The following is the accumulative result of a series of counseling sessions with some parents who have a rebellious teen.

Their original reason for counseling was because their child was living in open rebellion. The teen is doing drugs and hanging with bad company, among other things. The parents came to me for counseling and, per usual, I asked the obvious question, “Why did you come to see me?”

What follows, after several sessions, is an “unpacking process” as I was attempting to get to the heart of the problem. I know, as all counselors do, the reason for counseling was not the real reason they were in counseling. A client never gives you the real reason, which is why they are in counseling in the first place. Clients can’t seem to get to the root of the problem. They are not lying by any stretch. They just do not know the real issue.

Therefore, over a period of counseling sessions I probed down to the root of the problem. The “mile marker” descriptors below are in summary form. Please know that you should not try to go this deep in your first session because of lack of relationship, trust in the counselor and lack of biblical hope offered. This probing process should take several sessions.

Mile Marker One: Why did you come to counseling? Family Dysfunction: my kid is in rebellion!

Mile Marker Two: How are you getting along as husband and wife? (The reason for this question is because most kids don’t typically turn bad without some help from the parents.) How do you guys interact with one another? We generally dishonor one another, do not respect one another, there are some anger issues and patterns of sarcasm.

Mile Marker Three: Why are you dishonoring one another? We have unresolved conflict from the past and the present.

Mile Marker Four: Why is there on-going unresolved conflict? Communication issues: we don’t talk right. We talk, but we don’t talk at a level of depth and problem solving.

Mile Marker Five: Why are you not talking at the right depth? There is on-going stubbornness, anger and frustration with one another.

Mile Marker Six: What is the problem? Basically we are holding our positions of “I’m Right, You’re Wrong.” We are not humble. At the end of the day I am right and my spouse is wrong. I don’t need to change as much as my spouse does.

Mile Marker Seven: Counselor’s Bottom Line Response!

Self-Righteousness

The Gospel realigns our hearts as we redirect our thoughts more to God rather than each other. And when we see ourselves rightly before the Cross there is less and less reason to hold to our “perceived rights.” A right view of the Cross lessens our demands on others. “I’m the worst sinner I know, therefore, why do I give others such a hard time?”

Do not be surprised to learn from your counselee that there are deeper issues at hand than what they present to you as for their reason for counseling. In this case my clients have had on-going marriage problems that has had a devastating influence on their child. It is true that their teen is responsible for personal sin. But it is also true that there have been shaping influences to where you can draw a solid line from the kid’s behavior to the parent’s behavior.