Back when Lucia and I had a general dislike for each other, we found talking to be a chore, particularly around things that mattered. As I have written in other places, I did muster the courage to shoot the “pink elephant” in the room. I told her that I did not like her, that I did not have a clue about how to lead her, and that I was not real sure I wanted to lead her.
I then asked her and God to forgive me for being such a jerk, and from that ominous beginning we began rebuilding our marriage…again. One of the issues I was confronted with first was the fearful inability of looking her in the eye. I not only did not know how to talk to her, but I didn’t want to look her in the eye.
Functional Catholicism
The reason is that some of the time I tend to act like a “functional Catholic” rather than a Gospel-centered believer. This comes out when I sense the need to pay some kind of penance for my actions because the grace of God through His death on the Cross is not enough for my sin. Therefore, the lingering effects of my sinfulness hovers around my heart and keeps me in this guilty stupor.
This kind of self-righteousness focuses my attention on everything I have done wrong rather than what Christ has done right to free me from my sin. My self-pity and self-righteous anger at myself truncates my leadership in the home. It is in those moments that I need a serious “Gospel-fix.”
Practical Rebuilding
While I’m waiting for my “fix” to kick-in, I’m still unsure how to talk to my wife. So what did we do? We did it in the dark. We found that late at night, while in bed, with the lights off was the easiest time for us to learn how to talk to each other about things that mattered. There was no eye contact, just two selfish people trying to do it in the dark. In time, we learned how to bring our conversation into the light.
God has been remarkably kind to us. We have since become best friends and Lucia is the one person I want to talk to more than any other person. We can do it in the dark and anywhere else for that matter.
If you’re having talk trouble, read these articles and ask God to give you a place to begin…
- Communication 101 … Talk Trouble
- Communication and the Universal Mute
- Communication Inhibitors
- You Can’t Handle the Truth – Jack Nicholson
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