The following is a conversation with a friend who has been struggling with his relationship with his girlfriend…
Bill: Hello Rick, how are you?
Rick: Great. How can I serve you, my friend?
Bill: Belinda and I are struggling in our relationship. We’re not having sex, but just generally do not get along consistently. We bought the book, “His Needs, Her Needs” it was recommended, but it hasn’t helped. It seems to keep us focused on what we want and we’re both already quite selfish. She says I’m too controlling and impatient with her. You know me, what do you think? And if she were half true, which is possible, what do you think my problem is?
Rick: If there are controlling issues, then I would expect there would also be impatient issues as well. And, typically, there would be a host of other sin patterns like anger, fear, self-righteousness, arrogance and stubbornness. I’m not calling you all these things, my friend, but typically these sins go with someone who is controlling. A controller has to be in control and when he feels like he is out of control then he will do things to “jerk” things back into his universe of control. That’s how it works.
Are you a controller?
Bill: She would be right. I am.
Rick: Then would you agree that you also struggle with the other sins?
Bill: Yes.
Rick: Quite humble, friend. Thank you for owning your sin. You’re halfway home once you own your sin. God gives grace to the humble, but will resist the proud. You’re being humble.
The primary sin issue with a controller is fear. Whenever a controller feels “out of control” then he is fearful. He is good as long as he is operating within his own universe. But sometimes God, in his kindness, pushes us out of our controlled environment and when that happens we can become fearful.
Read Matthew 14, the story of Peter walking on the water, for a good, real and live illustration of a person struggling with fear and using control to keep his fears in line. Of course, Peter repented and stepped out of his environment and onto the water. Faith is the opposite of fear and Peter exercised faith in the moment and he was good.
If all of this is true, then I’d say your problems are more theological than relational. The opposite of fear is trust and if you can’t trust (or won’t trust) then your problem is more with God than your girlfriend.
I have to ask the question, “Why won’t you trust God in the moment?” That is a significant question for you to wrestle with. Whenever a person is angry, impatient or controlling he is taking matters into his own hands and this is a godless response to God’s sovereign control of all things. For some reason you are not resting in him.
God says trust. You say no. That is an issue.
In such situations I would recommend revisiting the Gospel because the gospel says that God is good, kind, loving and most of all God has demonstrated through the execution of his son that there is no limit to what he won’t do to secure your salvation. He is a great God.
Fear is idolatry and it sounds as though there is some idolatry going on here.
Bill: Yeah, I do fear a lot. I have always been a fearful person. I’ve called it insecurity, but I can now see it as fear. I can remember back as a little kid when my parents split up. I think that was the beginning of it. I wonder if this is why I try to control my girlfriend? I wonder if I’m afraid I’ll lose her?
Rick: I’m sure that is part of it. It would be better for you to think about what you can pour into the relationship rather than what you can get out of it. Jesus was not preoccupied with us walking away, but how he could pursue us. The Gospel is love focused on others, not on ourselves. Whenever we turn our love back on ourselves (Read: selfishness) we can rest assured life is going to fly sideways. This kind of self-love can be manifested by impatience, stubbornness and anger, all of which you struggle with.
You need to repent, my friend. Also I’d recommend you read this article. I think it’ll serve you well in light of what you’re struggling with.
I love you, Bill. Let’s keep talking.
