Sue had sex with Bill before they were married. Now they are having problems 15 years later. Truth be known, they have been having problems all along.

While counseling Sue and Bill, I asked them if they had sex together before they were married. I don’t know what the percentages are, but the overwhelming number of couples I see for marriage counseling have had consensual sex before they married one another. Their fornicating as teens is not all of their problems, but there is typically a thin line that courses back through their marriage and is connected in some way to their unresolved infidelity.

Hiding Sin Causes the Conscience to Take Its Revenge

Because the fornication issue was never resolved, their ignoring of the problem has led to their own versions of dealing with the problem. Here is a sampling of some of the twisted processes Sue has gone through, in her head, in order to make amends for her teenage indiscretion.

• Lying: I’ve tried ignoring our sin
• Guilt: I’ve done wrong
• Blame: He did wrong and he is going to pay
• Self-Loathing: I’ve done wrong so I’m going to pay by punishing myself
• Anorexia: same as the self-loathing response
• Atonement: I’ve done wrong and I must pay for this
• Anger: He did wrong and I’m mad
• Fear: I’ve done wrong and God is mad with me
• Repent: I’ve never really done that, don’t know how
• Forgiveness: I’ve never really done that, don’t want to
• Freedom: I’ve never really known that
• Hopelessness: It seems too late for hope
• Manipulation: I use sex as a weapon to punish Bill
• Mistrust: I don’t trust what Bill says. He defrauded me
• Cynicism: I don’t trust God. He let this happen
• Shame: I don’t want to talk about it with God, Bill or others
• Regret: I wish, I wish, I wish, ad nausea…

Sin is real and it has to be dealt with in biblical ways. Bill and Sue have made a choice not to confront this particular sin head on. Instead they have used various forms of denials, justifications and rationalizations. But sin will not be fooled. Sin will exact a payment from someone. It must. It’s an unalterable law. This is the beauty and glory of Christ’s death on the Cross. Sin was paid for! We can repent and accept the payment Christ made on the Tree.

The Revenge of the Conscience

Sadly, Bill and Sue have chosen to let sin exact its payment from them instead of Christ. The side effects of letting sin have its way with you is a hardened conscience. Your conscience is God’s kindness to you to let you know you need to respond to sin. But if you choose not to respond to your sin biblically, through repentance, then the hardening process takes place. At that point you enter into self-deception through various forms of lying. (See the list above.) This allows you to hold on to your sin and live with yourself. A hardened conscience is man’s way to cope with his unrepentant sin.

The conscience has been taking its revenge on Bill and Sue for fifteen years.

Look here for other articles on the conscience

• Investigating Legalism
• The Conscience: Friend or Foe
• Why I Struggle with Secret Sin
• Scripture or Conscience: Which do we obey?
• Re-Categorizing My Problems

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One of the most difficult counseling situations is a woman in a bad marriage where the husband refuses to repent and it is her biblical responsibility to stay in the marriage.

The counselor is juxtaposing two biblical and challenging truths: freedom in prison. Paul said in Philippians 1:12, as he was reflecting upon his prison sentence…

I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel

Don’t Be Cruel

The counselor will have to guard his heart from going into bible-verse-dispensing-mode. This is a restoration process that calls for compassion. Additionally, the counselor must not only have a firm grip on the Gospel, but he must understand how the Gospel practically applies to this lady, who needs to know that she can walk in the Savior’s steps with supernatural joy.

Furthermore, the desperate housewife needs to repent. This is the hard part. It’s like coming up on a wreck in the intersection and asking the one who is hurting to repent. While extending grace, hope and compassion, you must be clear and practical on how to lead her from her prison to freedom, while staying in the marriage.

Practical Application

Repentance: She needs to repent of her sin. There never has been a bad marriage where one partner is innocent. Since Adam and Eve blew up in the Garden, every marriage has had two participating sinners who have sinned against each other. No one is free from sin. She needs to list her sin contribution in the marriage and repent in the appropriate ways the bible teaches.

Friendship: She needs a female friend to walk her through this process. This friend should be in the local church. There is no better context on God’s earth than the local church to restore a soul. Just as the hospital is for the physically hurting, the local church is for the spiritually hurting.

Discipleship: She does not need counseling; she needs to be discipled in the context of the local church. Teach her how to listen and practically apply the Sunday sermon in her life. Have her join a small group, preferably the one her lady friend attends. Invite her husband to come along. Begin a “ground up” restoration process within her local church.

Gospelize: She needs to be “Gospelized” on a daily basis. Each day she must “marinate” her mind in the good news, which is Christ. She needs to know that God is for her and the starting and sustaining place for this understanding and practice is the Gospel.

Here are some suggestions to help her accomplish this:

1. Praying throughout the day, with an emphasis on gratitude for God’s victory on the Cross
2. Listening to Gospel-Centered music
3. Socializing with Gospel-Centered friends
4. Reading Gospel-Centered materials

Prayer: Going to the Father on her behalf is the most powerful and resourceful weapon you have. He is also her best Friend. Encourage her to talk to Him as you talk to Him.

Reconcile: Ask God to give you an opportunity to build a bridge to her husband. Befriend him. Love him. Pursue him. Be patient with him. Like the Prodigal Son, he may come to Christ in repentance.

Illustration of a Lady Living in Freedom While in Prison

I have a friend who lived in open adultery for 18-years. He was unregenerate and was not shy about the sin he lived in. His wife, who knew most of his sin, chose to honor God by staying in the marriage. It was supernatural. Her husband repented of his sin in June 1988. He has faithfully loved and served his family in the context of a local church since that time.

Other posts in this series

• Desperate Housewife & Her Theology
• Desperate Housewife & the Gospel
• Desperate Housewife & Faith
• Desperate Housewife & Fear, Anger, Ignorance
• Desperate Housewife & Suffering
• Desperate Housewife: Freedom in Captivity

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

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“This is not what I signed up for!”

Julie had an idea of what marriage should be like. After several years with Bob however, her dream had been shattered.

You can read her Case Study here: Exchanging Prisons: From Singleness to Marriage.

Paul Miller in his book, A Praying Life, said…

[Our culture] shapes our responses to the world, and we find ourselves demanding a pain-free life. Our can-do attitude is turning into relentless self-centeredness.

Julie has drifted so far from the Gospel that she now believes she deserves better than what she has. The Gospel informs us that we all deserve hell and anything better than hell is a plus. Because Julie is a Christian, she is doing far better than she deserves, but she wants more.

Unfortunately for Julie she has fallen into the “American Christian” attitude trap that does not accommodate suffering. She prefers Joel Osteen over the Apostle Paul. Listen to Paul:

For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake. -Philippians 1:29

You won’t hear Philippians 1:29 in your Evangelism 101 Class. Paul says that there are two gifts at salvation; the first gift is faith in Christ and the second is personal suffering. Not only does God give you the gift of salvation, but he gives you the gift of suffering.

But the gift of suffering is un-American!

What Would Jesus Do?

The Apostle Peter said it another way:

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. -1 Peter 2:21

Most of the people who wore the rubber WWJD? bracelets in the 90’s did not know that the idea came from 1 Peter 2:21. Typically when people talk about their calling, they do not reference this passage. Paul was clear. Peter was clear. It is clear that suffering is part of our calling.

After Peter finished his “theology of suffering” passage, he began his next section with the conjunction “likewise”. A conjunction, grammatically, joins two thoughts. Peter was joining what he had just said (2:18-25) to what he was about to say to the wives (3:1-6), who have husbands who are unresponsive to God.

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. -1 Peter 3:1-2

Peter brings New Testament theological view of suffering into our post-modern living room. Julie needs to come to grips with a Christian’s view of suffering. Julie needs to repent.

Other posts in this series

• Desperate Housewife & Her Theology
• Desperate Housewife & the Gospel
• Desperate Housewife & Faith
• Desperate Housewife & Fear, Anger, Ignorance
• Desperate Housewife & Suffering
• Desperate Housewife: Freedom in Captivity

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

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Julie used to be single. Now she is married. Her decision to marry was motivated, to a degree, by her unwillingness to wait on God’s timing. Now she is in a horrible marriage and has no hope. You are counseling her.

You can read her Case Study here: Exchanging Prisons from Singleness to Marriage.

In your last counseling session you unpacked her lack of faith in God. You have brought her to the place where she realizes that her husband, Bob, is a secondary issue. Her primary problem is a longstanding, diminutive relationship with God.

Julie’s sin pattern of self-sufficiency came out in the last session. Her self-sufficiency manifests when she chooses not to trust God in the moment. She takes matters into her own hands, controls the situation and makes the decision. This is what happened while she and Bob were courting.

They had dated for two years. There were signs that things were not right, but at 28 she felt it was too late to start over again.

• She wasn’t sure how long it would take to find another guy.
• She wasn’t sure if there would be another guy.
• She didn’t want to wait to find another guy and go through the dating process again.
• She was also concerned about what others thought. “Why break-up with Bob?” they would say, “You all make such a cute couple.”

She later said,

Even as I was walking down the aisle, looking at Bob, I knew he was not the right guy. But what are you to do? The waiting, the two years of dating, the plans for the wedding and the expectations from friends and family. Though I was not at peace about it, I felt God would make it right. He hasn’t and I’m pretty upset about it.

From the last session, you concluded she had a beef with God. She chose her version of good rather than trusting God. She had diminutive faith. She was not going to “jump into her daddy’s arms” and let him make the decision.

The Faith Killers

There are three primary reasons Julie is unwilling to exercise full faith in God.

Fear – at some level in her soul, she is afraid of God. If she makes a commitment to follow him regardless of what it costs or wherever it may take her, she thinks she might not get what she really wants. She believes that if she fully trusted God that he would take her further than she’d ever want to go and ask her to do more than she’d ever want to do.

Therefore, she does not trust God. In the Old Testament he is called a “terrible” God. And he is, in that context. In C. S. Lewis’ book, The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe, there was a conversation between the Beavers and Lucy about Aslan, the picture of Christ in the book. It went like this, as Lucy asked,

“Then he isn’t safe?” “Safe? Who said anything about safe? Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

Julie intuitively knows that God is not safe and, therefore, she chooses to take matters into her own self-sufficient hands.

Anger – when Julie was asked about anger toward God, she immediately replied disdainfully that she could never be angry with God. When the matter was explored a bit more, she relented some, realizing that maybe she was angry with God.

Most Christians hear the word anger and think more along the lines of explosions. However, most Christians do not struggle this way. Some do, but most do not. The anger you were talking to her about was a “low grade fever” anger that runs under the surface, only to manifest itself during times of intense tension.

Typically, their anger is more about their disappointment with God than anything else. Julie was too christianized to say she was ticked off at God, but with more reflection she did admit she was quite disappointed that she was 28 and not married. God did not come through for her. Julie is an angry lady.

Ignorance – this word is not meant in a pejorative way, but a simple unknowing of some very important things about God. She had not been properly discipled and, therefore, she had come to some very poor conclusions.

After a couple of hours of counseling, it became clear that Julie was struggling, at different levels, with all three of these faith killers. She now sees why she was unwilling to wait and trust God, but chose rather to take matters into her own hands.

Other posts in this series

• Desperate Housewife & Her Theology
• Desperate Housewife & the Gospel
• Desperate Housewife & Faith
• Desperate Housewife & Fear, Anger, Ignorance
• Desperate Housewife & Suffering
• Desperate Housewife: Freedom in Captivity

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Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

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Julie is trapped in a bad marriage. You can read her Case Study here: Exchanging Prisons from Singleness to Marriage.

You, the counselor, are attempting to rebuild her way of thinking about God while living out her thoughts in practical ways that bring glory to him. After the initial session you determined that the primary problem was her poor theology. The truth is, you understand that all our problems find their root cause in our understanding and practice of God.

• In session two you began to address her theology.
• In session three you dealt with the Gospel
• In this session you want to address her diminutive faith in God

Theology, Gospel & Faith Illustrated

A number of years ago I was teaching in a church meeting. Part of the lesson was an illustration using my then two-year old son as the prop. The illustration was not rehearsed and my son had no idea he was going to be the day’s illustration.

I placed him on the communion table, stepped away from him and then asked him to jump into my arms. He did. I caught him. I placed him back on the table and asked him to jump again. He did. I caught him. He had faith in his daddy.

• My son knows who I am (Theology)
• My son has experienced goodness from me (Gospel)
• My son was willing to trust me, based on his understanding and experience of me (Faith)

• Theology gives me a basic understanding of my daddy
• Gospel communicates to me, in a profound way, that my daddy is good
• Faith is my willingness to trust my daddy during a time of testing, based on my understanding (Theology) and experience (Gospel) of him

What If Your Son Had Not Trusted You?

That is a good and necessary question to ask. If my son had not exercised faith, in the moment, by not jumping into my arms, then you would be compelled to ask the “why” question: Haydn, why didn’t you have faith in your father?

This is Julie’s core problem: she tends to fear more than trust. And when fear is ruling her heart, she will not exercise faith in God, but choose to take matters into her own hands. She says,

I do not understand what God is up to all the time. Sometimes I wonder if he is really good. When I get like this I tend to default to my understanding of what good is by taking matters into my own hands. God won’t come through, but I can.

In my son’s case, if he had not trusted me in the moment, he would have chosen to stay on the communion table. The table required little faith. The scary thing would be a leap into his daddy’s arms.

C. S. Lewis said it this way,

Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

Tomorrow’s post will deal with Julie’s three most common hindrances to faith in God.

Other posts in this series

• Desperate Housewife & Her Theology
• Desperate Housewife & the Gospel
• Desperate Housewife & Faith
• Desperate Housewife & Fear, Anger, Ignorance
• Desperate Housewife & Suffering
• Desperate Housewife: Freedom in Captivity

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

Julie is trapped in a bad marriage. You can read her Case Study here: Exchanging Prisons: From Singleness to Marriage.

You can also read her first counseling session here: Desperate Housewife & Her Theology. The word Theology means the Study of God.

Once you unpack and walk her through her understanding of and relationship with God, or what is called Theology Proper, you will now want to introduce her to the Gospel. The Gospel sits upon her view of God or Theology Proper. You are rebuilding from the ground up.

(Note: Julie will not be satisfied with your approach. She wants real and practical answers today. Though she has spent 20 years messing her life up, she wants a fix NOW. Impulsivity, impatience and anger will be three sin issues that you will have to deal with as you do reconstructive counseling.)

She will tell you that she understands the Gospel, because that is how she became a Christian 23 years ago. And, on one level, she will be telling you the truth.

However, you are not talking about the Gospel as it pertains to salvation, though you never want to assume a person is a Christian. For the sake of this case study, we will say that Julie is a Christian and she gets the Gospel as it pertains to being born again. But she has a limited understanding of how the Gospel should be ruling her life as it pertains to her sanctification.

Though she knows better and would probably disagree with you, her functional theology would run along this line of thought:

You need the Gospel to get saved but you then live a life of obedience after you are saved. Rather than the biblical model, which says you need the Gospel for salvation and you need the Gospel for sanctification.

Julie has an academic understanding of Ephesians 2:8-9, but functionally she is a legalist. She is rule-oriented rather than relationally-oriented.

What is the Gospel?

If I wanted to use one word to describe the Gospel, the word would be Jesus. Jesus is the Gospel. When I asked Julie what the Gospel was, she said it was the good news. Though this is right in a sense, she never saw the Gospel as a person. The Gospel for her was more about a proclamation. This is why she believed the Gospel was for salvation (it was proclaimed) and could not see it as necessary for sanctification.

The Gospel is not a proclamation. It is a person! The person is Jesus. The Gospel is Jesus. Jesus is the Gospel.

If you want to expand your understanding of the Gospel, you could say it this way:

The Gospel is the person and work of Jesus Christ. The Gospel is the person of Christ and everything he has done in eternity past and everything he will do in eternity future and the centerpiece of all this activity is the Cross.

The Gospel has nothing to do with me or my response to it. The Gospel is Christ. Once Julie has this understanding, then you can begin to walk her through how she should respond to the Gospel/Christ.

How Does the Gospel Apply to Julie Today?

The Gospel is God’s most extravagant outpouring of his love to the world. There is nothing more profound that the Father could do to prove his love than the execution of his Son on the cross. The Gospel is God’s final and most complete answer to the question, “Is God good?”

He is good. He is profoundly good.

Unfortunately, though Julie will tell you that God is good, there is an objective disconnect between what she knows and how she lives. She has not and does not “marinate” her mind in the Gospel, in God’s goodness to her specifically. She has not consistently lived in the good of the Gospel. Her affection for Christ was sporadic during the good seasons and non-existent during the uber-dry times.

Because Julie does not have a comprehensive understanding the Gospel, she has a weak view of God’s goodness. To not experience God’s goodness on a daily basis will tempt you to find your own version of goodness. This is what Julie did. Rather than trusting and resting in the awareness that God is good, she trusted in her ability to find what she thought was good. She made an awful decision.

The concern now is that she will make another awful decision in her endless pursuit of goodness.

Other posts in this series

• Desperate Housewife & Her Theology
• Desperate Housewife & the Gospel
• Desperate Housewife & Faith
• Desperate Housewife & Fear, Anger, Ignorance
• Desperate Housewife & Suffering
• Desperate Housewife: Freedom in Captivity

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

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Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

Julie is trapped in a bad marriage. You can read her Case Study here: Exchanging Prisons from Singleness to Marriage.

One of the first things you want to unpack for Julie is her core and functional theology. What she believes about God and how she applies it will set her trajectory, not only for counseling success, but how she lives the rest of her life. Every issue that she will ever encounter will be founded upon and flow out of her theology; specifically how she thinks about and practically applies her thoughts of God to her life.

20 Questions

Question You May Want to Ask Her

1. How does God view you? How does he think about you?
2. What has been God’s role in the decisions you have made?
3. How do you think God is using these challenges in your life for his glory?
4. Do you believe God is punishing you for your decision to be married?
5. Were you trusting God with your decision to marry?
6. If yes to #5: how did you know it was God’s will?
7. If no to #5: why did you move forward and marry Bob?
8. Do you believe God is sovereign and what does his sovereignty mean in this situation?
9. Do you believe God is good and how is his goodness working out in this situation?
10. What is it about God that you are afraid of? Or, why is it hard for you to trust God?

Questions You May Not Want to Ask Directly, But You Need to Know

1. Does she tend toward self-sufficiency?
2. How does she think about guilt? And how does it play out in her life? …in her decisions?
3. Can she be forgiven and freed from sin or does she have to pay a penance for the bad things she has done? (Really flesh this out with many questions. We are all legalists to a degree.)
4. What does she fear and why? (We all fear. Find out how her fears have influenced her decision making, as well as how her fear influences her thoughts about the bad decisions she has made.)
5. Does she like being in control? (She does and you will need to find out how it works out in her life. Remember, control is man’s way of not trusting God.)
6. Does she believe if she does good, God will bless her, but if she does bad, God will not bless her? In short, does she believe her performance can measure God’s grace on her life?
7. What is her view of suffering? Does she believe God can use sin sinlessly? (Remember, the Cross is God’s most profound example of using sin for his glory. Joseph in Genesis 50:20 and Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 are two more examples.)
8. To what degree is she angry with God? (She is angry with God, whether she will admit this or not. You’ll have to guide her to this conclusion. She didn’t get what she wanted and now she is angry. Though she may disagree that her anger is directed toward God, it is illogical to be angry at our circumstances and not be angry with God. He is ultimately in control. She could not do this outside of his awareness and permission.)
9. What is it about God that she does not understand? What is “wrong” with God from her view? Why is it hard for her to trust him?
10. At what points does the Gospel not connect with her practical life? (This is the biggest and most challenging issue you will face with her.)

Articles You Will Want Her to Read

• God is NOT Safe
• Cursing the Sun: a better view of suffering
• The Greatest Game Ever Played: your life from God’s chair
• Your Enemy is God’s Kindness to You
• Suffering: God is There Before You Get There
• Suffering in This Life
• Suffering as Aliens

All of the questions. answers and articles above will give you and her a clearer picture of her core and functional theology. Once you get through this material, you will be able to help her connect where she is confused about God and how he works out in her life.

She cannot be struggling with these life issues and have a right understanding and practice of God. And you will not be able to help her for the long-term until her theology is adjusted to a God-centered theology. Currently she is Julie-centered and she is angry about it.

Other posts in this series

• Desperate Housewife & Her Theology
• Desperate Housewife & the Gospel
• Desperate Housewife & Faith
• Desperate Housewife & Fear, Anger, Ignorance
• Desperate Housewife & Suffering
• Desperate Housewife: Freedom in Captivity

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

Sometimes our friends in our culture stumble into our Truth. Though they do not totally understand or come to accurate solutions, they do come to realize, in their own way, what God has already told us.

It is rare to meet a couple, who has had sex before marriage, who does not have marriage problems. And, at times, those problems are not resolved for decades.

In almost all cases, the couple does not connect the dots that part of their problems are related to his lack of biblical leadership in the dating relationship and her unresolved anger about submitting to his poor leadership.

From FOX News

Couples who shack up before tying the knot are more likely to get divorced than their counterparts who don’t move in together until marriage, a new study suggests.

Upwards of 70 percent of U.S. couples are cohabiting these days before marrying, the researchers estimate.

The study, published in the February issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, indicates that such move-ins might not be wise.

And it’s not because you start to get on one another’s nerves. Rather, the researchers figure the shared abode could lead to marriage for all the wrong reasons.

Read the entire article HERE

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Self-Deception

Haydn, my five-year old, was recently playing himself in Tic-Tac-Toe and was stoked that he won more times than he lost. He’s nearly undefeated playing himself.

I do similarly in that I don’t understand things the way I should and it gives me a false sense of right, wrong and reality.

Limited Perspective

Recently Tristen, Haydn and I were talking about how long it would take to build I-85. Haydn said it would take 500 hundred days. Tristen, my seven-year old, immediately jumped in and corrected him. She said they would be dead if it took that long. She said it would take 19 days to build the Interstate.

And I do that also: my perspective on some things have certain limitations.

I’m a lot like my children. The only problem is that my deceptions and limitations are more serious than tic-tac-toe or guesstimates on road construction.

The Wisdom of Suspicion

I have benefited from Dave Harvey’s book, When Sinners Say “I Do” when it comes to my self-deception or limited perspective. Here’s a helpful quote from his book:

When you’re in a conflict with your spouse, or evaluating a past conflict, have you ever said (aloud or to yourself), “God knows my heart in this situation”? Was that a comforting or reassuring thought? Did you imagine that a divine examination of your deepest motives and desires would uncover nothing but the purest and most Christ-like intentions? If so, you were on a dangerous stretch of road with no guardrail at all, and probably well on your way to hurtling down into the bottomless canyon of self-deception. We’re talking crash and burn. But to live suspicious of your heart’s motivations, that’s safe spiritual driving.

Many marriage problems could move toward resolution if husband and wife actually lived as if they were “sinners” who said, “I do.” Sinners who are humble are growing more knowledgeable about their hearts.

Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say I Do, p. 64

Also read this helpful article called How to Respond to Criticism

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A number of years ago I was counseling this couple who seemed as though they could not get along. They really disliked one another. I asked the wife what was wrong with the marriage and she began with a very clear and long list of all the ways her husband had failed her.

I then turned to the husband and asked him about the state of his marriage and he, without flinching, laid out a similar long list of all the ways his wife had sinned against him.

Filled with hope at the wonderful memory this couple seemed to have I then turned back to the wife and asked her to give me a list of all the good things she appreciated about her husband as well as all the things he does well. I asked the husband for a similar list regarding his wife.

An amazing thing happened in that counseling session. Without warning and within seconds both spouses came down with the most severe case of amnesia. After a few minutes of halting and squirming, neither one of them could think of one thing good to say about the other.

I was amazed!

At that point I suggested a new approach to conflict resolution. I asked them to go home and make two lists.

List #1: Build a Log List

I asked each spouse to list all the ways they have personally failed in their marriage. And they could not add the word “but” to any of their reasons for failure. I asked them to think about overt as well as subtle points of selfishness.

I further recommended they carry a pad and pen with them so when they thought of how their selfish wickedness worked out in their marriage they could jot it down and add it to their list when they got back to the office or home. They were to leave nothing out. I suggested they think all the way back to the very first day they met.

List #2: Build a Grace List

Secondly, I asked them to think about and write down all the good things they liked about their spouse. Similarly, I asked them to carry a pen and pad, so when God reminded them of his kind work in the life of their spouse, they could jot that down to add to the list when they got back home.

Begin this practice at home

Our children are not allowed to gossip about their siblings. They are allowed, however, to tell us any good thing they see in their siblings. And if they feel the need to gossip, then they are permitted to tell me something they did wrong or any act of selfishness they observed in themselves.

Our aim, as a rule-of-thumb, is a 10 to 1 ratio between negative and positive comments in our home. Our hope for each day is that there are ten “Thank you” comments made to each corrective or negative comment. Our desire is to create an aroma of gratitude in the home.

• What does your home smell like?
• Are you more apt to catch someone doing good or bad?

Isn’t gratitude a primary manifestation of the Gospel? A person who realizes how bad he was before God saved him is a person who will have much gratitude.

But a person, like this married couple, who has a hard time thinking of anything to be thankful for in their spouse is a person who has little practical understanding of the Gospel.

If you would like to read more on this, please checkout these posts

• All Counseling Is Speck Fishing
• Anger’s Solution
• Exposed by the Cross

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