Mailbag: Rick, I’m frustrated! I am always approaching my husband with my sin, asking for his forgiveness, but he seems to never see his need to ask me for forgiveness. And many times he won’t even bother to forgive me. What am I to do?
In moments like this “blog counseling” is tough plowing. It is always much better to meet face to face to discuss such important topics. Now that you have my apology here are a few thoughts for you to consider.
Romans 12:18 – If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. This is Paul’s fifty percent verse: you can only go halfway when two people are involved. All relational issues require the two people to make a proportional move. This verse asks one person to move as “far as it depends on you.” That’s all you can do. You do all you can do and pray to God that your husband will fulfill his responsibility before God.
Remember the Gospel: From your perspective and in your opinion who do you think the biggest sinner is in your marriage? And the answer is: You! I am not sure what all your husband has done. However, you profess to be a Christian, therefore you were guilty of killing Christ. Your primary sin that you have been forgiven will always be worse than what anyone has done to you. I think this gives us insight as to why Paul would say he was the “foremost” sinner. From his perspective, he was the worst sinner. No matter what is done to you, you are the biggest sinner in the marriage. If you believe this truth about the Gospel then this truth will govern your heart rightly: Read my post called the blessing of being the biggest sinner in the room.
Remember the Gospel: You were “treasuring wrath in your heart against the day of wrath.” (See Romans 2:5) Let me ask you this, “how long was it before God regenerated you?” From the day you were born, to the day God saved you, how long was it? How many years? As the Gospel informs you of God’s patience and longsuffering while you were not listening, let me ask you to model this same favor to your husband.
Remember the Gospel: Read Matthew 18:23-35
Remember the Gospel: Read the rhetorical question Paul asks in Romans 2:4. It’s God’s kindness that leads to repentance. God gave you what you did not deserve. He gave you heaven. Me too! I deserved hell. My biggest problem in life has been resolved at the Cross of Christ. Your biggest problem in life has been resolved. Now, go and do likewise. Extend grace. Model the Gospel!
Remember the Gospel: Repentance is a gift from God. (Read 2 Timothy 2:24-26) He grants it when he wants, where he wants and to whom he wants. Praise God he granted that gift to you! Now remember the Gospel and his kindness to you in that God granted you the gift of repentance. Now pray, love, extend grace and hope God will grant the gift of repentance to your husband.
I realize email is short and misses a lot of nuance. There is very little give and take and I’m not there to hear the whole story. I’m sure your husband has a perspective as well. I apologize to you again. And I wish I could turn the heart of your husband. (See Proverbs 21:1) I can’t. But I do know this: when I’m struggling in relational difficulty I must preach the Gospel to myself, trust God and model the Gospel to those who seem to never change. And maybe some day God will do for them what he has done for me.
Read These Related Articles
- My Husband Never Asks For Forgiveness. How Am I To Respond?
- The Power of UN-Forgiveness
- Inherent Liabilities in Counseling: When There is No Repentance
- I Got More Hating to Do
- My Brother Was Murdered 12-Years Ago
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Shouldn’t you point it out? That’s one of the watys we serve and the flip side is why we all have so many troubles I think because IF we ever confront (It is difficult and Jesus said we have to have the log out of our own eye to be able to easily see how to remove the speck in our brothers) we don’t do it properly or with the right attitude. Right? Similarly, rebuke and if they repent you’ve won a brother?
I think the point Steve is that firstly we’re unable to ‘do it properly’ until we have made significant progress in what Rick describes and secondly once we have made such progress we’ll find ourselves on the receiving end less and/or be bothered by it less. The problem is that until we see ourselves as worse than the other and until we are overwhelmed by God’s patience and grace to us, we will be unaware of how are efforts and desires for the other person to repent are in fact selfishly motivated.