I began this series by asking “What is the Most Important Question You Can Ask When Making a Decision?” That post led to several follow-up posts about biblical decision making. (See links below.)

The most important question that can be asked when making a decision is are you in faith to move forward with your decision?

A Case Study: Marriage Gone Awry

Many times in my counseling career folks have come to me questioning whether they made the right decision when they got married. They thought they were in love. They believed it was the right thing to do. They were in faith; so they got married. But things have gone awry and their faith for the marriage is now languishing.

At other times there have been situations where two people were married, but they did not have the best motives for getting married. Now, fifteen years later, they are convinced they made a bad decision on their wedding day, so they are asking why should they stay married.

These questions are more common than you might imagine. Typically when the above scenarios are fully unpacked there are two primary issues that have to be resolved.

1. A Truncated View of the Sovereignty of God
2. A Selfish Desire to Escape God’s Work in Your LIfe

A Truncated View of the Sovereignty of God

There is no way to know God’s will with absolute certainty when you look into your future. God does not give us future information about our lives. James 4:13-15 teaches us to say that if it is the Lord’s will, we shall do this or that. Therefore, the best we can do is move forward by faith.

Additionally, it is not unusual to get into a “future situation” only to find that the circumstances have taken a turn for the worse. The story of Joseph in the OT is a very real reminder of a person whose future was strewn with difficulty. But he understood that God was working a plan for the good of many. (Gen. 50:20)

In some marriage situations, the marriage has gone bad, though the person thought it was a good idea in the beginning. In other situations there is the person who was never in true faith to get married, but did it anyway and is now contemplating ending the marriage. In either case, God speaks to these bad marriages in two clear ways.

Option #1 – Ultimately you cannot do anything outside of God’s decreed will. God can stop you if he wanted to. We may make our plans, but God is the one who orders our steps. (Pro. 16:9) Even when we screw-up, God can be glorified through our finite planning. Most certainly, it is not all about us. God can use sin sinlessly and though your choice to marry was not done with the purest motives, God still guides, either by allowing, hindering, or stopping the marriage. And since he did not stop it and you are married, now it’s time to trust him and his purposes for you life, rather than seeking to end what he has allowed.

Option #2 – God only gives three clear ways to end a marriage: death, adultery, and abandonment. This does not mean, however, you should end the marriage in the case of adultery or abandonment, though it is a biblical option. See Matthew 19 & 1 Corinthians 7.

Trust God. Rest in him. He is working perfectly even when we are not. Faith or no faith, then or now, for our marriage is not a biblical option for you to end your marriage.

A Selfish Desire to Escape God’s Work in Your Life

Somebody, somehow, and at some level is being selfish in the marriage. It is probably both people. If the desire to get married was a selfish one, then it would not be a surprise that the desire for divorce is selfish as well. The better approach would be to work on the issues related to the selfishness rather than looking for an escape clause to get out of the marriage.

If you are selfish now, divorce will not rectify the real problem. My recommendation would be to get some help for yourself and fight for your marriage. Your wisdom may be finite and you’re not fully comfortable with where you are in your marriage or who you have married, but let me exhort you to rest in one who is not finite and is able to lead where you are blind. Though it may seem this marriage was meant for evil, I can tell you that God means it for good. Honor your covenant.

It will take some work to get there, but it is worth it.

Other Related Articles

• The Most Important Question to Ask When Making a Decision – 1.0
• What Do You Cling to When Your Marriage Falls Apart? – 2.0
• Why is the Faith Question the Most Important Question to Ask When Making a Decision? – 3.0
• None of Us Have to Be Mr. Perfect Regarding Our Faith. It’s Okay – 4.0
• I Think I Married the Wrong Person – 5.0
• Are you saying I can never change my mind? – 6.0
• How do I go about making a decision – 7.0
• What are some pitfalls when making a decision – 8.0

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Mailbag: Rick, I work with a guy who is not a Christian. He has been divorced for 9 months. He and his ex-wife have a 5-year old boy. The ex-wife is real negative about her ex-husband in front of the kid. Some of it sounds angry and harsh. The kid seems to be growing in his anger toward his dad. What should the dad do? He thinks he should talk to the kid and draw him out and try to counter some of what his ex-wife is saying. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this if you don’t mind.

Let’s start with the obvious. Some of what may be going on is God orchestrating circumstances in such a way to bring this guy to Himself. You could be part of the Father’s plan. I would not want to dismiss this possibility. As you care for your co-worker, think evangelistically. This could be bigger than the marital or familial conflict.

Kids Have Divided Hearts in Divorce

One of the worst things either parent could do is criticize the other parent in front of the kid. This is similar to non-divorced parents arguing and fighting with each other in front of their children. When parents fight and quarrel and do not repent and reconcile, it rips the children’s hearts out. A child’s primary security is initially in the unity of their parents and when there is division between the parents, there is division in the kid’s hearts. It sends them in an emotional tailspin.

In the case of a divorced kid, you have to hope for the best case scenario. The best case scenario is for the parents to not communicate their anger or frustration with each other in front of the kid. It appears the mom is not going to shield the kid from her hostility toward her ex-husband. I’d recommend the dad not do the same.

I would recommend the dad be very careful about drawing the kid out. The kid is not psychologically mature enough to be put in such a position. Just as you don’t have the “sex talk” with a five-year old, you also should not discuss other mature themes, like his parents’ hatred for each other. He does not have proper categories for such conflict.

The ex-husband probably won’t get his wife to stop criticizing, judging, or condemning, but he must not stoop to her level. I’d recommend he respond in kindness by something like “I’m sorry this is happening. I wish I could fix it. I know it is hard for you. I’m doing all I know to do to help your mom out and to take care of you.”

Give the Kid Something He Doesn’t Have

The kid lives in chaos. Unfortunately this scene will probably not change for him. His world is unstable and he will struggle with insecurity. He needs a thoughtful, ordered, and calm place that can become a refuge for him. He needs a “safe place.” The dad has an opportunity to provide this for him.

The dad must model a “good life” before his son. In time, as his kid gets older, he will begin to see a difference between the life his mom lives and the life his dad lives. In time, his dad will be vindicated. In the interim, the kid may be steered away from his dad, due to the negativity and manipulation of the mom.

He needs to prepare himself for much worse from his son. Unfortunately the son will probably take his own fear and disappointment out on the dad and there is little the dad can do about it. If he tries to draw him out, he must be prepared for it not to go well.

Whatever he does, he must never perpetuate the division that is already in his son’s heart. He must not get in confrontations with his ex. Of course, almost all I have said is familial-behavioral modification. It is external change. In this situation Christ is not ruling anyone’s heart. They are not Christians. The best thing the dad can do is submit to the Savior and humbly serve him while praying for his kid.

You can model some of these things before him, while praying that God intervenes. I love you, my friend, …hope this helps a bit.

Read these related articles:

• How Should My Kids Respond to My Ex-Husband?
• Marriage, Divorce & Me
• Divorced Kids Blame Themselves for Parent’s Blunder
• Facts Get Lost in Our Interpretation

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Mailbag: Rick, my husband left me four years ago and is now living with another woman. I don’t want my kids spending time with him until he straightens out his life. Both he and his girlfriend are a bad influence on my children. How should I respond to him and my kids?

I’m sure your kids are struggling a great deal because of the split of their family and there are a lot of emotions going on inside of them. Honestly, there is no “right way” to answer your question. Each situation is different and you have to understand the dynamics of the situation, pray to God, seek sound advice and do what you understand to be right.

It is very humble and transparent of you that you would seek my counsel. Based on your limited description, here are a few bullet thoughts. Please remember, email correspondence is not the best medium to interact with questions of this nature. So much can be missed.

• The bottom line is that your kids need to see and spend time with their daddy. No matter what he has done or what he is doing, he is there daddy. No parent is perfect and it will serve the children if you make the best effort to have them with their dad, or at least make sure you’re not the one hindering a potential relationship.
• Never speak negatively of their dad. Besides it being gossip and slander, it will also create an unnecessary tension in the hearts of the children.
• I would seek to “re-train” your children’s consciences to the place where they can have a relationship with their dad, while not condoning his sin. This not only applies to their relationship with their dad, but with any human.
• I’d take the Savior’s approach with the woman in adultery, as it pertains to those living in sin: “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.”
• Your children can make it clear they do not approve, but they can still have a relationship. Don’t we do this with all our relationships at some level?
• I have a relationship with a lot of people living in all kinds of sin, e.g. gay lifestyle, adultery, drunkenness, you name it. I don’t practice or condone any of these sin patterns, but I do not alienate myself from them. To alienate is the mindset of those who hold to the contrived doctrine of “separation” rather than a Christian mindset. It is anti-Gospel.
• The essence of the Gospel is Christ coming to the unworthy, useless sinner. Christ had relationships with these kinds of people, though it is clearly understood he did not imbibe or condone their sinfulness.
• I would remind your kids of the Gospel. We were all like this lady friend of your ex-husband, in that none of us were righteous, but yet God pursued us. I do not want to treat others in a way God did not treat me. If God looked on me the way some people look on other sinners, he would never have regenerated me.
• If your children draw a “relational line” in the sand, which says we will see you if you get rid of her, he may (and probably will) choose her and the kids will be the big losers. It will take them years, as adults, to wrestle through their dad’s “rejection”. It is hard enough already, as you know, but this will make it worse.
• It can come across as manipulation and/or conditional love: we will spend time with you if you conform to our standard of righteousness. You would be asking an unbeliever to act like a believer, or at least to act like a believer in this way. He is selfish, blind, ignorant, self-deceived, lustful, proud and immature. To separate will probably backfire on you.
• I would model Romans 2:4: it is the “kindness of God that leads to repentance“. I would give him what he would not expect, i.e. I love you, but don’t condone. It is easy to not condone and reject, but counter-intuitive to not condone and love at the same time.
• Find a trusted friend to help you walk through this. And, by all means, talk with your pastor, the one who is charged to care for your soul.
• Guard your heart from the temptations of bitterness & revenge. I do not read this into anything you have said, but thinking that if I went through what you went through, certainly I would be tempted to act in an anti-Gospel way, either through bitterness or revenge.

I trust my words have not been a hard blow to you or a burden for you to carry through. I’m certainly not judging you or thinking negative of you. I feel for your situation. You are a mom. You are trying to figure out what to do. You love your kids. And you are humble to ask me for advice. I respect that.

I’m a parent. I understand. One of the things I want to do is protect my kids from the sinfulness of the world. I realize the sinfulness of this world is right before them. And they will have to interact with it. But I don’t want them to have to interact with it at such a young age.

Budget some sin into their lives

However, it would be unwise to totally shelter them from the world. I’ve seen parents do this and when their kids become older they are drawn to the world. It’s a bad idea. The best time to budget some sin into your kid’s life is while they are with you so you can bring interpretation and clarity to their world.

Disappointment at a young age takes more prayer, parenting skill and God’s grace than any other parenting situation. And your kids are in an unending season of inevitable disappointment.

Divorce will be part of their life, all their life. It seems unfair, but God’s grace is still bigger. I would work very hard in teaching your kids about how to live out the Gospel in a mean, unkind and uncaring world. And the first place to start is with their dad.

Go back to the Gospel

The Gospel is God loving us and pursuing us while not condoning our sin. He did not reject us. It was his kindness that led you and me to repentance. Your kids have an incredible opportunity before them. And if their consciences are weak because of the situation, I would work to retrain their consciences.

The truth is, dealing with unsavory people, will be repeated throughout their lives and if they learn this lesson now, it will serve them very well in the future.

To live in a sinful world, not be overcome by the sinful world while being able to impact the sinful world is Christian maturity, which is the goal for not only you, but for your kids.

Read these related articles:

• How Should My Kids Respond to My Ex-Husband?
• Marriage, Divorce & Me
• Divorced Kids Blame Themselves for Parent’s Blunder
• Facts Get Lost in Our Interpretation

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

Here is an excellent sermon for any couple who needs encouragement and help regarding their marriage. Click this link to listen to Southside Fellowship’s Sermon on Marriage & Divorce.

Look for the sermon preached on 05.24.09 called Marriage in a Mixed-Up World.

As you listen to the sermon here are some application questions for you to consider. Enjoy

Application Questions

1. Christ was counter-cultural. How do I live counter-culturally as it pertains to my marriage covenant?
2. Am I willing to follow Jesus’ teaching in general?
3. If I can follow his teaching in theory, how can I follow his teaching as it works out in my marriage? Can I follow his teaching in the real, live context in which I live?
4. How does my agenda impact the decisions that I make regarding my marriage? What specific ways do I push for my agenda regarding what I want in this marriage and how does my agenda negate the agenda of Christ?
5. Do I really want someone to be “one” with me? How do I go about getting “oneness” with my spouse? E.g. Force? Manipulation? Anger? Self-Pity? Criticism? Negativity? Passivity? Serving? Loving? Dying for her?

How Does The Gospel Inform Your Marriage

The Gospel says that Christ is not asking me to do something that he is not willing to do himself.

For example, the Savior is giving his life to me to keep me forever. He has made a covenant to keep me. This is the Gospel message: He died to save and keep me.

Therefore, I can practically apply the Gospel to my marriage by giving my life to another, to keep the marriage covenant until we go to Heaven.

Checkout these recent, but diverse posts on marriage

• Death is Not Dying, the Rachel Barkey Story
• This is NOT a Marriage Solution
• Weak Men! Strong Women!

Read these related articles:

• How Should My Kids Respond to My Ex-Husband?
• Marriage, Divorce & Me
• Divorced Kids Blame Themselves for Parent’s Blunder
• Facts Get Lost in Our Interpretation

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site

Last summer my six-year old was standing on a friend’s car hood. She slipped and fell on the windshield. The windshield broke and we found out that the insurance would not cover the cost.

It was an excellent opportunity to walk my daughter through being responsible, stewardship, confession, repentance and several other biblical categories.

Now let’s fast-forward six months. During the interim I ramped up my counseling caseload and in an unrelated matter, my wife began doing serious coupon collecting. Shortly thereafter a good friend of mine took our kids out for a play date and during their time together Tristen was telling the story about the windshield she had broken. She also added the new, but unrelated data about my increased counseling load and Lucia’s coupon collecting.

Then she said: Daddy has more meetings now and mommy is collecting coupons so they can pay for the window I broke last year.

Here’s the principle: People Do Not Respond To Facts, But To Their Interpretation Of The Facts. -Paul Tripp

Breaking it down: Here is how the principle works:

1. We generally do not have all the facts.
2. We are born interpreters.
3. We generally come to imperfect conclusions.

In such scenarios as the one above, it is not unusual for a kid to blame themselves for what they understand imperfectly. Tristen breaking the car windshield was not that difficult to walk through. However, there are other life situations that take more care, wisdom, patience and ultimately the grace of God.

Divorce is one of those awful life situations that can have a lifelong effect on kids. A few years ago I was chatting with a 12-year girl. I told her that the divorce of her parents was not her fault. She immediately began to cry.

She had processed the data and came to a conclusion, an imperfect one. It was something like this: Dad and mom do not get along. Dad and mom do not live together anymore. Therefore, it must have something to do with me.

Kids have to place wrong somewhere and authority figures, regardless of their example, are not typically the first place they look to blame. Instead they blame themselves.

Divorce is a terrible situation. And if it is your situation, then I advise you to not only get help for yourself, but consider your kid who is trying to make sense of it all.

Read these related articles:

• How Should My Kids Respond to My Ex-Husband?
• Marriage, Divorce & Me
• Divorced Kids Blame Themselves for Parent’s Blunder
• Facts Get Lost in Our Interpretation

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site