While every small group member wants to be proactive in building healthy small groups, it is equally important that the members are aware of what can kill a small group or keep one from ever becoming dynamic. In this article I cover four ingredients that can kill any small group. All the thoughts from my articles on small group life come from the book Why Small Groups?
Self Sufficiency
Two common traits of the self-sufficient person are a lack of prayer and a lack of intimate human relationship. The former says, “I do not need God, therefore I do not pray consistently.” The latter says, “I do not need people, therefore I do not allow others into my secret world.”
Both of these individualistic attitudes will isolate a person from God and man and will be death to any small group. You cannot “do life together” if you do not press yourself into the life of God and others. This is part of how the two greatest commandments work out in our lives. Jesus said we should love God and our neighbor as the two greatest commandments. (See Matthew 22:36-40) One of the ways we do this is by humbling ourselves so we can develop meaningful relationships with God and man.
Formality
Cultural expectations and practices can be death to a small group. While politeness can be appropriate, it can also be deadly. I’ve heard people say, “You don’t talk about your private lives with other people.” There is no biblical warrant to support that. The point of small group life is to go beyond the superficialities of our lives in order to get deeply involved with each other.
Furthermore, biblical fellowship is a spiritual activity. It requires the Spirit. John 3:8 gives us a hint as to the work and ways of the Spirit of God:
The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit. – Jn. 3:8 (ESV)
Though you plan and have an agenda for your small group meetings, a wise leader will be listening, observing, and responding to the Spirit of God. Counseling is the same way: you have a plan, but you are subject to God, who may want to take the meeting or counseling session in a different direction. At times rigid expectations and formality must acquiesce to the work that God wants to accomplish in your group.
Bitterness
The following is a list of some of the more common bitter comments that can kill a small group:
- I studied for the meeting and we never talked about the book.
- They spent the whole time talking about Jim’s issues. I never got a chance to talk.
- Marge dominates the conversation. It doesn’t matter what the topic is, she always has something to say.
- Why can’t we start on time.
- I don’t like any of those songs.
- It doesn’t make sense that they let Bill lead this group.
- I think her husband is _________.
Elitism
The biblical term for elitism is self-righteousness. It is a “greater than” or “better than” attitude that chokes the life out of a small group. One of the more common ways elitism makes its way into small group life is through a lack of sharing. Typically a man who does not share the real issues of his life is overly concerned about how others will think about him. The non-sharer has a high view of himself and he does not want others to think less of him.
This, of course, is a mockery of the Gospel. The Gospel says we are the worst of the worst. We are broken and none of us are righteous at all. The non-righteous man will cry out for the transforming power of the Gospel. He couldn’t care less about what anyone thinks of him. His desire is to state the obvious regarding the reality of his soul so he can experience and enjoy the grace that God offers.
Questions and Reflective Thoughts
- Self-sufficiency – Do you believe that you need the members in your small group? How would you practically prove your answer?
- Formality – Are you sensitive to the work of the Spirit? Can you discern Him and are you comfortable going with Him, especially when He goes in a direction you did not anticipate?
- Bitterness – Are you more apt to complain about what is wrong with your group? Or are you more apt to pray for your group, while engaging them to help them change?
- Elitism – Is there anyone in your group you do not care for? What if God treated you that way? Will you ask God to change your heart toward that person and then go to them to build a relationship with them?
Essentials to Dynamic Small Group Life
- The Cure for Shallow Small Group Meetings – 1.0
- Taking Your Small Group Into Deep Waters – 2.0
- How to Do Small Group Life Together - 3.0
- How to Kill Your Small Group – 4.0
Core Elements to a Dynamic Small Group Experience
- Why Small Groups? Progressive Sanctification – 1.0
- Why Small Groups? Mutual Care – 2.0
- Why Small Groups? Fellowship – 3.0
- Why Small Groups? The Ministry of the Holy Spirit – 4.0
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