Shari is a bitter and insecure lady. Her life has gone from one broken relationship to another. Five years ago she met Kennon and had a world-wind dating relationship. They were impure in their relationship, but rationalized what they were doing by hastily marrying. Though friends had reservations about Kennon and Shari getting married, no one spoke into their lives because the couple kept themselves at arm’s length from helpful, caring relationships.

Their marriage was doomed from the beginning. Shari’s criticalness and insecurity fed into Kennon’s own cravings for respect and affirmation. After four years of marriage, Kennon began a flirtatious relationship with a woman at work. Within six months Kennon was involved in full-blown adultery.

Kennon’s sins are numerous and he is fully responsible for how he has chosen to sin against God and his wife. Through counseling he has admitted his numerous sins and has repented. Currently he is seeking to walk out his repentance by addressing his own sin issues that predate his relationship with Shari, as well as the numerous sins he has committed in their marriage.

His humility and repentance have been inspiring to others.

Shari, on the other hand, is not repentant at all. She is angry, accusative, and divisive. The anger toward and the hurt from Kennon blinds her to how she has been an “accomplice” in his sin. The spear she has been sharpening for years is now stabbing her in the heart.

Shari has a nagging, critical, and condemning tongue. Her own craving for approval and acceptance chokes the life out of her relationships. No one, not even Kennon, can endure a relationship with her. Unfortunately, she cannot see how her attitude has helped push her husband out the door and into the arms of another woman. Eventually, she pushes everyone away from her.

No one familiar with this story condones what Kennon has done, but it is quite obvious to all that it took two to destroy the marriage. Unfortunately the pain that Shari now feels was, in part, self-afflicted.

This is one of the hardest counseling situations to counsel: a person who has been hurt by another’s legitimate sinfulness, but yet has contributed in real, sinful ways to her current chaos. The pain which she feels blinds her to her own role in destroying the marriage.

Application Questions:

1. How would you counsel Shari?
2. How would you counsel Kennon?
3. Ask a trusted friend how you are perceived: are you generally considered an encourager or not? Ask your spouse, children, parents, and friends to “grade your tongue.”

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Patrick Hughes, a young man who attended the University of Louisville, was born blind and cannot walk, but yet plays the piano beautifully as well as a former “marcher” in the Louisville marching band. This was a piece done during ESPN College Gameday on 12/2/2006. It is stunning.

You can learn more about Patrick at the Patrick Henry Hughes website.

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The letter linked below is from my friend, Sarita Jarrett, a lady who has a disease called Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. She has been suffering with M.E. since 1988 and is slowly dying of this disease.

I had the joy and privilege of supervising her through the NANC counselor certification process this past year. Sarita is one of the most remarkable testimonies of God’s grace whom I have ever had the privilege to meet. The only other person, who I have met, who’s testimony is comparable to Sarita’s is Joni Eareckson Tada. I am simultaneously convicted and edified when I am with her. I’m convicted because of the high opinion I have of my problems while I am edified because of the hope, grace and mercy I see in my friend.

Sarita refuses to quit! She refuses to believe that God is through with her; until he is ready to take her home. She will tell you that she is stubborn. That is not true. She is not stubborn. Sarita is a believer. She believes in God and by the grace of God she refuses to believe otherwise. Sarita perseveres in his grace and tenaciously holds on to God and his promises, even when the odds seem insurmountable.

Read her story. Learn more about her disease. Sign-up for her e-News blurbs from her Caring Bridge site. Join the Facebook Group, called Sarita. Please join, pray and pass the Facebook link to your friends. Above all else, enter into her story by asking the Father to continue to strengthen and sustain her, until he is ready to call her home.

Sarita gave me permission to blog her story, but was clear to make this one essential caveat:

I don’t mind at all if you blog me as I know you will be sure to make clear that any “good things” you want to say are about God’s work and His grace in my life and not about me! – Sarita

Click Sarita’ Story to read the full PDF article!

• Join “Sarita” a Facebook Group: Sarita
• Lear more about Sarita’s disease: Myalgic Encephalomyelitis
• Sign-up for eNews from Sarita at Caring Bridge

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It was not intentional that I write this post on 9/11. It just happened to be next up in the queue, though this post is applicable to the significance of this day.

Without a robust theology of suffering we will set ourselves up for patterns of bitterness, anger, disappointment, frustration, criticism, blaming and more. We must be on constant vigilance, by taking our souls to task regarding how our American worldview of expectations will compete against a God-centered worldview of expectations.

This does not mean that we should not expect nice, temporal things from God. God is a generous God. However, it does mean that our expectations cannot be one-sided. The same God that gives is the same God that takes away.

And Job said, Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.  In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong. – Job 1:21-22 (ESV)

A Balanced Perspective on God’s Kindness

Though Job had his problems, he got this right. He had a balanced perspective on God’s kindness. Recently I told a gentleman that it could be God’s kindness to him to bring his adultery out into the open. Initially he did not see it this way. From his perspective, as well as his wife’s perspective, his exposure was the worst kind of news. He did not want to be found out and she did not want to go through the subsequent pain.

I understand their perspective. But think about this for a moment.

They have been married for a very long time and their marriage has been full of disappointments. There was little hope that things were going to turn around. Neither one of them were purely focused on God. It was God’s mercy to them to implode their marriage and from this major bomb going off, they are now working on things that have gone unattended for many years.

God is a jealous God. He will not let his children worship at the altar of idols forever. There are times when he will insert himself into our lives to bring correction. This correction can be painful, but make no mistake about it, his correction is always for our good.

For the Lord disciplines the one he loves. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. – See Hebrews 12:6-11 (ESV)

Does Personal Suffering Always Point to Personal Sin?

Of course not. Christ, who never sinned, suffered the most. His personal suffering was for our benefit. Without his death on the cross, we would all be lost in our sins and merely moments from an eternity in hell. It is true that sometimes we suffer because of our foolishness. And sometimes, similar to Christ, we suffer because of the foolishness of others.

In one sense, it does not matter why we are suffering, but it is extremely relevant as to how we are going to respond during our suffering? The former we may never know. The latter we must work out.

My sister-in-law murdered my brother 12 years ago. I will never know all the reasons why things went down the way they did. But that is not important to me. What is important is how am I going to respond to this personal tragedy.

You can read more about my brother’s death HERE.

Application Questions

1. Do you believe God is good all the time?
2. Can you see God’s goodness through suffering?
3. What do you need to change in order to be like Christ toward those who have hurt you?
4. Will you change today?

Other articles relevant to this post are:

• My Brother Was Murdered 12 Years Ago
• I’ve Got More Hating to Do
• Cursing the Sun
• Great Expectations: 1.0
• Great Expectations: God, 2.0
• Great Expectations: Myself, 3.0
• Great Expectations: Christians, 4.0
• Great Expectations: Unbelievers, 5.0

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“This is not what I signed up for!”

Julie had an idea of what marriage should be like. After several years with Bob however, her dream had been shattered.

You can read her Case Study here: Exchanging Prisons: From Singleness to Marriage.

Paul Miller in his book, A Praying Life, said…

[Our culture] shapes our responses to the world, and we find ourselves demanding a pain-free life. Our can-do attitude is turning into relentless self-centeredness.

Julie has drifted so far from the Gospel that she now believes she deserves better than what she has. The Gospel informs us that we all deserve hell and anything better than hell is a plus. Because Julie is a Christian, she is doing far better than she deserves, but she wants more.

Unfortunately for Julie she has fallen into the “American Christian” attitude trap that does not accommodate suffering. She prefers Joel Osteen over the Apostle Paul. Listen to Paul:

For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake. -Philippians 1:29

You won’t hear Philippians 1:29 in your Evangelism 101 Class. Paul says that there are two gifts at salvation; the first gift is faith in Christ and the second is personal suffering. Not only does God give you the gift of salvation, but he gives you the gift of suffering.

But the gift of suffering is un-American!

What Would Jesus Do?

The Apostle Peter said it another way:

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. -1 Peter 2:21

Most of the people who wore the rubber WWJD? bracelets in the 90’s did not know that the idea came from 1 Peter 2:21. Typically when people talk about their calling, they do not reference this passage. Paul was clear. Peter was clear. It is clear that suffering is part of our calling.

After Peter finished his “theology of suffering” passage, he began his next section with the conjunction “likewise”. A conjunction, grammatically, joins two thoughts. Peter was joining what he had just said (2:18-25) to what he was about to say to the wives (3:1-6), who have husbands who are unresponsive to God.

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. -1 Peter 3:1-2

Peter brings New Testament theological view of suffering into our post-modern living room. Julie needs to come to grips with a Christian’s view of suffering. Julie needs to repent.

Other posts in this series

• Desperate Housewife & Her Theology
• Desperate Housewife & the Gospel
• Desperate Housewife & Faith
• Desperate Housewife & Fear, Anger, Ignorance
• Desperate Housewife & Suffering
• Desperate Housewife: Freedom in Captivity

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On April 18, 1997 I got the call nobody ever wants to get. The sister of my sister-in-law called to tell me my brother had been killed. I remember writing in my journal that it was a sunny, 67 degree day. It was a perfect day. And then that call. 

I lived 135 miles away. I asked her not to tell anyone in my family. The news was sudden and back then this kind of news was slower to get out than today with technology. In 1997 social media was unheard of. I told Lucia; we packed the car and headed north to my hometown. We arrived about three hours later at my brother’s home.

He was shot the night before. He and his wife had been on a date in a neighboring town. They came home and for some inexplicable reason they got into an argument. It escalated and she went into the bedroom to get their gun. He was at the other end of the house and she began shooting. This is what she told me when I arrived.

She hit him at least once from about 40 feet away. He crawled out into the garage, between their two cars and she went into the garage and found him lying on the floor. She told me that she held the gun about five feet above him and shot him, unloading the chamber. When she was finished, he had five slugs in him and died within minutes.

I’m not sure why she didn’t run outside to get away from him if she was scared. That has never made any sense to me. She said she was scared, but she walked past the front door, entered the garage, walked to the other side of the car and unloaded the pistol.

They knew each other all of their lives

On January 20, 1957 they were born in the same town, in the same hospital, only hours apart. They knew each other all of their lives. They went to school together, hung together and eventually got married 30 years after they left the hospital in 1957.

A few months before she killed him, she took out an insurance policy on him. She was convicted of the murder, but they gave her the least possible conviction, which was involuntary manslaughter. At the trial, she had every friend she knew plus all their friends show up in the courtroom for support and to testify that she was a good person.

On my brother’s side was my grandmother, my mother, Lucia and me. The two sides numbered about 200 to 4. The trial was a joke. She got 300 hours of community service.

Because of the conviction she could not get the life insurance money, but her daughter from a previous marriage did collect it. Her daughter was in her teens.

But here is the good news

My prayer has been since that day that God would save her soul. It would bring me no greater pleasure than to see her standing in heaven, beside the person she murdered, forever worshipping the Savior. How glorious would that be?

The great Apostle Paul has been doing similarly for 2000 years. He is rejoicing with his friends that he put to death. The Cross of Christ and the Gospel that flows from his Cross and Tomb resolved our problems by bringing reconciliation to our relationships. What could possibly be better than this?

It is the Gospel that makes all things right and I do thank God that though my soul is heavy because of the wages of her sin, I know that I am no different than my sister-in-law. Oh yes, I know she murdered someone. She told me she did and she was convicted of the crime. But so did I. My sin put my Savior on the tree and he forgave me of the greater crime. 

My prayer is that I never get over the fact that, like my sister-in-law, my murder has been forgiven. And I long for the day when my sister-in-law is also forgiven of murdering the same person I did. That would be glory!

Read the Counseling Case Study for this story.

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I am probably the last guy on the planet who has not seen this video. But just in case you have not, please watch. It is inspiring. To date, Dick and Rick have competed in 978 race events, including over 200 triathlons. They have completed Ironman triathlons in Penticton, Canada, Germany and Kona, Hawaii. You can read more on their website.

We have got a lot of strong women at our church. They bear a lot of things. They endure pain through marriages and through kids that are disabled…Strong women are magnificent testimonies to Christ because, if they are complementarian, they are combining things the world can’t explain. They are combining a sweet, tender, kind, loving, submissive, feminine beauty with this massive steel in their backs and theology in their brains. Read More Here.

All the descendants of Jacob were seventy persons; Joseph was already in Egypt. –Exodus 1:5

Whether or not you know where you are going, there is an abiding truth that is universal and applicable to every person:

Regardless of your destination, before you get there, you can know, rest and trust in the fact that God is already there.

You cannot go anywhere in this life where God is not waiting for you to get there. It is impossible to go ahead of him, to beat him to the punch or step out of his plans for you. In good times and bad, please know that God is ahead of you, waiting on you and ready to take care of you.

In Exodus, God was disrupting an entire nation. The Israelites were being made aware that things had to change. There was turmoil in their land. They were in dire straits. The famine had spread beyond discomfort and families were struggling to make ends meet.

From their perspective they were living in the moment and there was little hope for change of circumstance. It was not clear as to what they should do to resolve their problems. From their limited understanding they had no idea of the plans God had made for them. They could only see their trouble, their present situation.

In Exodus 1:5 the writer is letting us know that the Israelites are in process of leaving their homes and heading to an unknown place. Though the text does not say I’m sure some of them were struggling with the stirring of their nest. They were being made uncomfortable and most certainly some of them were wavering in their faith about these upheavals of circumstance.

1. Have you ever been in a place where God was re-altering your life?
2. Have you ever stood in the moment of difficulty and seemingly all perceived options seemed to be lined with personal suffering and difficulty?

If so, then you can somewhat understand what the children of Israel were going through. They were leaving all they knew. This was a total lifestyle change. People, places and things were being thrown under the bus and life was being radically altered and there was nothing they could do about it. They were being moved to another place by difficult circumstances.

It was in this time and place that the writer inserts five little words into the text: Joseph was already in Egypt! This is more profound than just placing a GPS on Joseph’s backside to let the other Israelites know where their relative was located. Most certainly Joseph was found and his new diggs in Egypt became their new diggs.

But it is more than that. This story is also about the how and why Joseph was in Egypt. As you begin to unpack Joseph’s prior circumstances, troubles and journey to Egypt you get the idea that something bigger than suffering was going on here. Then as you read about his rise to prominence and the ensuing famine in the land and the discomfiting of an entire nation, you begin to get a glimpse of God’s kindness to his children through their personal suffering.

1. Can you see God’s kindness through your suffering?
2. Are you aware that God is ahead of you?
3. Do you know that your Father is planning, positioning, removing and inserting his necessary plans to take care of you?

It took the Israelites a long time to realize that Joseph’s relocation to Egypt was orchestrated by the divine and loving hand of God. Regardless of your situation, I can most assuredly tell you that God is already there!

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