Bill and Mary are at the end of their rope. Robby has been in full-tilt rebellion for five years now. They have tried everything. They’ve seen four counselors thus far. They have gotten back into church. They’ve talked with their friends and have checked out a teen camp for boys.
They have also tried the threat, guilt, condemnation and shame approaches to get Robby to change. Nothing has worked.
Now they are talking with you. What will you say? How do you want to serve them?
One of the more challenging counseling situations is “third party change.” Person A comes to Person B asking help for Person C. The problem with this counseling scenario is that Robby is not asking for help.
Counseling works when the person who needs counseling wants counseling and is willing to do most anything to change. You cannot seek counseling for somebody else. This is no different than seeking out a dietician for your friend who is overweight.
Your friend is going to have to humble himself and seek help. You cannot change a person who is not looking to change, willing to change or does not believe they need to change.
In most cases “forced counseling” contexts are not successful.
When the Prodigal “came to his senses” (See Luke 15:17) he was ready and willing to change. God granted repentance and the young man began to change.
It’s a timing thing
Theologically, change cannot happen until there is repentance. But when repentance does come, you can expect change.
If you can tell me when a person is going to repent, I can tell you when he will change, but until that time, your focus and hope must be in something else, rather than your unwilling, unchanging son.
Quick tips for stressful parents
- Worship God: Aggressively love and worship the Savior during this time of trial. Only God can bring comfort when your children are walking in rebellion.
- Hope in God: Remember your story of redemption! God saved you. He can save your son too. The point of the Gospel is to seek and to save those who are lost. Let your own response to the Gospel bring encouragement to your soul.
- Rest in God: Guard your heart from the temptation of “becoming the Holy Spirit.” You cannot force anyone to live righteously. Repentance is a gift from God that he grants to whom he wants, when he wants.
- Trust God: Your goal is not to keep your child from pain and suffering as much as it is to get him to God. Sometimes, in God’s wisdom, he allows some to endure specific pain and suffering as they make their way to him.
- Imitate God: God is encouraging, not negative. It is the kindness of God that leads to repentance. (See Rom. 2:4) Your son should be more aware of your encouragement than you condemnation. This does not mean you never bring a corrective to your child, but your primary speech patterns should be encouragement.
- Repent to God: Your son may not be willing to change, but you can. Allow your friends to speak truth to you. Receive their “truth in love” and ask how you can practically and specifically change.
- Pray to God: Never stop seeking God for help during this time. Ask and you shall receive, but be prepared that what you receive might not be what you desired. Be open to God’s work in your life during this season.
Read this story about a rebellious teen that God saved many years after his teenage years.
Other articles in this series
- Troubled Teens: Truth & Myth, 1.0
- Troubled Teens & Dads Who Lead Poorly, 2.0
- Troubled Teens & The False Continuum, 3.0
- Ricky & Lucy: the tale of two rebellious teens, 4.0
- Rebel Teens: Telling Mom the Truth, 5.0
- Rebel Teens Rebel Because They Are Rebels, 6.0
- Rebel Teens: Caution to the Counselor, 7.0
- Rebel Teens & The New Fix It Guy, 8.0
- Is There Hope for My Rebel Teen? 9.0
- Kid Help is Here, 10.0
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