This past Sunday was Father’s Day. Father’s Day can be a very good day for many dads and their children. However, I am acutely aware that we live in a fallen world full of fallen people. And when fallen people live in a fallen world, it is not unusual for there to be fallout in families and particularly between fathers and their children.

My dad died over 32 years ago. I have written about our fractured relationship in other places, like the article I Got More Hating to Do. The most painful comment he ever made to me and the one I can’t seem to forget was, “You ain’t no son of mine.” He said that when I was about 10-years old. It was his response to my statement about marrying a black person. You have to understand; my dad was a racist of the highest order. With that understanding, you can imagine what he thought about one of his sons marry a black person.

Though it was said in anger and he probably would take it back  now, it was one of those permanent “etchings” upon a little child’s heart that can have a lasting effect. I have recently written on the subject of …but words will forever hurt me and made this final appeal to dads:

Dad, long after you are dead, your children will remember your words or your lack of words. And your words or your lack of words will be a major shaping-influence in their lives, for all of their lives.

Now you have the rest of the story, the backdrop as to why I made this appeal to you dads. James said, “…but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.” -James 3:8 (ESV)

The Gospel Changed My Mind

Typically when there is relational brokenness between a child and a parent, the child is usually the one articulating how he/she has been hurt by the sinful parent. Maybe as you read the title to this blog post, you thought, “Hey, shouldn’t that say, ‘you are like your dad?’” That is an understandable question to ask.

For many years I spent more time thinking about what my dad did wrong than thinking about what I did wrong. As I began to apply the Gospel to the brokenness of my family and to myself, only then was I free to not only understand what happened to me, but to be free from the sin of another that had controlled me for so many years.

My friend, author, teacher, and counselor, Paul Tripp said,

Self-righteousness is being more aware of and irritated by the sins of others than you are conscious of and grieved by your own.

As the Gospel came into view for me, I then realized that my dad was not the biggest sinner I know. This was also Paul’s realization as well. (See 1 Timothy 1:15) Paul was acutely aware that he was the foremost sinner that he knew. He was the chief, the numero uno sinner. There is no sin greater than the sin(s) you and I committed that caused the glorious, perfect, and innocent Son of God to be executed on a cross.

There is nothing that has ever happened to you or me that is greater than the sin you and I have committed against God. The Gospel levels the playing field and allows two sinners to mutually understand one another, mutually forgive one another, and mutually love one another the way God intended. The Gospel changes everything.

If there is a modicum of unforgiveness in your soul for what has been done to you, either by your dar or anyone, then you are making two very sad admissions: (1) you do not understand the Gospel in a transformative way and (2) you are unwilling to apply the Gospel to this specific situation.

My dad was just like me. He was a sinner in need of a great God to save him. He was hopeless without God. He sinned grievously against God and others. And so have I. Not only do I understand the Gospel now, but I understand my dad. The only remaining sadness is that I cannot tell him about the redemptive, transformative power of the Gospel.

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I was having a conversation with my six-year old son the other day and mentioned to him that he was going to be my replacement. It was a sobering thought. My son will grow up one day and become what I have modeled for him. The good and bad of my life will bring shape to his future life, whether that future shape turns out to be good or bad. Haydn is my replacement.

Future Clay

Someday in the future, when I am old and no longer able to run onto the field, he will take the ball and continue what I have begun. He will assume the role of a husband and a father and I will be relegated to the sidelines. It will be my turn to sit back and observe, in part, what I have done.

When I look at him I typically think that what is before me is a moldable piece of clay that God has given me to teach, train, guide, and shape.

The primary way that I mold my son is through modeling. I am the picture that he observes more than any other person in his life. He watches closely and he mimics so much of what I do.

Gospel-Shaped Parenting

His greatest joy and his greatest disappointment are built around my opinion of him. I can lift him up with my words and I can devastate him as well.

From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. -James 3:10

I am no different than my son. The opinion of my heavenly Father means everything to me. Thankfully, he loves me to death. (pun intended) I want to model the same kind of affection for my boy. I want him to hear and feel my words of encouragement. I have the power to build him up or tear him down with my tongue.

God’s Word speaks to me about the great love with which He has loved me. I feel, know, and experience God’s affection. The Gospel informs me of these good things. I want to model for my son what my Father models for me. I want him to feel, know, and experience my affection for him.

Application Questions

(You can apply these questions to a son or daughter.)

1. The Gospel, understood correctly, means you are more aware of God’s pleasure than His disappointment. Is your son more aware of your pleasure in him or your disappointment in him?
2. The Gospel speaks into your “chaos” and begins a transformation process. How are you speaking into your son’s life in order to bring God-glorifying transformation to his life?
3. The Gospel is acted out by serving, rather than being served. What specific and practical ways are you serving your son?

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Several years ago Jeannie came to counseling because her daughter, Susi, was in serious rebellion. Susi was 12 at the time. As I began to unpack what was going on in the home, Jeannie told me that when Susi was five years old she asked her mom,

“Why does daddy love Johnny more than me?”  Johnny was her three-year old brother. This interpretative question led to the obvious question from me, “What does your parenting model look like?”

Jeannie simply explained that Bill spends more time with Johnny while Jeannie spends more time with Susi. Therefore, Susi logically concluded that, “Daddy loves Johnny, but does not love me.”

The above story is true, though the names have been changed and is a variation on a common theme frequently seen with troubled teens: a passive, distant dad while mom does the primary leading in the home.

It usually begins something like this…

Nearly all troubled teen counseling is initiated by the mom rather than the dad. While most dads work during the day and it is easier for the mom to make the phone call, it typically becomes apparent during the counseling that the dad is passive as it pertains to their parenting model while the mom is not.

Children need their dads stepping up to the plate. Their earliest theological understanding of who God is comes from a dad and his leadership style, regardless of what that style may be. There is a direct correlation between their interpretation of who God is and how their dad leads, loves and interacts with them.

Over the years I have counseled scores of teens in trouble. And almost without exception the patterns are clear and strikingly similar:

Conclusions and responses from kids with weak fatherly leadership

• A passive dad gives the impression that God is distant, preoccupied or disinterested
• A distant dad gives the impression that other things are more important than the kid
• The child of a distant dad will find other “companions” by the time he/she becomes a teenager
• The rebellious teen will be an angry teen because he/she knows this is not how it ought to be, but feels hopeless that the situation will ever change
• Children of distant, passive dads are insecure. They feel as though there is something wrong with them. Therefore, they will seek affirmation elsewhere. Consider Susi.

There were two other important things that Jeannie told me during that first session:

• She said Susi realized at an early age that she had a gift. It was her intellect. Susi is very smart.
• Jeannie also said that Susi is rebellious in every context of her life, except for one. She never rebells at school.

Susi learned early in life that she was smart, so when she began school, for the first time in her life, she received affirmation, encouragement and positive attention. Her teachers became her primary encouragers and motivators rather than her dad. This is why she does not rebel in school. School for Susi is the one place where she feels confident, secure and loved. It is her safe place.

To make matters worse, when she brings all “A’s” home on her report card, everyone applauds, congratulates and shows affection for her. As you can imagine, these moments are rare and isolated in the home. Therefore, the bad news is that no one discerns that they are applauding her idolatry. Susi is a little idolator: she craves love and when she does well in school, her craving is met. Her identity is being formed by her performance at school.

Her strength (intellect) has become her biggest weakness.

I told her mom that school is the one place where Susi will never cause a problem. She probably will become a “professional student”. However, Susi is angry, insecure, fearful and craving attention from her dad. In such cases, this craving for attention that has been shaped wrongly in her will, as she gets older, more than likely be directed toward guys rather than her teachers.

As you can probably surmise, it would be virtually impossible to help Susi until the parents repent. Until this happens, rarely can a troubled teen successfully walk through their situational difficulty because of the strong negative-shaping influences that have been pressed upon the kid by a poor parenting model. To further complicate matters, the parents are asking the teen to do what they are not willing to do, i.e. change.

More times than not, a teenager is not mature enough to change first. Typically, everyone involved endure through the teenage years. Possibly, at some time in the future, the kid will repent.

Other articles in this series

• Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
• Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
• Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
• Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
• Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
• Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
• Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
• Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
• Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
• Kid Help is Here, 10.0

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Below is a quote that came to me shortly after a discussion I had with two dads after a recent parent/youth meeting. The dads were talking about specific issues with their sons and daughters and how they need to lead them appropriately, biblically. And in God’s kind and timely providence to me, I was reading the Ensor book and ran across this wonderful and applicable quote. (See below) It was a sober reminder of my responsibilities before God.

Upon further reflection of God’s abounding supply of grace, I realized that I don’t necessarily need a church or a friend to teach me about leading my children. God, in his manifold kindness to me, has given me these instincts intuitively. He is most assuredly working his redemptive purposes in me. That which he has begun in me he will finish. (Phil. 1:6) He has given me all things for life and godliness. (2 Pet. 1:3) Praise Him!

Because I am reading his Word, meditating on its substance, and enjoying Him through prayer, I am empowered by His gracious Spirit to live out these truths.

Would I have written it the way Ensor did? No, not in a million years. I’m not that smart. John Ensor is a gift to the Church. Do I know what to do? Yes, most certainly. Though I can’t write like Ensor, I have a better advantage: He who saved me lives within me.

I do not think the issue is as much about what to do as to whether I will humble myself and get off my lazy rear-end and “git-er done”. Praise God that I am a Priest and God is my King. Most certainly he takes care of me and through his guidance and kind providence and from the conversation with those two dads, I have received fresh faith that all is well with my God and he is watching over me and providing for the “chief” of sinners.

I’ve been encouraged to be a better father.

Here’s the Ensor quote:

As children approach their teen years, the father becomes the key factor in the moral decisions the teen will make. If the father is home and involved, young daughters will more likely relish his attention and tender affirmation and feel no need to get it elsewhere. If such things are absent, daughters are at higher risk to look for them in another man and to feel a deep need to be in a relationship with a boy—any boy. Young boys without fathers (or with absent fathers) are at higher risk to look for their manhood on the streets, where manhood is proven by way of sex, drugs, crime, and dropping out of school.

The man who hits the sofa and delegates family matters to his wife will immediately sow bitterness in his wife and trouble in his children. The father who is harsh and detached, who is grumpy all the time and easily angered, will raise angry and rebellious children.

Brothers, some warnings in Scripture are gender-specific because sin affects manhood in ways that differ from woman-hood. As breadwinners, we are particularly susceptible to come home tired and frustrated and want to withdraw into the mindless cocoon of “boob-tube-ism” or some hobby that makes no demands upon us. But we are warned, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). Deny children your attention and you frustrate them. Deny them your wisdom and insight as they start exploring the world around them, and you frustrate them. Ignore them or cut them off for bothering you, and you frustrate them.

Pp. 157-158: John Ensor Doing Things Right in the Matters of the Heart

Other Related Articles on Teens, Dating and Relationships

• Filling the Insatiable Love Cup
• 13-Year Old Divorced Five Times
• Dating: The Artificial Season That Doesn’t Count
• D-Harmony.Com: a dating solution
• Teen Rebellion

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