Twenty-nine points of compatibility is one of the touted positives of the worldwide dating service called eHarmony. Though I understand what they are trying to accomplish by getting young men and women together, there are several issues that their methodology raises.
Harmony or Disharmony
One of their strategies is to match people according to their strengths and weaknesses. They call this their 29-points of compatibility. It is a good idea in theory, but there is no biblical warrant for such a notion. The happiest couples that I have ever met are the ones who are different, but mature enough to celebrate their differences, while seeing their differences as an opportunity to glorify God.
Adam and Eve were different. They were very different. Adam was missing a rib and Eve was the rib he needed. Adam did not need to be replicated the same way in order to be complete. He needed something that was different from himself. He did not need another Adam. He needed Eve.
Eve did not need another Eve to complete her. She needed something that was different than she was and when these two different people came together, they made a perfect one flesh union.
Sin: The Great Negator
I have seen too many times in counseling where a woman really wants her husband to be like her. She wants a male/female friend. She mocks his maleness, as though being a woman is the embodiment of all things good and maleness is an inferior species that still needs to evolve.
The guy, on the other hand, is no different in his thinking. He wants a football watching, beer buddy that he can have sex with. Both are two selfish people who are more interested in getting their desires met in a way they like, rather than enjoying the differences of their God-ordained opposite sex.
Their mutual sinfulness negates the glory of the one flesh union that they should be enjoying. The man wants a guy buddy and the woman wants a feminized male.
If both mates could make a slight adjustment in their desires and expectations, they could wake up from their sleep, like Adam did, and realize that God made for each of them the perfect mate, although different. (See Genesis 2:18-25)
1/2 + 1/2 = 1
It was only when Lucia and I realized that we were different by God’s design that we understood the full purpose of the one flesh union. We are really different! People who know us know that we are really different. But we complement each other. We fill each other’s gaps.
Lucia has a plethora of gifts that I do not possess. And I have a few that she does not possess. When we come together, our differences make us a formidable team for the glory of God. We are not the same and I praise God for that. I don’t want another me and she does not need another her. I want something different than me. We are different for the glory of God, but it took us a few years to understand this, to repent of our inherent selfishness and to celebrate our differences.
Lucia has taught me to enjoy some of the finer things in life and she now pulls for the North Carolina Tar Heel Basketball Team, which, btw, I’m not sure why anyone would not pull for them.
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J. S. said, (1) Being very happily married, I’ve never looked into the “29 points of compatibility” thing. But I always assumed the concept of “opposite where it counts” and “similarity where it’s helpful” were parts of that process with this service. I doubt they’d have, for example, two “strong willed” people and count that as a useful match. I could be wrong though.
(2) Again, my idea here is anecdotal for the most part, but I think the notion of one spouse wanting a “friend” to talk to in the classic sense is FAR FAR a far more common desire for wives than husbands. I might be wrong…never solid survey data on this.
I’ve started to think “compatibility” is overrated, or maybe it’s defined from the wrong perspective: human rather than divine. Being a lot alike can amplify strengths, but it can just as well amplify weaknesses while leaving us blind to them. I suggest that compatibility in God’s eyes might have more to do with glorifying Him together than with “getting along”.
Sometimes it seems that the character or personality differences between my wife and me were specially chosen to reveal our weaknesses (sinfulness)–and thus to present opportunites for growth if we remember to apply the Gospel. Thus, the conflicts in our marriage don’t come from the differences, they come from failing to receive the differences as blessings from God which are intended to make us more Christlike.
I do have issues with eHarmony or other dating services–I fear that Christians who resort to them are manifesting a lack of faith to wait on God. I have to be careful not to judge my brothers and sisters who have used them; perhaps God in His patient kindness will work through them. I don’t think the computers can weigh the beneficial incompatibilties the way God can.