Betty Jean was clear when she called for counseling. Under no circumstances was her pastor to find out that she was seeking counseling for what she was going through. Through the years, this has been a common request from people seeking help.

Once upon a time the pastor was the primary caregiver for the sheep God had charged him to care for. And the sheep were more than willing to seek out their shepherd to walk with them through various troubles and trials. Today, that is not always the case.

For many reasons, the pastor and his church have been marginalized and para-Church ministries are becoming more and more the primary caregivers for those in trouble. Realizing I cannot be a long-term solution for the hurting, my hope is to help the Betty Jeans of the world to see, value, and pursue their local churches for long-term care.

While I don’t mind helping in the short-term, I realize that Betty Jean is just like me: she’s a Christian who will not fully overcome sin and suffering in this life. We both need a long-term solution. God’s answer for this is the local church.

Application Questions

1. Would you counsel Betty Jean? Why or why not?
2. Would you try to give her a vision for the local church as the long-term solution for care? Why or why not?
3. Do you believe the local church is God’s answer for the sanctification needs of His people? Why or why not?

Other related articles:

• Your high standards tempt me to lie in my marriage – 1.0
• If I tell the truth my Christian college will expel me – 2.0
• Don’t tell the Elders. I’ll lose my job – 3.0
• I don’t want anyone to know I’m in counseling – 4.0

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Mary is very insecure. It is hard for her to ever admit she is wrong. Her self-righteousness also has a stranglehold on her when it comes to the opinion of others. She is a people-pleaser who craves people’s opinions. How she appears before others as well as how she thinks others think about her are paramount to Mary.

Trying to be perfect in an imperfect world and craving the opinion of others are just two ways in which her self-righteousness truncates her relationship with God, her family, and her friends. Most of her friends love her and see her as an example to be emulated, while her family sees her for who she really is. But they can never honestly say what they think because Mary has never been humble enough to receive that kind of evaluation regarding her faults.

Whenever her family has brought that kind of observation to Mary, she responded with outrage, while letting them know all the ways they have failed her and God. Her family has taken the position of letting it go because it is not worth getting into an argument.

Though Mary is unaware of it, her self-righteousness has had an even more detrimental effect on her husband Bill. Bill has a specific sin issue that Mary is aware of and Mary has not been shy about letting him know about it. She expresses her disappointment in Bill through her nagging, criticism, and regular demeaning attitudes. Recently she told him that if he continued in his sin patterns she would leave him.

Bill does not want a divorce and he has been trying to walk out his repentance in humility. Recently he said during a counseling session:

I don’t want to sin anymore and I’m trying very hard not to [sin this way again]. I have spent more time in prayer than any other time in my life. I have been reading the Bible more than ever and I’ve set-up accountability partners to help guard my heart and life from falling back into [this specific sin].

However, I feel that there will be times when I will fall into [this specific sin]. I don’t want to and though I don’t think I am making excuses, I’m not sure I can live a life of perfection, which is what Mary is asking me to do. I know it sounds wrong, but I’m tempted to lie to Mary when she asks me [if I committed this sin again]. Do you know what I mean? So when she asks, “How’s it going Bill?” What am I to say?

Application Questions

1. What would you advise Bill?
2. While empathizing with Mary because of the specific sin issue that Bill struggles with, what would you say to her as far as how she should accept and serve her husband through this specific sin issue?
3. Should Bill be perfect? Should he be completely transparent with Mary, even though he knows it could be death to his marriage?

Other related articles:

• Your high standards tempt me to lie in my marriage – 1.0
• If I tell the truth my Christian college will expel me – 2.0
• Don’t tell the Elders. I’ll lose my job – 3.0
• I don’t want anyone to know I’m going to counseling – 4.0

This article represents no person in particular. This problem is a very common occurrence with scores of counseling situations I have interacted with over the years. If this article resembles anyone you may know, it is merely coincidental. Bill & Mary are the names of my parents and this is not an accurate representation of their lives.

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Jill met Jack five years after Jack divorced his first wife. Jill is 25-years old, a solid Christian from a strong Christian family, and active in a Gospel-centered church. Jack is 29-years old. He has been a Christian for 15 years, though he has not always lived for God during those years. He married Jayne when he was 19. They had one child and though Jack and Jayne were Christians, they never seemed to get their marriage on the right track.

Jack left Jayne and eventually divorced her, though there were no biblical grounds. That was three years ago. Jayne met John and married him two years ago and seems to be very happy in her new marriage. Jack met Jill last year and they hit it off immediately. Jill is well-aware of Jack’s previous marriage, but says that Jack has repented of his sin and has been walking in integrity and humility in the time that she has known him.

Jack’s humility and Christian reputation have been affirmed by his church family and it appears he has straightened his life out and is heading in the right direction. Jack and Jill have come to you for counseling. They are asking you specific questions about marriage, divorce, and remarriage.

Application Questions

1. Should Jack marry Jill?
2. Can Jack marry Jill?
3. Give a specific and practical plan to walk Jack and Jill through your counseling recommendations. Use as many bullet points as necessary to articulate the various issues you want to cover with them.

You May Also Be Interested In

• Thoughts About Divorce – 1.0
• Divorced with a Tux and Brown Shoes – 2.0
• The Case of Jill Marrying a Divorced Guy – 3.0
• Divorce & Every Other Weekend Kids – 4.0
• Date, Divorce, Date, Divorce, Date, Divorce, Marry, Divorce, Marry… – 5.0
• Can a Divorced Person Remarry – 6.0

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Kyle won’t talk to his wife. He will go for weeks at a time without saying anything meaningful to her. When this happens Jan calls it their season of “efficiency speech.” He only says what he has to.

He will answer logistical and practical questions that concern the function of the home, but there is no communication whatsoever as it pertains to personal interaction, relationship building, or mutual care for each other.

The kids seem to ride the wave of their dad’s limited interaction with minimal difficulty though Steven, their five-year old shows signs of being affected. While Steven loves his daddy, he is confused by his cyclic behavior and never seems to know where he stands with his dad. He did ask his mother if Kyle was mad with him. Though Jan reassured him that his daddy was not angry with him, Steven did not seem entirely convinced.

Jan said Kyle has always been an angry man. Even before they married, he would go through bouts of anger. He shows his anger through silence rather than being loud or volatile. Expressing anger through silence is very common. I call it the Christian’s version of murder. While what we know as murder is the permanent removal of someone, silent treatment is the “sanitized” version of distancing yourself from another.

• Physical murder says, “I do not like you. Therefore, I am going to make sure you do not exist by killing you.”
• Silent treatment says, “I do not like you. Therefore, I am going to treat you as though you do not exist by not speaking to you.”

Silent treatment is not about an inability to communicate, but a volitional choice to not speak to someone.

Application Question

1. What are your top three questions for Kyle?
2. How would you offer hope to Jan?
3. What would be your counsel to the parents regarding Steven?

Other Related Articles in this Series

1. Communication 101 … Talk Trouble
2. Communication and the Universal Mute
3. Communication Inhibitors
4. The Case of the Silent Partner
5. Doing it in the dark
6. You Can’t Handle the Truth – Jack Nicholson

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Cheryl was bemoaning the fact that her oldest daughter had gone astray. Janice, her oldest, was not living for God and seemed to have little interest in spiritual things. Cheryl was not sure what went wrong. She and Robert adopted Janice when she was 2-years old. They had been married for five years at the time and could not have children of their own.

Adoption seemed like a great option for the young couple. After much prayer and counsel, they adopted Janice and were excited about their newly formed family.

As the years wore on it became evident that Robert was a poor spiritual leader in the home and Cheryl had little understanding of what it meant to be a mom. In addition to these deficiencies, God opened her womb and she had “her own child.” Sarah was five years younger than her sister and proved to be a “better” child than Janice.

Janice and Sarah are 27 and 22-years old respectively. Janice is in rebellion, while Sarah is a “model” child. During counseling Cheryl said,

Janice has been a hard child to parent. We tried everything. Some things worked and other things were not good ideas. Fortunately God gave me Janice to practice on before He gave me my real child. What I learned through trial and error with Janice I changed and did a better job with Sarah. Can you help me understand what went wrong with Janice?

Application Questions

1. Where would you want to start with Robert and Cheryl?
2. What would you say to Cheryl’s question?
3. What other information would you like to know from Robert & Cheryl?
4. What are some things you are suspecting right now about this counseling case?

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Jean was picked on all her life. Her parents never seemed to be pleased with her, or if they were, they never effectively communicated this to her. Jean’s earliest childhood memories of her parents was their criticism and general displeasure with her. Her parents seemed to be more interested in how Jean looked in social contexts than how Jean was doing personally.

This fear-based model of parenting drove Jean to find other ways in which she could prove to herself, as well as convince others that she was not as unsatisfying as her parents seemed to communicate by their lack of encouragement and approval. One of Jean’s techniques to “feel better about herself” was to put others down. Whether she verbalized this or quietly judged them as inferior, either way, it helped to elevated Jean in her own mind.

Bob was aware of Jean’s insecurity when he married her, but Jean was physically attractive and she was a virgin. From Bob’s perspective, she was a good catch. He didn’t see her life-dominating insecurity as being a big problem. However, within the first two years of their marriage, Bob became painfully aware that he could not please Jean. She was a critical, condemning, and nagging wife.

Bob’s own desire for acceptance drove him to find approval through other means. For Bob, pornography seemed like an innocent “theater of the mind” where he could be entertained by “fawning” women. Unfortunately, Bob’s scheme failed. He was fired from his job for viewing porn and Jean was devastated.

No one is excusing Bob’s sin in his marriage and, thankfully, he is seeking counseling. However, the counselor is aware of Jean’s life-long battles with insecurity, but he does not know how to approach Jean. (One of the toughest counseling situations is a victim of another’s sin, who is somehow culpable in the sinful situation.) Though Bob is fully responsible for his sin, Jean needs to know how her complaining and general displeasure with Bob played a part in his battles with porn.

Application Questions

1. How would you approach Jean? And why would you do it?
2. What is Jean’s core problem and what is the solution?
3. How would a right understanding and application of the Gospel radically change this marriage?

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The news of Joe & Jayne’s daughter getting pregnant sent a shockwave of speculation through their local church. (You can read their story in this article, The Darker Side of Jayne: A Ministry Mom.) The pastors recommended that Joe & Jayne receive counseling from you, which they reluctantly agreed to. After four weeks of intensive counseling, several things were becoming clear to you. Here is a short list:

1. Their 19-year marriage was a mutual agreement to coexist, though neither one of them ever really said as much.
2. Joe chose not to get the help he needed for his passivity, while Jayne chose not to biblically complement her husband.
3. Joe found escape in his work, sports, and porn, while Jayne escaped through ministry fulfillment.
4. Joe and Jayne had no real, practical, and consistent context in their local church for marriage help.
5. The church chose a ministry-driven philosophy, rather than a relational-driven philosophy of ministry. Therefore they took a pragmatic and utilitarian approach toward ministry and people.

Though Joe and Jayne were personally responsible for how they lived before God and one another, the church had a responsibility for how they did not provide proper care for Joe and Jayne. We know from Hebrews 13:17 that the local pastor will be held accountable for the kind of leadership-shepherding he provides for his people.

The pastor calls you for an update on the counseling you’re providing for Joe and Jayne. During your call with him, he asks how the church could have been more proactive in helping Joe and Jayne. Later, he asks you what changes he could immediately implement in the short-term as well as the long-term, in order to provide better care for his people. He now sees Joe and Jayne as representative of many people under his watch and he is asking you to advise him on how to prevent these issues from occurring with other families. How would you help this local pastor?

A Few Thoughts on Leadership Assessment

1. Weak Men! Strong Women!
2. Leadership is Verbal
3. True Leadership is Balanced Leadership
4. Things to think about when assessing someone
5. You are a leader!
6. The Manly Man Test

Some Thoughts About the Local Church

1. How to Find a Local Church, 1.0
2. The #1 Priority for Any Local Church, 2.0
3. The Second Question to Ask a Local Church, 3.0
4. You Better Believe Worship Matters, 4.0

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Jayne is the “go to” gal in her church. Everybody likes her and when someone is struggling and in need of a friend, Jayne is the one who gets the call. Seemingly, her children are “part of the furniture” at the church building because they spent a good portion of their lives at the building.

All is well in the world of Jayne. …as long as you don’t look backstage, behind the curtain. There you will find the darker side of Jayne. Should you look behind the curtain, here is some of what you would see.

The Invisible Man

Jayne’s husband is passive and preoccupied. Joe does not lead his family. He and Jayne have been coexisting in their home for nearly 19 years. Joe gave up on the marriage a long time ago. He did make a few feeble attempts to lead his wife when they were first married. But he didn’t know how to lead her and his weak and unwise attempts led to argumentation. In time, Joe checked out of the marriage, though he stayed in the home. His primary role has been to provide for the family, which he does very well. Joe is a good, but lazy man.

Rebels with a Cause

Zachary & Elizabeth have become more than a handful for their parents. During the early years it was easy for Jayne to “handle” them as she performed her myriad of duties for the church. She could easily shuffle them into the children’s ministry while she taught her women’s bible studies, counseled, led kid’s events, or fulfilled whatever leadership type roles they offered her. Now that Zach and Liz are teens, they are not as impressed with mom’s “love for God” or her “devotion” to the church. Their simmering disdain for both has reached the boiling point. Early on it was unobserved rolling of the eyes when much was made of Jayne’s passion for God. Now it’s full-blown anger.

To Tell the Truth

You can imagine the shock of some of Jayne’s friends the other day when they saw her yelling at Joe in the hallway of the church building. No one had ever seen the darker side of Jayne. It was understood that Joe was a silent partner when it came to church and church functions. But that was Joe and no one seemed to mind. Besides, it is not polite to pry into other people’s business. And why would you? They must be doing something right, look at Jayne. Her love for God was well known

As for the kids: they were the cutest two little munchkins you’d ever want to meet. Their clothes were perfect. They excelled in Bible drills. The church seemed to be their life. What the “non-prying” adults did not know was that the dad had checked out and the kids were modeling the hypocrisy of their mom. But for the kids, it was only for a season. Zach & Liz were marking the days until they could get out of their private, dysfunctional family.

Just before Elizabeth’s seventeenth birthday Joe and Jayne found out that their daughter was pregnant. They didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. Initially Jayne tried to keep it under wraps. Later she attempted to talk Liz into a quiet abortion. She threatened Joe if he told anyone about the plans, but they could not keep it under wraps any longer. Jayne’s worst fear had come upon her. She was about to be found out for who she really was.

Application Questions

1. How would you counsel this family?
2. How would you re-envision the church about biblical priorities for the home?
3. How would you implement your practical plan for the church regarding question #2?

Joe & Jayne’s Case Study Con’t…

• Present But Not Accounted For

Also Read These Related Articles

1. Too Much Church, Daddy. Too Much Church
2. Too Many Bible Studies, Pastor. Too Many Bible Studies, 1.0
3. Too Many Bible Studies: Here’s What We Do, 2.0
4. The Best Bible Study Ever, 3.0
5. The Missing Element in Bible Studies, 4.0

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George came in for counseling because his wife caught him looking at porn on the Internet. Initially George denied that he was looking at porn, though the history record on his computer revealed hundreds of porn links. George and Shari live alone and no one but George accesses his desktop computer.

After a conversation with their pastor, George admitted he had been looking at porn, but quickly inserted that he had only looked a few times in the past six months and that he could control it most of the time. He said he just slipped up due to pressures at work.

What George did not know is that Shari found out a couple of years ago about his addiction and had put accountability software on the two computers in the home. The pastor asked George and Shari to see you for on-going care and accountability through counseling.

During the counseling, George shared with you the same story he told his pastor. At that point, Shari pulled out a stack of history reports that showed a sordid Internet history over the past two years. George looked dumbfounded.

Application Questions

1. What would be your concerns about George and how would you work through them?
2. What potential concerns would you have for Shari and how would you counsel her?
3. Name three possible heart issues that could be going on with George. Why did you name these?

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Shari is a bitter and insecure lady. Her life has gone from one broken relationship to another. Five years ago she met Kennon and had a world-wind dating relationship. They were impure in their relationship, but rationalized what they were doing by hastily marrying. Though friends had reservations about Kennon and Shari getting married, no one spoke into their lives because the couple kept themselves at arm’s length from helpful, caring relationships.

Their marriage was doomed from the beginning. Shari’s criticalness and insecurity fed into Kennon’s own cravings for respect and affirmation. After four years of marriage, Kennon began a flirtatious relationship with a woman at work. Within six months Kennon was involved in full-blown adultery.

Kennon’s sins are numerous and he is fully responsible for how he has chosen to sin against God and his wife. Through counseling he has admitted his numerous sins and has repented. Currently he is seeking to walk out his repentance by addressing his own sin issues that predate his relationship with Shari, as well as the numerous sins he has committed in their marriage.

His humility and repentance have been inspiring to others.

Shari, on the other hand, is not repentant at all. She is angry, accusative, and divisive. The anger toward and the hurt from Kennon blinds her to how she has been an “accomplice” in his sin. The spear she has been sharpening for years is now stabbing her in the heart.

Shari has a nagging, critical, and condemning tongue. Her own craving for approval and acceptance chokes the life out of her relationships. No one, not even Kennon, can endure a relationship with her. Unfortunately, she cannot see how her attitude has helped push her husband out the door and into the arms of another woman. Eventually, she pushes everyone away from her.

No one familiar with this story condones what Kennon has done, but it is quite obvious to all that it took two to destroy the marriage. Unfortunately the pain that Shari now feels was, in part, self-afflicted.

This is one of the hardest counseling situations to counsel: a person who has been hurt by another’s legitimate sinfulness, but yet has contributed in real, sinful ways to her current chaos. The pain which she feels blinds her to her own role in destroying the marriage.

Application Questions:

1. How would you counsel Shari?
2. How would you counsel Kennon?
3. Ask a trusted friend how you are perceived: are you generally considered an encourager or not? Ask your spouse, children, parents, and friends to “grade your tongue.”

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