Several years ago Jeannie came to counseling because her daughter, Susi, was in serious rebellion. Susi was 12 at the time. As I began to unpack what was going on in the home, Jeannie told me that when Susi was five years old she asked her mom,
“Why does daddy love Johnny more than me?” Johnny was her three-year old brother. This interpretative question led to the obvious question from me, “What does your parenting model look like?”
Jeannie simply explained that Bill spends more time with Johnny while Jeannie spends more time with Susi. Therefore, Susi logically concluded that, “Daddy loves Johnny, but does not love me.”
The above story is true, though the names have been changed and is a variation on a common theme frequently seen with troubled teens: a passive, distant dad while mom does the primary leading in the home.
It usually begins something like this…
Nearly all troubled teen counseling is initiated by the mom rather than the dad. While most dads work during the day and it is easier for the mom to make the phone call, it typically becomes apparent during the counseling that the dad is passive as it pertains to their parenting model while the mom is not.
Children need their dads stepping up to the plate. Their earliest theological understanding of who God is comes from a dad and his leadership style, regardless of what that style may be. There is a direct correlation between their interpretation of who God is and how their dad leads, loves and interacts with them.
Over the years I have counseled scores of teens in trouble. And almost without exception the patterns are clear and strikingly similar:
Conclusions and responses from kids with weak fatherly leadership
- A passive dad gives the impression that God is distant, preoccupied or disinterested
- A distant dad gives the impression that other things are more important than the kid
- The child of a distant dad will find other “companions” by the time he/she becomes a teenager
- The rebellious teen will be an angry teen because he/she knows this is not how it ought to be, but feels hopeless that the situation will ever change
- Children of distant, passive dads are insecure. They feel as though there is something wrong with them. Therefore, they will seek affirmation elsewhere. Consider Susi.
There were two other important things that Jeannie told me during that first session:
- She said Susi realized at an early age that she had a gift. It was her intellect. Susi is very smart.
- Jeannie also said that Susi is rebellious in every context of her life, except for one. She never rebells at school.
Susi learned early in life that she was smart, so when she began school, for the first time in her life, she received affirmation, encouragement and positive attention. Her teachers became her primary encouragers and motivators rather than her dad. This is why she does not rebel in school. School for Susi is the one place where she feels confident, secure and loved. It is her safe place.
To make matters worse, when she brings all “A’s” home on her report card, everyone applauds, congratulates and shows affection for her. As you can imagine, these moments are rare and isolated in the home. Therefore, the bad news is that no one discerns that they are applauding her idolatry. Susi is a little idolator: she craves love and when she does well in school, her craving is met. Her identity is being formed by her performance at school.
Her strength (intellect) has become her biggest weakness.
I told her mom that school is the one place where Susi will never cause a problem. She probably will become a “professional student”. However, Susi is angry, insecure, fearful and craving attention from her dad. In such cases, this craving for attention that has been shaped wrongly in her will, as she gets older, more than likely be directed toward guys rather than her teachers.
As you can probably surmise, it would be virtually impossible to help Susi until the parents repent. Until this happens, rarely can a troubled teen successfully walk through their situational difficulty because of the strong negative-shaping influences that have been pressed upon the kid by a poor parenting model. To further complicate matters, the parents are asking the teen to do what they are not willing to do, i.e. change.
More times than not, a teenager is not mature enough to change first. Typically, everyone involved endure through the teenage years. Possibly, at some time in the future, the kid will repent.
Other articles in this series
- Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
- Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
- Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
- Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
- Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
- Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
- Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
- Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
- Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
- Kid Help is Here, 10.0
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