Mailbag: Hey Rick, my husband won’t lead; what am I to do? I have tried everything. I’ve left lists on the counter, sent him emails, called to follow-up, but nothing seems to work. My question to you is should I just do everything or let some things slide. I really do not know how to respond to him anymore. Help!!
This is one of the manifestations of the all-time, number one marriage counseling issue: passive husbands and non-passive wives. In my Weak Men/Strong Women article I stated that,
The number one all-time marriage counseling issue that I have dealt with is passive husbands and non-complementing wives. It is so far ahead of number two in counseling issues that I’m not sure what number two would be.
This is a very real struggle for women and it can lead to anger and bitterness in a hurry. Let me initially state a few obvious things that a wife should not do and then I’ll mention some things to consider:
Put Off
Disrespect – Your husband was placed in your life by God and you made a covenant when you married him. You guys are not two, but one flesh in the sight of God. To disrespect him is to disrespect God. Guard your heart from disrepect when you think about or talk to him. “…let the wife see that she respects her husband.” – Ephesians 5:33 (ESV)
Nag – I’m sure you knew I was going to say this. Don’t do it. ‘nough said. “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives—when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” – 1 Peter 3:1-2 (ESV)
Slander – This is one of the easier ways to sin against your husband. There is a process and a way to talk about him “behind his back.” Gossip or slander is not the way to do it. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV)
Put On
Gospel – The first thing I would do is remind myself of the Gospel. Christ modeled patience (and still does) with me. When I consider what I did to Christ and how he responds to me, it calms my heart when I think of others who are not doing what I want them to do. The Gospel levels the playing field, by giving me a proper perspective on myself and others.
Prayer – The best counseling advice in a situation like this is to pray. Pray for your husband and pray for yourself. Do it now! Ask God to guard your heart, while giving you practical strategies to serve your husband. And pray that God would do a Masterful work in your husband’s heart. “The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will.” – Proverbs 21:1 (ESV)
Kindness – God’s kindness, through the Gospel, is what changed you and me. God’s way of motivating folks to change is kindness, not various manipulations like guilt, shame, anger, and condemnation. Read more here: I Caught You…Again! “Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?” – Romans 2:4 (ESV)
Appeal - I’m sure you have already, but be sure to “appeal” to your husband. In the most non-confrontive moment you guys have, affirm your love and affection for him and then ask him if he would be willing to help you with some of the chores. You can make an appeal and if you are applying the Gospel to yourself, praying feverishly on behalf of your husband by asking God to do a work in his heart, then appeal to him to come alongside you in serving each other and your family.
Authority – There is a greater Authority above your husband Who you can appeal to if your husband will not cooperate. After you have gone to him in the spirit of Matthew 18:15-17 and he is unwilling to change, then you have the biblical mandate from God to go to the leadership of your church and appeal to them to help you.
Practical – And then there is the matter of chores undone. What should you do? Quite frankly, I would do as many as I could and trust God to help me until my marriage problems were rectified. I would not attempt to be super woman. I would do what I had to do in order to manage the household, serve your husband, and the kids, but I would not do the impossible.
See these related articles
- You are a leader!!
- Troubled teens and dads who lead poorly
- Ever considered modeling for a career?
- True leadership is balanced leadership
- One reason a man will not lead his wife
- Wife’s Role: Co-Co Dependent
- My husband never asks for forgiveness
- How am I to respond to someone who won’t change?
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