I have been thinking the past several days about a recent comment made by a friend of mine. She has been married for nearly two decades, and she told me that her husband has confessed more sin in the past few months than during the previous twenty years of marriage.

There is more to them than what meets the eye

What is truly amazing about this is how virtually everyone around them has “checked the box” as far as accepting them as the “normal” or acceptable example of the Christian life. This couple has passed the “test” to the point to where they are models for the Christian community at large.

This husband and wife love the Savior and have sought to please him by their life. Yet there is a problem. The problem is not on the surface, where hypocrisy resides. To unearth this issue, we must drill down to the causal core. (See Luke 6:43-45.)

I am just like these people!

In my reflection, I do not see these hidden issues as being exclusive to this couple. This is my story as well. Again, neither of our families are actively seeking to live the life of a hypocrite; but in actuality, we’re wittingly and unwittingly playing a charade without realizing the awful ramifications of such a lifestyle.

I think the big issue in our lives is that no one is drilling down to this causal core and asking insightful, probing questions that matter at the level of the heart, our character. It sometimes seems to be an unspoken gentleman’s agreement not to be this intrusive. In the back of our minds we know something is amiss but we don’t say anything about it. If we do say something, it is simply dismissed and we go on.

I’m okay, you’re okay?

In short, we are marginalizing the essence of biblical friendship. This unspoken gentleman’s agreement allows us to live within the acceptable norms of hypocrisy, enjoying one another’s company, and approving the “I’ll check your box if you check my box” approach to living. None of this is verbalized; it is the “unsaid” that contributes to this kind of sub-Christian existence.

I was sharing these thoughts with a counselee recently about how my hypocrisy has worked out in my own life. The following story demonstrates the early childhood roots of my hypocrisy: I was motivated to enter the workforce as a 12-year old because of a survival mentality that existed in our home. We were on food stamps, welfare and lived just above the poverty line for a period of time.

In addition, my dad was abusive verbally as well as an alcoholic, which absorbed a good part of our family’s income. These “environmental” and sin issues, along with my own personal sin, created a craving for attention, approval, and affirmation from someone, from anyone.

My Unguarded Strength Became a Double Weakness

Unwittingly, as I entered the workforce to survive, I worked hard and was rewarded with attention, approval and affirmation. This unguarded craving was being satisfied. Again, unwittingly, I worked all the harder and in process received more and more praise. It was a closed, endless-loop: I worked, they praised; they praised and I worked. I was getting my desires met and all I had to do was perform.

To them it was a wonderful work ethic. To me it was idolatry.

To make matters worse, when I became a Christian I went into the church and made a new discovery. I not only had an intense work ethic, but also an ability to understand and communicate spiritual truth. So my unguarded strength, because it was unguarded, became my double weakness.

In short, I unwittingly discovered another means to receive the applause of people. My approval drive was being tickled and it felt good. For a person in shoes like mine, the natural rationale was to seek vocational ministry. Therefore, carried on by a wave of fan support and a desire to be accepted and appreciated, I entered the ministry.

In retrospect, without a clear understanding and application of the Gospel, I see these cravings as insatiable. They could not be satisfied, and I became a slave to them. This kind of bondage spoils all that is in its path. Regrettably, the first people to be hurt were my immediate family.

They only saw the carefully edited version of me

From the bleachers everyone was checking the boxes in my life. I was married; I had 2.5 children; I was gainfully employed and a Christian heading into ministry—check, check, check and check. No one was examining my character, the motives of my heart, my cravings, conflicts, or the unedited me.

Everyone saw the edited version and it appeared to be okay. The reason the edited version was okay was because it was carefully edited. However, the real issues of life flow from the heart, the causal core of who I really am, that part of me that cannot be easily detected. (Proverbs 4:23.)

Praise God that I now live in a context where the unedited me is being discovered. The gap between the real me and the edited me is closing. I am experiencing biblical friendship, which goes deeper than my edited version. The people who are in my world are reaping the blessing. The box is not being checked too quickly.

Don’t grade on a curve. The Savior is our template

Good questions are being asked. Behavior is being examined for motive. I’m not graded on a curve anymore. Someone cares what is happening at the causal core and they have the insight, compassion, wisdom, grace, courage, and love to go deeper. The obvious is not good enough anymore. It’s the secret places that need to be drawn out. Praise God for this kindness!

It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. - Frederick Buechner from Telling Secrets, P. 3.

Read More articles in this series here:

1. Confession of an Impostor, Part One, Two & Three
2. An Unguarded Strength is a Double Weakness

Checkout some of our training videos on our YouTube Channel

Free Counseling Advice via Twitter

Free Counseling Advice via Weekly eBlast

Checkout Counseling Solution’s Membership Training Site