Kids are one of God’s many gifts to parents. As parents we have the responsibility and privilege to guide them into a desire to know and love God. Though our children are born with a limited God-awareness (Romans 1:20), it is the parent’s job to connect their innate awareness of God in real, practical and mature ways that ultimately lead to their salvation.

We can either hinder or facilitate the kid’s path to God. Our children want to know what we know and as time goes by they begin to either imitate us or they start a process of rejecting us. If we are not modeling our parenting style after God (Ephesians 5:1), the process of rejection typically comes to full fruition when the kid is in his/her teenage years.

The First Negative Fruit

Fear is typically the first evidence that we see in a child who is in the process of rejecting their parent’s parenting model. Let’s suppose that a parent has a pattern of any one of the following traits:

• Distant parent
• Angry parent
• Abusive parent
• Critical parent
• Divorced parent
• Preoccupied parent
• Impatient parent

If any of these patterns are consistently found in either or both of the parents, it would not be unusual for their kids to begin searching for other means of security. Security or trust or faith is what Adam did not have when he decided to walk away from God in the Garden of Eden. Every person in our world is looking for security, trust or faith in something. And if God is not part of their solution then they will seek security through things that can never allay their fears.

Parenting at the Crossroads

I have the responsibility, through my words and behavior, to direct my children to God or turn them toward the things of this world. Please read my post titled Have You Ever Considered Modeling for a Career. The more I model the love, mercy, justice, kindness, long-suffering and other characteristics of God, the more likely my children will be drawn to God. However, if I’m self-centered and generally practice the list above, it would not be a surprise for my kids to begin the process of rejecting me, while gravitating to the things of the world.

Three Major Caveats

1. God’s grace is greater than all our sin. Many of us came from parents who did not love God, but we do love God. Though there is no excuse for parenting negligence, it is true that God can overcome any of our blunders.
2. Good parenting does not necessarily lead to godly children. At the end of the day, it is all of grace. Though godliness in parents is the goal, it does not assure that our godly efforts will lead to our expectations.
3. Read my extended 10-part series on Rebellious Teens & How They Got There

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Theological soundness and shelf life are two wonderful bookends for a worthy book and Shepherding a Child’s Heart (SCH) is a regular recipient of both accolades.

I first read SCH in the late nineties as a requirement for my MA Counseling Program. This was before our current 7-year old was born. Therefore, I was reading this book because I had to, rather than reading it for immediate application.

surprised by God!

God changed my mind about the stated purpose of this book and I began to make immediate, specific and practical application to my life. The application was not for my future kids. God, in his providential mercy, began to affect my heart. This book was not only for me, but it was about me.

My life story began to unfold from its pages. Tedd Tripp brought clarity to my childhood and how those early shaping influences had conformed me to the person I am today.

He also gave me hope that I was not bound to some kind of genetic, familial or cultural determinism, but by the power of the Gospel I could be changed from those early childhood shaping influences and could be progressively transformed into deeper and more comprehensive Christlikeness.

It is one of those rare books that communicates bible truths so well that in a small way it imitates the bible by showing me a mirror where I can see more clearly who I really am and what I can be.

my primary criticism of the book

If I could rename the book I would call it Shepherding a Person’s Heart rather than Shepherding a Child’s Heart because it really does not matter what age you are or whether you have children.

The point and focus of the book has immediate application for any reader regardless of their season of life.

God did a wonderful work in my heart through the reading of this book as I learned to put into practice the following truths:

• The foundation for change must be rooted in the Gospel. This starting point will affect my ending point.
• You never ask if you are worshiping, but who or what are you worshiping.
• There have been many shaping influences in my life that have oriented me in very specific ways.
• My goal and primary focus must be toward God rather than anything else.
• The starting place for change is not external behavior, but my heart.
• Correction is not primarily about the parent or the child, but about God.
• The event of salvation is not the goal as much as the nurturing process toward salvation and beyond.

There are many more truths, practicums, warnings and encouragements in Tedd’s book that make it a must read for anyone. I also recommend you read it slowly rather than “just another book to get through.” Every now and then God gives us a book that stands the test of time because of its grounded theology and practical wisdom.

Shepherding a Child’s Heart is such a book.

Tedd’s little brother, Paul, has written the companion book for parents of teenagers, called Age of Opportunity. I have read this book as well and have found this tandem of books to be essential in child-rearing.

This post is the last in a series of posts on troubled teens. To read the previous posts in this series, click on any of the links below.

• Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
• Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
• Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
• Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
• Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
• Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
• Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
• Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
• Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
• Kid Help is Here, 10.0

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

Bill and Mary are at the end of their rope. Robby has been in full-tilt rebellion for five years now. They have tried everything. They’ve seen four counselors thus far. They have gotten back into church. They’ve talked with their friends and have checked out a teen camp for boys.

They have also tried the threat, guilt, condemnation and shame approaches to get Robby to change. Nothing has worked.

Now they are talking with you. What will you say? How do you want to serve them?

One of the more challenging counseling situations is “third party change.” Person A comes to Person B asking help for Person C. The problem with this counseling scenario is that Robby is not asking for help.

Counseling works when the person who needs counseling wants counseling and is willing to do most anything to change. You cannot seek counseling for somebody else. This is no different than seeking out a dietician for your friend who is overweight.

Your friend is going to have to humble himself and seek help. You cannot change a person who is not looking to change, willing to change or does not believe they need to change.

In most cases “forced counseling” contexts are not successful.

When the Prodigal “came to his senses” (See Luke 15:17) he was ready and willing to change. God granted repentance and the young man began to change.

It’s a timing thing

Theologically, change cannot happen until there is repentance. But when repentance does come, you can expect change.

If you can tell me when a person is going to repent, I can tell you when he will change, but until that time, your focus and hope must be in something else, rather than your unwilling, unchanging son.

Quick tips for stressful parents

1. Worship God: Aggressively love and worship the Savior during this time of trial. Only God can bring comfort when your children are walking in rebellion.
2. Hope in God: Remember your story of redemption! God saved you. He can save your son too. The point of the Gospel is to seek and to save those who are lost. Let your own response to the Gospel bring encouragement to your soul.
3. Rest in God: Guard your heart from the temptation of “becoming the Holy Spirit.” You cannot force anyone to live righteously. Repentance is a gift from God that he grants to whom he wants, when he wants.
4. Trust God: Your goal is not to keep your child from pain and suffering as much as it is to get him to God. Sometimes, in God’s wisdom, he allows some to endure specific pain and suffering as they make their way to him.
5. Imitate God: God is encouraging, not negative. It is the kindness of God that leads to repentance. (See Rom. 2:4) Your son should be more aware of your encouragement than you condemnation. This does not mean you never bring a corrective to your child, but your primary speech patterns should be encouragement.
6. Repent to God: Your son may not be willing to change, but you can. Allow your friends to speak truth to you. Receive their “truth in love” and ask how you can practically and specifically change.
7. Pray to God: Never stop seeking God for help during this time. Ask and you shall receive, but be prepared that what you receive might not be what you desired. Be open to God’s work in your life during this season.

Read this story about a rebellious teen that God saved many years after his teenage years.

Other articles in this series

• Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
• Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
• Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
• Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
• Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
• Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
• Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
• Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
• Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
• Kid Help is Here, 10.0

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

In the early 1900′s Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung were on a boat, heading toward America. Sigmund leaned over to Carl and said, “We’re going to change the world.”

Two Men Who Changed the Local Church

For example, according to Ephesians 4:11, God gave four gifts to the church. In the 20th Century that number was expanded to five. It used to be Apostle, Prophet, Evangelist & Pastor/teacher. But now it is Apostle, Prophet, Evangelist, Pastor/teacher and Counselor.

Mission accomplished! The pastor has been marginalized and the counselor has taken his place. Prior to the counseling movement foisting itself onto the local church, the “preacher” was the qualified helper for those with sanctification issues.

Today is a new day in the helping profession. Counseling is the mantra and sadly, many people in the local church, beginning with shepherds (pastors), agree that helping people needs to be given to the “professional”.

I have written extensively on the problems of the counseling movement in my posts called Inherent Liabilities of Counseling

A case in point: The Rebel Teenager

Unfortunately, by the time the parent calls regarding her rebellious teen, it is typically months or years too late for the kid to change within the timeframe the parent hopes. The sinful-shaping influences of the parents and the rebellion of the child has created a situation that an abbreviated season of counseling does not usually resolve.

And the bible does not place that kind of pressure or expectation on a person to fix someone in sixty days or less. Truthfully, the bible does not give us a context of sanctification that is that short in duration.

The bible’s timeline for sanctification is from new birth to glory and the context for this sanctification is the local church. If the counselor is not working within these biblical guidelines then he/she is standing in a biblically awkward place.

To expect the counselor to “fix my kid” is not only unreasonable and impractical, but it is sub-biblical. You cannot make a strong biblical case for counseling the way it is being carried out in the majority of counseling methods today.

If there is not a high view of the local church, a proper understanding of repentance, and a call for all Christians to disciple rather than a few “professionals” to counsel, then the counseling organization is wrong-headed while trying to sustain itself on less than biblical grounds.

Change does come to many of these rebellious teens, but not usually through a three to eight week series of counseling sessions. Change can come to dad, mom and child over time, through weeks, months and years of evangelism and discipleship in the context of a local church.

If you want a person to get well physically, he goes to the doctor, makes regular visits, follows the prescription/advice of the physician, and has a lifelong relationship with the medical community. It is not “one and done”. That is not wise.

In the spiritual realm, the analogy is similar. The “hospital” is the local church and if your kid embeds himself in the local church and follows the prescriptions, there will be change that will last a lifetime. But it cannot be a season.

Other articles in this series

• Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
• Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
• Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
• Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
• Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
• Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
• Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
• Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
• Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
• Kid Help is Here, 10.0

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

After two hours of counseling, Peter asked me if I was ever going to talk about God. I asked him what he meant and he said,

We have been talking for two hours and you haven’t said anything about God. When are you going to talk about God?

I said to Peter, “Well now, since you have brought it up, let’s talk. Tell me what you think about God? …about religion? …about your church?

The conversation was intentionally directed that way because Peter had an assumption about what the counseling was going to be like and he had braced himself not to submit to his parent’s or his counselor’s wishes.

There were two things Peter expected when he arrived for his initial session

1. It is three against one: dad, mom and this stranger are ganging up on me.
2. The counselor is about to “ram the bible down my throat”.

Most counselors know that the early sessions with a rebellious teen will be met with some resistance. The angry teen will, if he can, put the counselor at a disadvantage when the teen first comes to counseling. Additionally, if the counseling is Christian counseling, the teen will more than likely be resistant to God as well.

I have found it prudent not to do the expected thing in the early sessions with an angry teen. Rather than being on the defensive by reacting to the teen, the counselor can choose not to respond according to the teens expectations and, thus, take an offensive approach to the session.

This approach with the teen more times than not will help disarm resistance.

The counselor may be tempted toward impatience, by rushing things, in his attempt to present God’s solutions to the kid. This could be an unwise approach.

A better approach would be to build a bridge to the teen. Relate to him. Listen to him. Ask him questions. Work on the  counselor/counselee relationship first. The teen did not get this messed overnight and there is no need to press him into a religious response during the first session.

If the teen does sense that you are “forcing the religion issue”, his defenses may go up and your good intentions can backfire.

You will also need to carefully walk the mother through your philosophy of counseling. Typically she will have similar impatience  because she is at the end of her rope with the teen and craves immediate results.

Parents may expect you to “fix” their child in one or two sessions, what they have helped shape through 15 years of unresolved issues. It is an unreasonable expectation from them and you’ll have to help them think about a longer vision for change.

Other articles in this series

• Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
• Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
• Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
• Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
• Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
• Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
• Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
• Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
• Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
• Kid Help is Here, 10.0

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

At the end of the day, it does not matter why you have a rebellious teen or what your role has been in shaping a teen toward rebellion. When all is said and done, you have a rebellious teen and that teen will have to repent to make things right with you and God.

You Can’t play the blame game

None of us are allowed a free pass when it comes to sinning. Though I can give you a long list of the reasons why I was a rebel, none of them are acceptable to God.

• My daddy verbally and physically abused me.
• My brothers did not like me and they picked on me unceasingly.
• Some of my school teachers were critical and assumed the worst of me.
• The cool folks in school didn’t hang with me because I wasn’t cool enough for them.
• My assistant principal told me what a sorry kid I was.
• Our neighbors gossiped their brains out about us Thomas boys.
• No one seemed to give us a chance.
• Therefore, I met their expectations.

It would be easy for me to give reasons why I rebelled. But the truth is I chose to sin. Though it brought temporary relief to my conscience to blame others, the truth was no one made me sin. It was an act of my will. And, to be honest, I enjoyed the fleeting pleasures of my sinful choices.

There were many years where I blamed my dad, mom, brothers, friends and various authority figures in my life for my rebellious choices. I was angry. I was dead wrong. I sinned because I was a sinner. It was my choice.

Things to think about with a rebellious teen

If you have a rebellious sinner on your hands, here are some things you need to consider:

• What has your role been in shaping your son or daughter toward sinful tendencies? You must be honest with yourself. You are not perfect. You and your spouse have sinned in many ways in your marriage and parenting. You may need to ask close friends to help you with this. It is the rare person who has a sober assessment of himself/herself.
• Don’t overly personalize your child’s anger toward you. You’ve probably noticed that your rebellious child can control his/her temper in certain contexts. There are places your kid goes where he/she does not act out in anger. They can comply and follow the rules. They just do not do it with you. They get angry with you because they know they can.
• However, if you take their anger personally and respond back in anger or criticalness, you will only compound matters. Do not create this kind of distraction. One more sin, in addition to the initial sin, causes everyone to lose focus.
• Your kid loves you! He or she is aware that he/she can get away with being angry at you. Your kid is also struggling. Stay focused on the heart of your teen, not the behavior that is frustrating you.

Things your teen may be struggling with

Here is a short list of things your child could be struggling with. It is imperative that you focus on these things rather than responding sinfully because you’re not getting what you want or your feelings are hurt.

• Fear: this is a huge problem for teens. They are constantly comparing themselves to others and are desperately seeking to fit in. Typically the more insecure they are, the more desperate they are and their friend choices can be horrible.
• Confusion: they don’t understand God. He is distant, mysterious and from their perspective, he is inattentive to what they are going through. Be careful how you try to push them toward God when they are suspicious or afraid of him.
• Experimentation: they are not satisfied or content with who they are and where they are in life. There is an emptiness inside and they go from one idol to the next trying to solve this frustrating mystery. This is part of why you see so much anger. They not only cannot get what they want, but they are unsure as to what they want.
• Discouragement: they are starving for encouragement. It is easy for a parent to get into the “nit-pic” mode and forget to encourage. This is part of the reason the teen will accept anyone as a friend as long as they don’t put them down and will encourage or accept them.
• Despair: after a while of hopeless searching the teen gives up. This is despair or depression. From their perspective they have exhausted all their options, so they begin a shutting down process. Unfortunately, medications are typically prescribed at this point. This only masks the root problems, while altering the behavior.

Here is a list of some of the “idols of the heart” a rebel teen can struggle with

• Fear
• Acceptance
• Respect
• Significance
• Approval
• Comfort
• Pleasure
• Self-sufficiency
• Control

You must understand the cravings of the heart (idols) in order to help them in their behavior.

Other articles in this series

• Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
• Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
• Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
• Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
• Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
• Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
• Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
• Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
• Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
• Kid Help is Here, 10.0

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

Betty has been dealing with a passive husband since Peter, their 15-year old, was born. She has tried everything from “grinning and bearing it” to nagging her husband into helping out around the house.

No approach has worked and now Peter is in full-tilt rebellion. Betty calls you for help.

Though the story line can be a bit different from family to family, this story line, with variation, is all-to-common in counseling. It is one of the toughest counseling contexts to counsel.

When truth and sin are mixed, the challenge is how to point out the sin without being insensitive to the truth. It will be easy to offend Betty because she will be holding more onto the truth than her role in the sin.

Betty is correct. She is right. She is telling the truth. Her husband has been a jerk and her kid is rebelling. To make matters worse, Peter is mostly blaming Betty for why things are so dysfunctional in the home. She feels outnumbered, helpless and hopeless.

However, she is not a victim. She has contributed, in part, to the problem. Her truth and her sin is tangled and as a biblical counselor, you have the task of walking her through what is right as well as where she needs to change.

In many cases this is hard for a worn-out and bitter mom to hear

It is difficult to tell a mom, who you do not know, that part of the problem lies with her and her poor relationship with her husband. The first place where change needs to take place is with the parents, not with the teen. The counselor knows this. The mom knows this. The teen certainly knows this. And maybe the dad knows this. But somehow there is a hope and a prayer that the kid will change without the parents changing.

Though I do not believe that anyone is truly a victim, it is true that people can be hurt by others. Unfortunately our American culture is, in large part, a culture of easily offended victims and it is no longer acceptable to bring corrective judgments to others. You most certainly do not bring correctives to someone who is hurting.

But in order to get through this counseling situation where God is glorified, the hurting wife must know there are things she is doing wrong. Unfortunately, she is the only one who is seeking help. Though it is necessary for her husband to change, the sad news is that he is not seeking counseling.

The careful counselor must balance grace with truth. You offer hope and practical care, but you cannot ignore the adjustments that need to be made in the mom’s life.

Other articles in this series

• Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
• Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
• Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
• Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
• Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
• Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
• Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
• Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
• Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
• Kid Help is Here, 10.0

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

Ricky was born into a dysfunctional home.

His dad was an angry drunk and his mom was a bitter adulteress. His brothers were constantly in trouble and the patterns for his life seemed pre-determined.

He began smoking cigarettes by the time he was twelve. At thirteen he was shoplifting and smoking marijuana. By the time he was 15 he was arrested for breaking into his local high school for which he stayed in jail for five days.

Because he was a minor, he only received 2 years probation. At fifteen everyone who could help him had given up on him.

There was one person, however, who had not given up on him. And at 25-years old God interrupted Ricky’s rebellion and regenerated his soul. He began a life of transformation.

There were no more drugs, alcohol, filthy language or bad companions. His desires were changing. He was attending local church meetings, telling others about his Savior, hanging out on Saturday night with other Christians and Bible reading. He also felt the pangs of guilt when he sinned. This was something he never felt before. And the best of all was his passion and exuberance for Christ was growing day by day.

Lucy was born into a Christian home.

Unlike Ricky, her home was characterized by quietness. It was so early in life, that she cannot remember the first time she went to Sunday school, Vacation Bible School and Christian Camps. Family vacations and family traditions were the norm.

She made a profession of faith when she was five. Her biggest known sin was stealing bubble gum when she was eight. She repented immediately and never did anything like that again. She was the model kid.

As a child she went to a Christian school. She served on all the appropriate committees. She also graduated from a Christian university. Lucy had friends who were boys, but never dated. She was a virgin when she eventually married. She would be every parent’s desire for a child.

She met all the assumptions and expectations of kids who live in christianized homes.

Ricky and Lucy get married

Shortly after their marriage Lucy gradually became angry at Ricky. Through many months of discussion, Lucy admitted that she was envious of Ricky’s passion for the Savior. Though Lucy made a profession of faith as a kid she was never gripped or profoundly affected by the Gospel.

She would later say that she felt “God got a good deal when he got me.” Though she knew it was wrong to think this way, from a practical and emotive perspective she lived her Christian life in this self-righteous manner.

Ricky’s rebellion was well-documented. Lucy’s was not.

From a cursory, behavioral perspective Lucy would be characterized as a good kid. She now believes that her version of Christianity as a child was closer to a “method” to keep her out of trouble than a gripping and transforming reality.

At the end of the day, Ricky knew he was a sinner saved by the grace of God and Lucy was a good kid saved by the grace of God. Lucy did not understand the Gospel because she did not understand her sin.

Behaviorally she was a better kid, but from an Adamic perspective she was just as wicked as Ricky and just as needy of a Savior as Ricky.

From an Adamic perspective there is no difference between Hitler, Stalin, Ricky & Lucy. Once Lucy understood this, then the Gospel began to take on a deeper meaning as well as practical outworking in her life.

Ricky began to be transformed by the Gospel at twenty-five. Lucy began to be transformed by the Gospel at thirty-five. They were two rebellious teens. One was regenerated and the other was not. Ricky’s rebellion against God was obvious to all. Lucy’s rebellion against God was masked by her legalism. They both are now living in the good of the transforming Gospel.

The story above is true and it is our story, Rick and Lucia Thomas.

Other articles in this series

• Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
• Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
• Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
• Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
• Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
• Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
• Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
• Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
• Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
• Kid Help is Here, 10.0

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

While downtown at a local family event a lady commented on how nice, polite and cooperative our kids were. Then she said,

Enjoy them now because when they become teenagers it will all change.

Her perspective, based on her personal observations and experiences, was that teen rebellion is an unavoidable part of every family’s life.

Recently I was counseling parents of a rebellious teen. And the dad said,

He’s no different than any other teenager. When I was a teen I did some of the things that he is doing. He’ll be okay after he sows his wild oats.

This is called a false continuum. A continuum is a predetermined sequence of events where the elements along the path logically build one upon another. According to the two people above, they believe all kids become teenagers and  all teenagers live in rebellion. This is a false continuum.

For them the sequence of events logically build one upon another and the conclusion is unavoidable rebellion.

A Christ-centered worldview would say this is not true. Sinful, rebellious kids do not have to grow into sinful, rebellious teens or adults. Teenagers can be rebellious, but it is not because they are teens. It is because they are sinners. And the bible has the answer for all sinners who sin, whether the sinner is young or old.

If unavoidable rebellion is the outcome for all teenagers, whether saved or not, then there is no hope for any of us and rebellion would be the logical course we all would follow.

To say we will live in unrestrained patterns of sin and this is the way things will be and it cannot be any other way is the hopeless sound of the Christ-less and defeated.

But Christ came to offer us the great sin-reversal.

His death on the Cross conquered sin once and for all and it is our abandonment to him and his finished work that breaks sinful patterns. By our initial repentance at salvation and on-going repentance in our sanctification the continuum of sinful patterns can be broken. We can be free from our sinful patterns of rebellion against God.

It is a contradiction for any of us to say, “I am a Christian” while expecting a life of unavoidable rebellion regardless of age. It is through the power of the Gospel that we receive an “alien righteousness” and along with the enablement of the Holy Spirit we break the continuum of sin in our lives. The Gospel makes all the difference.

On-going, unrepentant rebellion in a teen is a sign that the kid has never been regenerated. In such cases the parent, assuming the parent is a Christian, needs to look further than the surface, behavioral rebellion and seek to lead the kid to a Savior who will not only change the behavioral, surface rebellion the parents are worried about, but will also remove the roots of this rebellion.

This rebellion can be overcome through Him who has overcome the world.

Other articles in this series

• Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
• Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
• Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
• Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
• Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
• Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
• Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
• Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
• Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
• Kid Help is Here, 10.0

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

Several years ago Jeannie came to counseling because her daughter, Susi, was in serious rebellion. Susi was 12 at the time. As I began to unpack what was going on in the home, Jeannie told me that when Susi was five years old she asked her mom,

“Why does daddy love Johnny more than me?”  Johnny was her three-year old brother. This interpretative question led to the obvious question from me, “What does your parenting model look like?”

Jeannie simply explained that Bill spends more time with Johnny while Jeannie spends more time with Susi. Therefore, Susi logically concluded that, “Daddy loves Johnny, but does not love me.”

The above story is true, though the names have been changed and is a variation on a common theme frequently seen with troubled teens: a passive, distant dad while mom does the primary leading in the home.

It usually begins something like this…

Nearly all troubled teen counseling is initiated by the mom rather than the dad. While most dads work during the day and it is easier for the mom to make the phone call, it typically becomes apparent during the counseling that the dad is passive as it pertains to their parenting model while the mom is not.

Children need their dads stepping up to the plate. Their earliest theological understanding of who God is comes from a dad and his leadership style, regardless of what that style may be. There is a direct correlation between their interpretation of who God is and how their dad leads, loves and interacts with them.

Over the years I have counseled scores of teens in trouble. And almost without exception the patterns are clear and strikingly similar:

Conclusions and responses from kids with weak fatherly leadership

• A passive dad gives the impression that God is distant, preoccupied or disinterested
• A distant dad gives the impression that other things are more important than the kid
• The child of a distant dad will find other “companions” by the time he/she becomes a teenager
• The rebellious teen will be an angry teen because he/she knows this is not how it ought to be, but feels hopeless that the situation will ever change
• Children of distant, passive dads are insecure. They feel as though there is something wrong with them. Therefore, they will seek affirmation elsewhere. Consider Susi.

There were two other important things that Jeannie told me during that first session:

• She said Susi realized at an early age that she had a gift. It was her intellect. Susi is very smart.
• Jeannie also said that Susi is rebellious in every context of her life, except for one. She never rebells at school.

Susi learned early in life that she was smart, so when she began school, for the first time in her life, she received affirmation, encouragement and positive attention. Her teachers became her primary encouragers and motivators rather than her dad. This is why she does not rebel in school. School for Susi is the one place where she feels confident, secure and loved. It is her safe place.

To make matters worse, when she brings all “A’s” home on her report card, everyone applauds, congratulates and shows affection for her. As you can imagine, these moments are rare and isolated in the home. Therefore, the bad news is that no one discerns that they are applauding her idolatry. Susi is a little idolator: she craves love and when she does well in school, her craving is met. Her identity is being formed by her performance at school.

Her strength (intellect) has become her biggest weakness.

I told her mom that school is the one place where Susi will never cause a problem. She probably will become a “professional student”. However, Susi is angry, insecure, fearful and craving attention from her dad. In such cases, this craving for attention that has been shaped wrongly in her will, as she gets older, more than likely be directed toward guys rather than her teachers.

As you can probably surmise, it would be virtually impossible to help Susi until the parents repent. Until this happens, rarely can a troubled teen successfully walk through their situational difficulty because of the strong negative-shaping influences that have been pressed upon the kid by a poor parenting model. To further complicate matters, the parents are asking the teen to do what they are not willing to do, i.e. change.

More times than not, a teenager is not mature enough to change first. Typically, everyone involved endure through the teenage years. Possibly, at some time in the future, the kid will repent.

Other articles in this series

• Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
• Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
• Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
• Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
• Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
• Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
• Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
• Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
• Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
• Kid Help is Here, 10.0

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site