Jayne is the “go to” gal in her church. Everybody likes her and when someone is struggling and in need of a friend, Jayne is the one who gets the call. Seemingly, her children are “part of the furniture” at the church building because they spent a good portion of their lives at the building.

All is well in the world of Jayne. …as long as you don’t look backstage, behind the curtain. There you will find the darker side of Jayne. Should you look behind the curtain, here is some of what you would see.

The Invisible Man

Jayne’s husband is passive and preoccupied. Joe does not lead his family. He and Jayne have been coexisting in their home for nearly 19 years. Joe gave up on the marriage a long time ago. He did make a few feeble attempts to lead his wife when they were first married. But he didn’t know how to lead her and his weak and unwise attempts led to argumentation. In time, Joe checked out of the marriage, though he stayed in the home. His primary role has been to provide for the family, which he does very well. Joe is a good, but lazy man.

Rebels with a Cause

Zachary & Elizabeth have become more than a handful for their parents. During the early years it was easy for Jayne to “handle” them as she performed her myriad of duties for the church. She could easily shuffle them into the children’s ministry while she taught her women’s bible studies, counseled, led kid’s events, or fulfilled whatever leadership type roles they offered her. Now that Zach and Liz are teens, they are not as impressed with mom’s “love for God” or her “devotion” to the church. Their simmering disdain for both has reached the boiling point. Early on it was unobserved rolling of the eyes when much was made of Jayne’s passion for God. Now it’s full-blown anger.

To Tell the Truth

You can imagine the shock of some of Jayne’s friends the other day when they saw her yelling at Joe in the hallway of the church building. No one had ever seen the darker side of Jayne. It was understood that Joe was a silent partner when it came to church and church functions. But that was Joe and no one seemed to mind. Besides, it is not polite to pry into other people’s business. And why would you? They must be doing something right, look at Jayne. Her love for God was well known

As for the kids: they were the cutest two little munchkins you’d ever want to meet. Their clothes were perfect. They excelled in Bible drills. The church seemed to be their life. What the “non-prying” adults did not know was that the dad had checked out and the kids were modeling the hypocrisy of their mom. But for the kids, it was only for a season. Zach & Liz were marking the days until they could get out of their private, dysfunctional family.

Just before Elizabeth’s seventeenth birthday Joe and Jayne found out that their daughter was pregnant. They didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. Initially Jayne tried to keep it under wraps. Later she attempted to talk Liz into a quiet abortion. She threatened Joe if he told anyone about the plans, but they could not keep it under wraps any longer. Jayne’s worst fear had come upon her. She was about to be found out for who she really was.

Application Questions

1. How would you counsel this family?
2. How would you re-envision the church about biblical priorities for the home?
3. How would you implement your practical plan for the church regarding question #2?

Also Read These Related Articles

1. Too Much Church, Daddy. Too Much Church
2. Too Many Bible Studies, Pastor. Too Many Bible Studies, 1.0
3. Too Many Bible Studies: Here’s What We Do, 2.0
4. The Best Bible Study Ever, 3.0
5. The Missing Element in Bible Studies, 4.0

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George came in for counseling because his wife caught him looking at porn on the Internet. Initially George denied that he was looking at porn, though the history record on his computer revealed hundreds of porn links. George and Shari live alone and no one but George accesses his desktop computer.

After a conversation with their pastor, George admitted he had been looking at porn, but quickly inserted that he had only looked a few times in the past six months and that he could control it most of the time. He said he just slipped up due to pressures at work.

What George did not know is that Shari found out a couple of years ago about his addiction and had put accountability software on the two computers in the home. The pastor asked George and Shari to see you for on-going care and accountability through counseling.

During the counseling, George shared with you the same story he told his pastor. At that point, Shari pulled out a stack of history reports that showed a sordid Internet history over the past two years. George looked dumbfounded.

Application Questions

1. What would be your concerns about George and how would you work through them?
2. What potential concerns would you have for Shari and how would you counsel her?
3. Name three possible heart issues that could be going on with George. Why did you name these?

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Shari is a bitter and insecure lady. Her life has gone from one broken relationship to another. Five years ago she met Kennon and had a world-wind dating relationship. They were impure in their relationship, but rationalized what they were doing by hastily marrying. Though friends had reservations about Kennon and Shari getting married, no one spoke into their lives because the couple kept themselves at arm’s length from helpful, caring relationships.

Their marriage was doomed from the beginning. Shari’s criticalness and insecurity fed into Kennon’s own cravings for respect and affirmation. After four years of marriage, Kennon began a flirtatious relationship with a woman at work. Within six months Kennon was involved in full-blown adultery.

Kennon’s sins are numerous and he is fully responsible for how he has chosen to sin against God and his wife. Through counseling he has admitted his numerous sins and has repented. Currently he is seeking to walk out his repentance by addressing his own sin issues that predate his relationship with Shari, as well as the numerous sins he has committed in their marriage.

His humility and repentance have been inspiring to others.

Shari, on the other hand, is not repentant at all. She is angry, accusative, and divisive. The anger toward and the hurt from Kennon blinds her to how she has been an “accomplice” in his sin. The spear she has been sharpening for years is now stabbing her in the heart.

Shari has a nagging, critical, and condemning tongue. Her own craving for approval and acceptance chokes the life out of her relationships. No one, not even Kennon, can endure a relationship with her. Unfortunately, she cannot see how her attitude has helped push her husband out the door and into the arms of another woman. Eventually, she pushes everyone away from her.

No one familiar with this story condones what Kennon has done, but it is quite obvious to all that it took two to destroy the marriage. Unfortunately the pain that Shari now feels was, in part, self-afflicted.

This is one of the hardest counseling situations to counsel: a person who has been hurt by another’s legitimate sinfulness, but yet has contributed in real, sinful ways to her current chaos. The pain which she feels blinds her to her own role in destroying the marriage.

Application Questions:

1. How would you counsel Shari?
2. How would you counsel Kennon?
3. Ask a trusted friend how you are perceived: are you generally considered an encourager or not? Ask your spouse, children, parents, and friends to “grade your tongue.”

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Cheri is a perfectionist. Though her position is illogical and she is unable to maintain the high standard that she holds everyone else to, she is relentless in her pursuit to present herself in a manner that she wants to be perceived.

One of the ways she feels better about herself is by criticizing others. She is also astute at blaming, justifying, and rationalizing her actions. In short, when she is wrong, she deflects or makes excuses about what just happened.

In social settings she is generally quiet because she has an anxious need to be right. When she does speak, it is usually about something she is an “expert” about and is confident she is right.

Because of her acute self-righteousness, which is motivated by fear, it is nearly impossible to bring adjustment to her life. She either deflects, excuses, blames, or takes the discussion off into hair-splitting digressions.

Application Questions

Her husband has come to you for help. What would you tell him? How would you begin to walk him through what he needs to do to help his wife?

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This is Johnny’s first Thanksgiving without his wife and kids. Jeannie left him this past spring: the culmination of a mediocre marriage that muddled along for 17 years. Johnny has three teenage sons, all of whom stay with their mom. For the most part, Johnny has repented of the sins he brought into and carried throughout the marriage.

He has been re-establishing himself in his local church and, for the most part, people have gotten used to his new lifestyle without Jeannie and the kids.

However, it has been very hard for Johnny to mesh with his old friends. He’s too old for the singles of the church and too single for the older couples of the church. He says he is in no man’s land.

He’s even been tempted to act as though he is worse off than he really is so folks will not forget his plight and continue to find ways to help him.

This week many of the church families are traveling to their extended families or they have made arrangements with family and friends locally. To date, no one has included Johnny in their plans. Jeannie and the boys are traveling to another state to be with her parents.

Johnny calls you for help and encouragement.

Application Questions

1. What would you tell Johnny?
2. How would you help him theologically?
3. What would be your practical advice for Johnny?
4. If you have had a similar experience to Johnny’s, what would you have liked to have happened to you or what did others do for you that helped you through your difficult time?

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I received a tremendous response on my two recent blog posts on “sins of the tongue.” Honestly, I was a bit surprised, but glad in a way that it struck a cord with so many people. I guess James was right: the tongue is a restless evil. (James 3:8)

In light of the high amount of traffic, I thought it would be good to give you guys a case study to work on regarding sins of the tongue. Here goes…

The Tale of Freddie the Flesh Cutter

Lonny’s best friend, Freddie, is a practical joker. It is one of his strengths that most people love. But, as in most cases, Freddie’s strength has become his greatest weakness. It seems you can never have a serious conversation with Freddie. He’s sarcastic and he mocks, as though it was a competitive event. His friends have found it paralyzing to be around him.

Freddie is a ministry leader, but his over-the-top style demands everyone’s attention be focused on him and his jesting wears thin on people. Rather than developing leaders, his team is more guarded and measured when around him. Someone said recently, “You never know when you’re going to get hit with a verbal jab.” Truthfully, his team is more out-going, expressive, and they generally accomplish more when Freddie is not around. The saddest commentary of all is that many of Freddie’s friends are mimicking his behaviors, which leaves little time for prayer, encouragement and other Christ-like behaviors.

Lonny has come to you for help regarding how to approach Freddie the “flesh cutter.” Lonny said, “I’m just a church member. Freddie is a leader. How am I to respond?”

Application Questions

1. What is your theology on the tongue?
2. How would you guide Lonny?
3. What are your guidelines and other thoughts regarding lightheartedness versus seriousness?

Articles in this series

1. Sarcasm, Mocking & Other Dangerous Sins – 1.0
2. Sins of the Tongue – 2.0

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Jean picked up the phone and started calling people at random. Somehow she had your number. She said she did not know why she was calling, but felt as though she should. She began to tell you her story. Jean was at the end of a very difficult and frustrating life. She had “tried God” and he didn’t work for her.

The plans for her death were mapped out. The notes were written and the loose ends were tied. There was nothing else to do, but take her life. But before she took that step, she thought she’d make one more phone call. She called you.

Jean is a divorced Christian and the mother of a teenager. She goes to a Southern Baptist church. She does not work due to her psychiatrist’s diagnosis and subsequent medications he has prescribed for her. She is middle-aged, lonely, fearful and tired.

Application Questions

1. What else would you like to know about Jean?
2. What kind of plan would you map out to help her? Be specific and practical.
3. Based on the information you currently have, how do you think Jean got to the point where she wants to take her life?

Articles in this series

1. A Case Study on Suicide
2. Suicide – 1.0
3. Suicide – 2.0
4. Suicide – 3.0
5. Suicide – 4.0 The End

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Sylvia’s mother says that her daughter has a hard time connecting with people at her local church. The mom has called you to ask your advice on how to counsel her daughter. Sylvia has been married 13 years and has been attending South Shore Community Church in Galveston, TX for 14 months with her husband and two kids.

South Shore is a Reformed Baptist Church with approximately 1700 members. They have two services on Sunday morning and several Bible studies and other programs throughout the week, including weekly small group meetings.

Sylvia’s mother says that Sylvia is shy by nature and generally has a hard time meeting others. She also believes South Shore is “just too big” for her daughter to attend. Though she likes all the ministries, she thinks a smaller church would suit Sylvia better.

Application Questions

1. What would you tell Sylvia’s mother?
2. If you were counseling Sylvia, what step-by-step process would you layout for her in order to help her think biblically about how to make this decision?
3. What are some of the things missing in this situation that hinders you from truly helping her?
4. Since the words “shy” and “connecting” are not helpful terms, what words would you use to help Mrs. Avery (Sylvia’s mom) think more biblically about the situation?

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You could fully sympathize with Mr. Wilson when his 45-year-old wife majestically swept into the study a step in front of her husband, and tried—not entirely without success—to sit in the counselor’s chair.

“Good morning,” she boomed. “We can’t imagine why you wanted to talk with us!” Mr. Wilson shook his head helplessly in disgust over her shoulder as you returned her greeting.

The Wilsons, who were members of a sound church across the state, had just moved into your town and joined your church three months ago. In the meanwhile, you had received a letter from their previous pastor indicating that he had been counseling them about their marriage. He suggested that you might pick up where he had been forced to leave off. His recommendation had led you to invite them to your study today.

Before ten minutes had passed (in which you explained your purpose and offered to continue the counseling) you had become painfully aware of at least one major problem: Mr. Wilson’s total failure to control his wife. She constantly took the initiative, occasionally answered questions addressed to him, and, in general, showed that she, rather than he, was in charge of the marriage.

The Wilsons did accept your offer and told the story of a steadily deteriorating marriage that had reached the point where Mr. Wilson was looking for excuses to stay away from home: “Of what use am I anyway?” he asked. “She runs the house, the children don’t recognize my authority, and my only value is that of breadwinner!”

Application Questions

1. Who (if either) will be your principal target for discussion, questions, etc., in this first session?
2. Sketch out an ideal program for the next four or five counseling sessions.
3. How will you gain and maintain control of the counseling sessions?

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Sally said during one of her counseling sessions that her dad was unstable and it typically worked out in angry, verbal outburst toward her and her three siblings. She’s nineteen now, but remembers in vivid detail balling up in a fetal position many nights as she listened from her bedroom the “fights” between her dad and mom.

Her mom worked full-time outside the home. For the most part, Sally reared herself during the day, while at night she lived in low-grade fear of her dad. During high school she dated many different boys and was promiscuous with most of them.

She just broke up with another boyfriend and is seeing you for counsel. From her perspective she is suffering from low self-esteem. She has read In Search of Significance and several other self help books, which is how she came to her conclusion. She became a believer two years ago, but has grown very little, due to lack of connection with her local church.

Application Questions:

1. Is her problem low self-esteem? Why did you answer the question the way you did?
2. What is the difference (if any) between low self-esteem and low self-worth?
3. What book(s) would you suggest she read? Why?

Related Articles

1. Loving Me: The Hidden Agenda of Self-Esteem, 1.0
2. To Lower Your Self-Esteem is Good, 2.0
3. Self-Esteem & the Tale of Ugly Betty, 3.0
4. The End of the Road for High Self-Esteem is Suicide, 4.0
5. Case Study: Sally’s Search for Self-Esteem, 5.0
6. Did J. B. & Paul Struggle with Self-Worth, 6.0

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