how we think and live in-between the time God regenerated us and the time he takes us to heaven. My response to this concern is revealed in the statement, “The Gospel saves us (redemption) and the Gospel sustains us (sanctification).” We never come to a place in our lives, pre or post salvation where we do not need the Gospel.

Therefore, the implication is the same: I need the Gospel to fight sin! Whether I need to be saved or sustained, I need the Gospel. Over the years I have run into three general categories of people who struggle with the “sin is present with us” idea:

The Deniers - this group of sincere Christians simply say that sin does not exist once you become a Christian. They say, “I am dead to sin.” This is a gross misinterpretation of Scripture and is a product of legalism. Legalists try very hard to separate themselves from sin. They misinterpret John’s understanding of worldliness by teaching that worldliness is in the world as opposed to being in the person. John placed worldliness in the heart. You can read more on this in my article Where in the World is Worldliness.

In order for the “deniers” to be true to their theology, they have to do a lot of ignoring or re-catergorizing or justifying their sin. It is not a tenable position and it leads to personal frustration and relational conflict.

The Avoiders – this group puts their fingers in their ears and screams, “Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-” ad infinitum. They are sincere and really want to live for Christ just like the deniers want to live for Christ. Sadly, they are stricken with the same…dare I say it…put your fingers in your ears…SIN!!! There! I said it. If you say you have no sin, you make God a liar and the truth is not in you. (Those are John’s words to Christians in 1 John 1:8. not mine.)

In order to be an avoider you, too, have to re-categorize, ignore, and rationalize your sin away. The avoiders generally go from conflict to conflict, rarely ever resolving their conflicts.

The Fearful – this group knows they sin, but they try very hard to ignore it because they don’t want to be found out for who they really are. Transparency is a frightful proposition for them. To be open and honest about their most personal struggles is not a “best case scenario” to them. This is also called self-righteousness.

Many times these people come from discouraging and condemning situations. For example they may have had harsh dads or they were part of a legalistic religious culture. They run to grace, but over-react by denying the truthfulness of their sinfulness. They honestly can’t juxtapose sin and grace the way Paul did. (See 1 Timothy 1:15-16)

To ignore sin is to neutralize the Gospel

To avoid, deny, or respond fearfully to the real and objective sin in your post-salvation experience, is to mock and devalue the Gospel. To say you have no sin is to say you have no need for the Gospel. This is a dangerous and heretical position for any believer or unbeliever to take.

If an unbeliever did not believe in sin, he would have no need for the Gospel. Jesus did not come for the “healthy.” He came for the sick. If the believer did not believe that he sins, then he, too, would not need the Gospel. And this brings us to the value and beauty of small groups for those of us who sin. Sanctification is a community event, a shared life between fellow sinners who have been saved by the grace of God. A small group which embraces the reality of sin and the potential of conflict will position itself to be able to resolve its conflicts in ways that glorify God.

Reflective Questions to Ponder

1. Do you sin?
2. Do you believe you need others to help you walk through your sin?
3. Do you believe others need you so you can help them walk through their sin?
4. If you said “yes” to the three questions above, then how are you setting the example by personally confessing your sin to others as well as others knowing and experiencing your care for them when they sin? See 1 John 1:9 & James 5:16.

In This Series

• The Art & Care of Correction: all in the family – 1.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: embracing conflict – 2.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confronting others – 3.0
• The Art & Care of Correction: confessing your sins – 4.0

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I was chatting recently with a Christian counselor who said that she was taught that Christian counselors should not show emotion during a counseling session. She asked me what I thought about this kind of teaching. In a word…Hogwash!

One of my profs, Wayne Mack, said,

Christian counseling is neither Christian nor counseling if it is done without tears.

I have never forgotten his encouragement to tears. It also reminded me of the time when the Savior was standing outside the tomb of his good friend Lazarus. There were several believers and unbelievers standing with him that day. Some were curious, some were despairing, and others were cynical. All of them needed leadership in the moment. What did Jesus do?

Jesus wept. -John 11:35

Jesus wept with those who were weeping. (Romans 12:15) His emotions were appropriate to the need of the moment. Jesus was in tune with his friends and knew exactly what was needed. The unbelievers were so taken back by his emotion that they essentially said, “Wow, he really loves this guy!” (John 11:36) The best counseling in that moment was to cry, and that is what the Savior did.

Counseling is Modeling

Counselees generally live in various forms of chaos. Their lives are chaotic. This is why they come for counseling. They want the counselor to address the chaos of their lives, with the hope that the counselor will bring order to their chaos. One of the ways a counselor brings order to chaos is by presenting to the counselee what a real Christian is really like. Showing proper and biblical emotion is one of the more effective ways a counselor can serve his counselees. For example,

• A counselor should laugh a lot. Counselees should not only be taught to laugh, but they need to see it modeled. It is not unusual for their lives to be out of control and sad. Daily doses of laughter are not part of their lives, particularly in their homes. Laugh much. Laugh often. Laugh with them.
• A counselor should weep with their counselees. No person understands the problem of evil like a Christian. We get evil. We understand evil. The Gospel declares the profound problem of evil: the Father had to execute His Son because of evil. Counselees have been affected by evil. Weep with them.
• A counselor should not take himself seriously. Many of our counselees are “wrapped” pretty tight around their problems. They are overly-serious and can easily over-interpret their problems. I have found that authentic, self-deprecating humor can go a long way in releasing them from their over-serious way of thinking and living.
• A counselor should be modeling joy-filled hope and confidence in our great God. If the counselor is not stunned by the Gospel as shown by his/her hope-filled gratitude for what God has done, then the Gospel may be merely an academic retelling. Have you, the counselor, been affected by the unspeakable joy that we find in Christ?

God is an exuberant and emoting God. Stoicism is a monkish, anti-Gospel attitude and behavior for people who have been redeemed from the pit. Our counselees should not only be counseled by the Word, but they should be counseled by your laughter and your tears. “Imitate me as I imitate Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11:1) Let them see and experience Christ in you. Give them a full-orbed, emotive example of what Christianity is like.

Humor is One Way We Can Model Humility

Laughter is a divine gift to the human who is humble. A proud man cannot laugh because he must watch his dignity; he cannot give himself over to the rocking and rolling of his belly. But a poor and happy man laughs heartily because he gives no serious attention to his ego….Only the truly humble belong to this kingdom of divine laughter…Humor and humility should keep good company. Self-deprecating humor can be a healthy reminder that we are not the center of the universe, that humility is our proper posture before our fellow humans as well as before almighty God. -Terry Lindvall (Surprised by Laughter: The Comic World of C. S. Lewis)

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Betty Jean was clear when she called for counseling. Under no circumstances was her pastor to find out that she was seeking counseling for what she was going through. Through the years, this has been a common request from people seeking help.

Once upon a time the pastor was the primary caregiver for the sheep God had charged him to care for. And the sheep were more than willing to seek out their shepherd to walk with them through various troubles and trials. Today, that is not always the case.

For many reasons, the pastor and his church have been marginalized and para-Church ministries are becoming more and more the primary caregivers for those in trouble. Realizing I cannot be a long-term solution for the hurting, my hope is to help the Betty Jeans of the world to see, value, and pursue their local churches for long-term care.

While I don’t mind helping in the short-term, I realize that Betty Jean is just like me: she’s a Christian who will not fully overcome sin and suffering in this life. We both need a long-term solution. God’s answer for this is the local church.

Application Questions

1. Would you counsel Betty Jean? Why or why not?
2. Would you try to give her a vision for the local church as the long-term solution for care? Why or why not?
3. Do you believe the local church is God’s answer for the sanctification needs of His people? Why or why not?

Other related articles:

• Your high standards tempt me to lie in my marriage – 1.0
• If I tell the truth my Christian college will expel me – 2.0
• Don’t tell the Elders. I’ll lose my job – 3.0
• I don’t want anyone to know I’m in counseling – 4.0

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Mary is very insecure. It is hard for her to ever admit she is wrong. Her self-righteousness also has a stranglehold on her when it comes to the opinion of others. She is a people-pleaser who craves people’s opinions. How she appears before others as well as how she thinks others think about her are paramount to Mary.

Trying to be perfect in an imperfect world and craving the opinion of others are just two ways in which her self-righteousness truncates her relationship with God, her family, and her friends. Most of her friends love her and see her as an example to be emulated, while her family sees her for who she really is. But they can never honestly say what they think because Mary has never been humble enough to receive that kind of evaluation regarding her faults.

Whenever her family has brought that kind of observation to Mary, she responded with outrage, while letting them know all the ways they have failed her and God. Her family has taken the position of letting it go because it is not worth getting into an argument.

Though Mary is unaware of it, her self-righteousness has had an even more detrimental effect on her husband Bill. Bill has a specific sin issue that Mary is aware of and Mary has not been shy about letting him know about it. She expresses her disappointment in Bill through her nagging, criticism, and regular demeaning attitudes. Recently she told him that if he continued in his sin patterns she would leave him.

Bill does not want a divorce and he has been trying to walk out his repentance in humility. Recently he said during a counseling session:

I don’t want to sin anymore and I’m trying very hard not to [sin this way again]. I have spent more time in prayer than any other time in my life. I have been reading the Bible more than ever and I’ve set-up accountability partners to help guard my heart and life from falling back into [this specific sin].

However, I feel that there will be times when I will fall into [this specific sin]. I don’t want to and though I don’t think I am making excuses, I’m not sure I can live a life of perfection, which is what Mary is asking me to do. I know it sounds wrong, but I’m tempted to lie to Mary when she asks me [if I committed this sin again]. Do you know what I mean? So when she asks, “How’s it going Bill?” What am I to say?

Application Questions

1. What would you advise Bill?
2. While empathizing with Mary because of the specific sin issue that Bill struggles with, what would you say to her as far as how she should accept and serve her husband through this specific sin issue?
3. Should Bill be perfect? Should he be completely transparent with Mary, even though he knows it could be death to his marriage?

Other related articles:

• Your high standards tempt me to lie in my marriage – 1.0
• If I tell the truth my Christian college will expel me – 2.0
• Don’t tell the Elders. I’ll lose my job – 3.0
• I don’t want anyone to know I’m going to counseling – 4.0

This article represents no person in particular. This problem is a very common occurrence with scores of counseling situations I have interacted with over the years. If this article resembles anyone you may know, it is merely coincidental. Bill & Mary are the names of my parents and this is not an accurate representation of their lives.

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A counselee shared this quote that he was learning from the Divorce Care Ministry he was participating in:

Loneliness is a terrible thing; it’s a disease; it’s a product of a poor self-concept. It’s a product of people who don’t believe that they are worth being loved or that they are important, so they feel isolated from the crowd. That is a sickness. God says He doesn’t like that. He doesn’t want that to happen to anybody. Aloneness is the source of that.”

This quote is representative of many counseling models that are so convoluted with truth and non-truth that it is hard to know how to work through personal issues. There is truth in this quote, but there is also just enough non-truth that it could lead the counselee into greater despair.

The Truth

It is true that loneliness is a terrible thing. God told us this in the early pages of Genesis when He saw man all alone. God exercised divine initiative by creating a woman for the man. (Gen. 2:18)

It is true that lonely people can feel lonely in the midst of one-thousand people. It is easy for lonely people to walk into a church meeting on any given Sunday morning and feel the sting of their loneliness.

It is true that God does not like this, which is why there is a Gospel. God came to earth and took on flesh in order to rescue man from himself.

The Non-Truth

It is not true that it is a disease or a sickness. The “disease” language is more than just a poor word choice. It is a presuppositional worldview for many who use this type of language. Typically, and in this quote, this type of language points man in the wrong direction: a sick person attempts to cure the problem within, while the Bible appeals to us to run from ourselves, toward the new man found in Christ.

Man is broken and cannot be fixed. He must be born again or what we call theologically, regenerated. There is a subtle teaching here, with a trajectory and methodology that leads to ever-increasing inwardness, individualism, and despair. This worldview perpetuates a victim mentality that typically leads to more alienation from the community they long to be part of.

The Bible’s View of Self

If anything, a poor self-concept is an accurate assessment, though I would not frame the problem with this kind of convoluted language. The truth is that the individual is so in love with herself that she hates what she knows to be true inside. Therefore, her solution is to pursue a self-centered approach to fix the problem. I have written several articles on the deception of loving yourself through our culture’s answer to a poor self-concept, also called self-esteem.

Prior to regeneration God wants us to have a poor self-concept. He tells us how pitiful we really are and that we are not worth being loved. We deserve hell. God wants us to be miserable, hopeless, and in despair. It is not until we come to the end of ourselves that we see the need to look outside of ourselves in order to be forever changed. God does not want us to turn inward toward self, but to turn outward toward His Son, who can save us from ourselves.

The Bible wants us to get “inside Christ” in order to be (1) born from above; (2) and gradually transformed from who we used to be, to who we need to be, which is a Christ-like person.

The Bible motivates us to flee from ourselves by teaching us that we are worse than we ever thought we could be and that none of us are good or worth being regenerated. It is only when we come to grips with the bad news that the good news can really be good. It is an act of God’s divine mercy that any of us have been rescued from ourselves.

As it is written: None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one. – Romans 3:10-12 (ESV)

We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away. – Isaiah 64:6 (ESV)

Reflective Thoughts on Loneliness

Loneliness is a product of the fall. When Adam sinned, he isolated himself from God. Once he partook of the fig from the fig tree, he felt a sense of shame and guilt inside. This was a new and awkward reality for Adam. Rather than fleeing to God, he fled from God. (Read: loneliness) This was a selfish, individualistic solution to his new poor, self-concept. He did not like who he was, though who he really was should have been a clue that he was now broken and the solution was to come back to God rather than dressing himself up.

By dressing himself up, Adam was attempting to fix himself. He knew something was wrong inside and fig leaves seemed like a good idea at the time. Therefore, he covered himself with the leaves from the tree. This was his way of elevating his self-estimation of himself.

God knew Adam could not fix himself by himself. Adam was not sick. Adam was fundamentally broken from the inside out and divine intervention was the only thing that would work. Therefore, God made a promise in Genesis 3:15 that there would be a Savior who would fix not only the problem of loneliness, but the problem with man in general.

The first step for the lonely person is to build a community, which begins with God. Therefore, he must be born again in order to enjoy the benefits of real community. A Christian not only loves the divine community (Father, Son, & Spirit), but he also has an affinity for the Christian community. As a born again person, he now has the joy and privilege of entering the community of like-minded believers.

The cure for loneliness is found in the two greatest commandments: love God and love your neighbor. (Matthew 22:36-40) If you are engaging these two communities then you’re well on your way to solving the problem of loneliness. However, if you are inwardly focused, you’ll only become more and more alienated, individualized, and angry. Too much inward looking will lead you to despair.

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