The following is a Q & A from a counseling friend from another place in the world. He has a counseling situation and wanted some help. I’ve change some of the data to flatten it out enough so appropriate anonymity could be maintained. Please know this correspondence was done through Instant Messaging. Though the technology is a kindness of our God there are significant limitations with providing counsel through this medium.

• 6:41am – Stan Hello
• 6:42am – Rick Good morning
• 6:45am – Stan I’d like to ask your advice on a counseling case I’m working with.
• 6:45am – Rick Okay
• 6:45am – Stan hmm, btw, it’s evening time for me now.
• 6:45am – Rick Where are you?
• 6:46am – Stan I am in India. There is a Christian couple, the husband is taking drugs and his family has tried many times to help him quit, and he himself has tried to quit several times.
• 6:47am – Rick Go ahead and give me the scoop and I’ll read it when you’re done, then I’m sure I’ll have some questions.
• 6:48am – Stan Every time he has promised his family that he will never take drugs again. But recently the wife found drugs in the home and it seems that he is back to drugs again. The wife is upset as you can imagine and is broken up over this latest disappointment. It’s been a lot of suffering for her and the family. She feels she can’t take it anymore and she is thinking about leaving him. Here is my question: Can she leave him? Can she divorce for that reason? And what about the kids? How do you counsel a drug addict by the way? Any resources for that? Well, there you have it, in a nutshell.
• 7:03am – Rick I sure you’ve asked the obvious questions, but here goes a couple: Is he a believer? What I’m asking is he really a believer through somewhat objective observance like, what does guilt look like for him?
• 7:04am – Stan He is a believer so he says, but if you’re asking if he is really a believer, I do not know.
• 7:05am – Rick For example, is he heartbroken before God or is he mainly sad about the circumstances he is in. Does his confession go deeper than what everyone already knows as in does he confess before he is caught? Sometimes a person will only confess to the level of what others already know. At other times a person will confess more than what others know. The latter is obviously better than the former. Does he voice his concern for what God thinks about this as in is he aware that his sin is vertical as well as horizontal? Does he show other signs of being a believer, like does the WORD speak to him, does he get the WORD, does the light come on or is he mostly dull of hearing? These questions are important. If you want to bring about change, which of course you do, but he does not have the Spirit, then long-term and lasting change cannot take place. Of course, as you know, you can’t really tell for sure if a person is saved, but there should be some subjective evidence that we can look at.
• 7:07am – Stan he seems to regret more about being caught each time, but he said he doesn’t want to lose his wife and he also doesn’t want to give up drugs, maybe he just can’t?
• 7:09am – Stan he’s been taken to some rehab for treatment to get off drugs, but he doesn’t like it, and does not want to go back.
• 7:10am – Rick As for divorce…Umm…this is a tough issue when we look at trying and perplexing circumstances rather than the bible and it is hard not to look at the circumstances when it is like you describe. I’ll come back to divorce in a moment, but just thinking, based on his lack of desire to go to rehab, another evidence of true repentance is that a truly repentant person does not “call the shots.” Note the story of the Prodigal Son: He made NO DEMANDS and was fully compliant to whatever his daddy would decide as far as his fate. He was serious about becoming whatever others decided for him, even if it meant he would not become a son anymore, but a hired servant. That’s the attitude you look for in a counselee who is willing to do anything to change. Repentance is total surrender to others who can decide your fate. It is surrender to God and those who are in place as some sort of authority over you to help you toward change. If the counselor is in a tug-o-war with a counselee then something is not right.
• 7:13am – Stan ok…so…if he refuses to repent…we can do nothing at the moment for him??
• 7:13am – Rick “Oh Lord, whatever you decide. I’m in your hands and I trust the people you have placed in my life to walk me through my sin.” Repentance is a gift from God. Later on…when we are done here please take time to carefully read my posts on The Inherent Liabilities of Biblical Counseling. This will serve you, I think.
• 7:15am – Stan ok, will do.
• 7:15am – Rick Now back to divorce…
• 7:15am – Stan Ok!
• 7:15am – Rick It sounds like she has no biblical grounds for divorce, to be honest. That is the hard spot she and her family are in. You can divorce for adultery (Mt. 5:31-32, 19:9) And you can divorce for desertion as in 1 Cor. 7. But if the unbeliever wants to stay in the marriage then that should happen. This is how I understand the texts. The tough thing here is that he is sinning his brains out, does not seemingly want to change and she is being hurt daily by his sin, not to mention what the kids are going through. It is very difficult to ask a person in a situation like this to stay in the marriage. Actually it is one of the toughest counseling situations that I have ever encountered. I really don’t like to be in them because of what I’m asking the hurting person to endure. If she is not in physical danger of getting hurt, and the children are not in danger and the husband doesn’t want a divorce then biblically speaking she would need to stay in the marriage.
• 7:18am – Stan she is getting more and more depressed I think.
• 7:19am – Rick these are my thoughts halfway around the world. There is another piece of info that really needs to be expressed and impressed upon her. It’s the obvious piece and the one I’m sure you’ve already have been pressing on her…
• 7:19am – Stan ok?
• 7:19am – Rick Simply put…it’s the GOSPEL. Let me explain: This is the tough part, but the essential part of ALL our counseling, without exception. We must get the GOSPEL right ourselves and then be able to walk our friends through the implications of the gospel. This is particularly tough in such situations as you describe. The gospel is Jesus coming to a bunch of unruly, uncaring and sinning people. Christ stayed in the fight, committed himself to his Father and endured the cross for you and me. You, me, your drug addict and his wife didn’t care about what God did on the Cross. But God kept pursuing us, loving us, even while we were sinners (Rom 5:8). And eventually we repented of our sin and began to follow him and order our lives around him. I would carefully read 1 Peter 2:21-25. This is the intro to 1 Peter 3:1 where it talks about how to live with a man who will not submit to the Word. He is to be won w/o a word by the chaste and pure conduct of the wife. This is VERY TOUGH counseling!!! It does not get any more difficult than this. There is much more to say. In v. 21 it says we are to walk the steps of the Savior, which is a path of suffering. Phil 1:29 says we are given on the behalf of Christ not only to believe, but to suffer for his sake. This is modeling the Gospel in our lives. Did I say this is tough? Oh yeah, it is. She needs, which I’m sure she is, to be surrounded by a local body of believers who can carry and sustain her during a very tough time. Now, if he says he is a believer and is still in objective sin…
• 7:25am – Stan Ok..i see…wow! This is a lot of data!
• 7:25am – Rick …then Matthew 18 needs to come into play. He needs to be confronted, which he has already from what I understand. And he has not repented. At this point two or three more need to lovingly confront him. If he chooses not to repent then he is brought before the church. (This is assuming he is a believer.) As a believer he has no rights, but to repent! Again, if he says he is a Christian.
• 7:27am – Stan ok
• 7:27am – Rick He needs to be placed in a place like what you suggested, a rehab facility! Also note that if he is a believer then Gal. 6:1 kicks in. He is a Christian caught in a snare. The drugs have him, the drug has caught him and he can’t get out on his own. It’s like stepping into a bear trap and now he is “CAUGHT.” Those who are “spiritual” according to the text are to “restore” him. Again, I’m assuming he is a Christian. The word “restore” means to put back together again. You can find the same word in Mark 1:19 where it says to “mend.” Your addict friend needs “mending.” Again, assuming he is a believer, which is the assumption of the Galatian’s text. 
• 7:29am – Stan yes
• 7:30am – Rick I don’t know if he is a believer. I can’t tell from my seat. He might be and is just caught in some deep, entrenched sin and can’t get out, Gal. 6:1. Whether he is a believer or unbeliever, in any case, he needs the gospel. He needs the gospel for different reasons than his wife. Thoughts? And please read those blog posts called the Inherent Liabilities of Biblical Counseling. I would also recommend you read the posts under the category of the “CROSS” and the “GOSPEL“
• 7:33am – Stan My, my that’s a lot of info for me today!
• 7:34am – Stan I’ll need to savor this! Thanks!!
• 7:34am – Rick No problem. And please know that there are limitations to email, IM, etc. I’m not there; I’m not in your chair. I understand that. I will pray for you and your friends. I certainly feel for the lady; this is so hard. Actually I have been where she is a long time ago and it was only by God’s kind favor that I endured. You’re in a tough spot. I will pray that God gives you the grace, wisdom and courage to love her and guide her through this. And I apologize for the limitations in this type of correspondence.
• 7:38am – Stan Oops, sorry, the internet connection here is not that great. I was off and on, off and on.
• 7:39am – Rick No problem.
• 7:39am – Stan Thank you very much Rick! Thank you for your help through Facebook, of all things. I will go through our chat later and the web resources you mentioned
• 7:41am – Rick Great…much love and respect for what you are doing. It’s pretty cool to feebly serve folks around the world. I’m glad you allowed me to take a stab at it. I’m stunned by His kindness to me. Take care! Cya