An Interview with an Impostor’s Wife
In a sentence or two, describe your husband for me?
In a sentence, my husband has been trying to find himself, which has led to his resigning to some sort of lesser life of quiet desperation. That is my poetic way of saying he is miserable and discontented about his place in life, which has led, among many things, to his neglecting of his spousal responsibilities.
Honestly, I don’t think he really loves me!
Where does that leave you?
This has left me in a surreal spiral searching for my own self through a myriad of surrogate husband relationships. That is a fancy way of saying, I’m not happy in my marriage or life and the things I tack-on as husband replacements are not working. I went to a bible study and learned what it meant to be a Christian, e.g., discipline, commitment, being nice, and Christian duty. So I gave them a try. Discipline was exhausting. Commitment became over-commitment. Being nice swallowed my joy. More duty led to less freedom. At the end of the day, I was weary with no hope. Now I’m trapped! Like a damsel in distress. I’m in my own prison: a high tower waiting for my prince, who is off pursuing his own love affair with himself.
How do you feel now?
I feel very unlovely and at least second or third place in my husband’s heart. I feel un-sought after, unloved with no hope for rescue. I’m lonely in my tower of hopelessness. It is not that my husband is not a fighter. He fights for many things. With great insight and determination, he scours the corporate landscape, devises a plan and valiantly wages war with the ever-present hope that victory is near. Please understand he is not lazy. He loves what he loves and pursues it with gusto.
So this problem of apathy is not across the board. He has the capacity to love. It’s just not me.
Does he have the ability or capacity to lead?
The problem does not rest in his ability, for my husband is quite able. The problem is his priority. I remember when we first began dating. With great creativity and resolve, my husband set his sights on me. I was the prize! Oh, how awesome it was. From my perspective, there was never a problem between us. When he would leave or when we were not near, he would often say poetically, “This is not a breach, but merely an expansion of our love until we are drawn together again.” (John Donne: A Valediction Forbidding Mourning)
How are things today?
Today? He left a long time ago, in his heart, and settled for false lovers that have not brought him the satisfaction he craves. You see, I was conquered some time ago and now I am nothing more than a dusty trophy amidst all the others, only to be dragged out and bragged on when his ego needs stroking.
What do you want?
I want my husband to know me. I want to know that I am worth fighting for and rescuing. My adventurer turned into milquetoast. He is not on an expeditionary rescue for me. He would deny this of course, but he is an imposter. His trajectory is set. He is bouncing from one orbit to the next in search of only God knows what. His life does not touch my soul and my life is lived in quiet resignation: a life of disconnectedness from my used-to-be adventurous husband.
Conclusion
The preceding is the sad testimony of many Christian women in our culture today. Many times they feel pushed into their own selfish pursuit of self-centered desires because of their husband’s passivity, selfish pursuits and lack of attentiveness in the marriage.
The wife feels justified in her selfishness because she considers herself, at some level, a victim to the all-too-real-negligence of her husband. The consequence of this seemingly changeless marriage is that she loses herself into her career, church ministry, children, or the affair.
In the chaos, she fails to see that no man or activity can meet the deepest longings of her soul. Only a yearning Savior can satisfy. Unfortunately, while in the chaos and emotion of it all, it is nearly impossible to see the yearning Savior.
She is too bitter, angry, hurt and unforgiving. And at some level, she thinks she is justified.
The husband is sinfully wrong in neglecting his wife. However, the wife needs to guard her heart so she does not fall into the embrace of some pseudo husband replacement.
I realize when I say, “Only God can satisfy” that it is not enough for these women. They have been living in the disappointment of a floundering marriage far too long. Their disappointment is deep.
But the truth really is, “Only God can satisfy.” This is the only right answer. May the God of all grace turn our longing hearts toward Him. If this confession resonates within your heart and you desire some help in rebuilding your marriage, please contact us at the Contact link at the top of our website. Let’s Talk!
Application Questions
- How would you counsel the impostor’s wife?
- This conversation happened outside the husband’s awareness. How are you planning to involve him in the counseling process?
- The husband does not repent. How will you counsel the wife from this point forward?
- At what level are you planning to involve the local church?
Read the Husband’s Perspective
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1. The first concern is whether or not she is a believer. Her relationship with Christ is questionable because of her statement, “I went to a bible study and learned what it meant to be a Christian, e.g. discipline, commitment, being nice, and Christian duty. So I gave them a try.” There appears to be no heart change and a view of salvation that is based on works.
Once it is confirmed that she is a believer then the next step is to help her develop a daily consistent time in the Word and prayer. The focus of these studies being the nature of God and his ability to meet every need of the heart, soul and life. We would encourage her to get involved in a study where she can develop relationships with mature women and of course attend worship services regularly.
How to involve the husband?
2. We would encourage the wife to share with her husband the things she is learning. We would also encourage her to invite him to come to the sessions. Above all we would help her to learn to pray specifically for her husband because only God can change a heart.
If the husband does not repent:
3. We would instruct the wife on how to live and please God and to persevere through the trial. Also we would teach her how to love her husband unconditionally and give her some practical suggestions.
4. Once the Counselee is growing in her faith and active in church she can decide when it would be best to get someone to talk with her husband. Perhaps as she develops friendships there will be a husband of one of the women she regularly interacts with who will get involved in his life.