Sue had sex with Bill before they were married. Now they are having problems 15 years later. Truth be known, they have been having problems all along.
While counseling Sue and Bill, I asked them if they had sex together before they were married. I don’t know what the percentages are, but the overwhelming number of couples I see for marriage counseling have had consensual sex before they married one another. Their fornicating as teens is not all of their problems, but there is typically a thin line that courses back through their marriage and is connected in some way to their unresolved infidelity.
Hiding Sin Causes the Conscience to Take Its Revenge
Because the fornication issue was never resolved, their ignoring of the problem has led to their own versions of dealing with the problem. Here is a sampling of some of the twisted processes Sue has gone through, in her head, in order to make amends for her teenage indiscretion.
- Lying: I’ve tried ignoring our sin
- Guilt: I’ve done wrong
- Blame: He did wrong and he is going to pay
- Self-Loathing: I’ve done wrong so I’m going to pay by punishing myself
- Anorexia: same as the self-loathing response
- Atonement: I’ve done wrong and I must pay for this
- Anger: He did wrong and I’m mad
- Fear: I’ve done wrong and God is mad with me
- Repent: I’ve never really done that, don’t know how
- Forgiveness: I’ve never really done that, don’t want to
- Freedom: I’ve never really known that
- Hopelessness: It seems too late for hope
- Manipulation: I use sex as a weapon to punish Bill
- Mistrust: I don’t trust what Bill says. He defrauded me
- Cynicism: I don’t trust God. He let this happen
- Shame: I don’t want to talk about it with God, Bill or others
- Regret: I wish, I wish, I wish, ad nausea…
Sin is real and it has to be dealt with in biblical ways. Bill and Sue have made a choice not to confront this particular sin head on. Instead they have used various forms of denials, justifications and rationalizations. But sin will not be fooled. Sin will exact a payment from someone. It must. It’s an unalterable law. This is the beauty and glory of Christ’s death on the Cross. Sin was paid for! We can repent and accept the payment Christ made on the Tree.
The Revenge of the Conscience
Sadly, Bill and Sue have chosen to let sin exact its payment from them instead of Christ. The side effects of letting sin have its way with you is a hardened conscience. Your conscience is God’s kindness to you to let you know you need to respond to sin. But if you choose not to respond to your sin biblically, through repentance, then the hardening process takes place. At that point you enter into self-deception through various forms of lying. (See the list above.) This allows you to hold on to your sin and live with yourself. A hardened conscience is man’s way to cope with his unrepentant sin.
The conscience has been taking its revenge on Bill and Sue for fifteen years.
Look here for other articles on the conscience
- Investigating Legalism
- The Conscience: Friend or Foe
- Why I Struggle with Secret Sin
- Scripture or Conscience: Which do we obey?
- Re-Categorizing My Problems
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A number of years ago I was counseling this couple who seemed as though they could not get along. They really disliked one another. I asked the wife what was wrong with the marriage and she began with a very clear and long list of all the ways her husband had failed her.

