Jenny was sent to me for counseling by her parents. They couldn’t control her anymore and wanted me to counsel her into a right relationship with God. The parents admitted the lack of relationship modeling in their marriage, as well as a lack of parenting skills and wisdom regarding Jenny. They also expressed a hope that I could fix Jenny. Needless to say, I felt as though I was working from a disadvantage. My prayer for Jenny was for God to show her mercy by leading her to himself. If He could use me, in some small way in that process, it would be a great joy and privilege.
Jenny was bubbly and talkative. She was an open book while interacting with me. We hit it off. Within minutes we were talking about some of the more personal things in her life. It was evident she wanted someone to talk to; someone who would not condemn her, but who would listen and even offer opinions in a spirit of encouragement and hope.
She told me that she began dating when she was 8-years old and that she was now on her sixth boyfriend. I asked her why she had divorced five times. She gave me a quizzical look and then asked me what I was talking about.
I date until I’m not pleased with him anymore
I told her that she dates a guy until she gets tired of him. When he no longer meets her expectations, she dumps him. I continued to explain to her that older people do the same thing: when they get tired of someone they dump them. In the adult world we call this divorce.
I asked her what was going to keep her from doing this when she became an adult, since she has a consistent pattern of divorcing as a kid. She told me that she would find someone who would love her and not be selfish. Because our relationship was friendly, warm, non-combative and I knew she liked me, I laughed when she said that.
Then I reminded her that a marriage certificate is a non-deterrent to divorce. It could be meaningless to a selfish person and Jenny, like me, was selfish. She understood what I was saying and readily admitted that she was selfish, though she lives in the delusional world that she will find the perfect man.
It was apparent that Jenny needed counseling, but she was not the only one. Her parents needed counseling as well. They have been setting their daughter up for a lifetime of failed relationships. The point of dating is a mystery to me, unless you’re dating to get married. Dating for dating’s sake sets kids up for selfish patterns that are nearly impossible to break without God’s miraculous intervention.
My recommendation to Jenny was to get in the context of a strong, Gospel-motivated local church where she could be cared for by pastors who would love to lead her. She would also be able to grow in relationships, while observing relationships of older men and women who were further along in their relationship with the Savior.
Jenny really liked this idea. She had no working template of what a relationship should be like. For the past five years she had been figuring it out through trial and error as modeled by the dating culture.
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J. S. said, Ooh, that’s good. You & Laura Schlesinger (and I) share your point about the “point of dating.”
M. M. said, Amen and Amen!
P. H. said, This is not a black and white issue. Dating can help to realign a persons perception with reality. They can see that nobody is perfect. Waiting until you are “ready to get married” can help to reinforce the delusion that you are waiting for the “perfect person.” You end up with repressed adults who don’t know how to interact with the opposite sex.
A. B. said, Ouch.
Dating is a broad term, but waiting for the mate God meant you to have is not the same as waiting for the perfect man. People complicate matters. If God can lead clearly in every other area of your life, why not this one?
And I speak from experience. I waited, and I’ve never met a better man.
I tell young women friends to save their heart for their husband, as well as their body. So much less baggage. And having a husband that was your first love is a beautiful thing.
I watched my roommates date in college,and go through all of the breaking-up turmoil, and really couldn’t figure out why anyone would want to live that way.
A. S. said, Good point Paul. No approach to finding a mate is perfect. No approach can perfectly remove the realities of sin’s deception and unrealistic expectations. HOWEVER, your point SEEMS to operate on the premise that it is primarily the role of the child to discover who is a suitable mate. “Dating” generally is based on this approach. Courtship (broad word with many meanings to many people) operates on the premise that the child relies heavily on the wisdom of parents and a godly community. Proverbs makes it crustal clear that no adolescent should consider himself as having sufficient experience and wisdom to be the ultimate determiner of a decision so important.
P. H. said, So, Allen, are you saying that parents should have ultimate veto power over the child’s choice of whom to marry?
The parents have spent 13 years ruining their daughter and now they want the counselor to fix her.
This would appear to be a judgment if it isn’t what separates it from being a judgment?
God is the only perfect parent and His children disobeyed and set in motion the need for perfect Love to fill in the Gaps.
The issues presented seem to me to be the minor issues. Here presents a young lady desperately seeking love. (primary issue) I am discerning from the point of view which Jesus took with the woman at the well.
I am wondering in this discernment if I would rather respond from the flesh or seek Spiritual guidance in explaining how this Samaritan woman whom came to meet God while dipping into the well for water.I believe I would rather follow Jesus’s modeled example than be one of those who presented the rules without the Spirit of Love presiding.
C. W. said, interesting… I thought it was an article about divorced parents and how it affect the child. The older I get and the younger kids get (ha ha), the more I see the need to set your sights above. Pray for me as I counsel my 11 year old neighbor girl as she enters this stage of boys in middle school. My heart is so heavy for her purity.
S. C. said, Thumbs up for “courting”. My daughter is 14 and has NEVER dated and doesn’t want to, she believes in waiting for God’s Best. We are very proud of her !! You are right though, it starts with the parents.
G. Z. said, I don’t think that is Allan’s point entirely Paul, but I know in my own life my parents knew what I needed far better than I did. I was 26 out on my own and I still went to them for their blessing to marry and they said they could not bless that relationship. I ended up breaking off the engagement and am very greatful I did. I am not a parent, but I think as a general rule parents know what is good for their children and no matter what it seems like at the time they only have our best interest at heart.
P. H. said, Of course parents need to be involved and input wisdom in a child’s life, yet a person still needs to experience life for themselves. The idea of courtship applies an inordinate amount of control over the child’s life that carries over to adulthood and sets up an elevated potential for psychological and spiritual abuse. Everything could turn out great. Of course not every person who owned a Ford Pinto died a fiery death.
It’s just a bad idea that needs to be removed from our society in the same what that arranged marriages and polygamy were removed.
A. S. said, Paul, great question. I think if the relationship between a parent and child is such that “veto” even comes into play there is something desperately wrong. It is very much analogous to marriage. Should the husband have ultimate “veto power” over the wife? This is not a biblical category.
I do think each of us should have a healthy mistrust of our own perceptions. Each of us should have some mechanism(s) for guarding against our natural tendency to self-deception. Up until the time a child is married, from a biblical perspective (repeated countless times) the primary mechanism God has provided, ideally, is parents.
J. S. said, It’s not very complicated. (1) dating is not needed to “realign a persons perception with reality.” Interacting socially with siblings, friends and parents sets that well. Don’t need dating to see that “nobody’s perfect”…just family. LOL (2) the debate over parents having “ultimate veto power” over children’s marriage is missing the point. If we as parents haven’t shepherded our kids’ hearts such that they choose a Godly spouse, then the horse is out of the barn, my friend.
A. J. said, I tried to tell this to Maris while we were “dating”. “There is only Married and Unmarried in my book”. Didn’t work. Maybe we should go back to arranged marriages?
J. N. said, Thanks Rick, good thots.
M. W. said, I’m sorry, Jenny does seem a bit young to be dating. But isn’t dating the way to weed out the good flowers from the weeds. And I’m not talking about intimate dating, but what if the other seems wonderful but after awhile you see a dark side to them. Don’t you want to discover this before you marry? Just my humble opinion.
M. W. said, Sorry, I just wanted to say 13 is way too young to be dating. My wife and daughter went through a book called “Preparing your daughter for every young woman’s battle” and I went through “Preparing your son for every young man’s battle”. We don’t want our children going through the same battles we went through. God bless.
when I saw the article title, I was really curious to read it. I had someone here with me who´ve mentioned something unpleasant about it. In fact this person said what already was in the text without even reading it. He told me that this is speculation on RED LINES, and this is what people in the midia do. They exagerate in order to get people reading their articles. Maybe the tile should be something else such as stolen childhood or something… May the Lord bless you as you have blessed this child.